Art and literature

A critic is a legless man who teaches running.

A man is on an operating table having his legs sawn off at the knee by a surgeon. “Of course,” says the surgeon to the man, “this doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be able to paint like Toulouse Lautrec.”

Artist, to critic, “So what’s your opinion of my painting?” Critic, ”It’s worthless.” Artist, “I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.”

Dick is introduced to an author at a party. “My last book was terribly difficult,” the author says. “It took me over six years to complete.” “I can sympathise,” replies Dick. “I’m a slow reader myself.”

Of course Vincent Van Gogh was notoriously vague. Whatever you said to him just went in one ear – and straight out the same ear.

A man walks into a book shop and says, “Can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, sir,” says the salesman. “Which one?” The man replies, “William.”

A writer sends his manuscript to a publisher with a note saying, “None of the characters in this story bear any resemblance to any person living or dead.” The publisher sends back the book with a note saying, “That’s what’s wrong with it.”

Harry took up writing as a profession and loads of stuff – his TV, his stereo, his furniture, his car…

Art and literature: batty books

A Young Man’s Guide to Dating – by Caeser Titly (Seize’er titty)

Bank Robbery – by Xavier Muny (Have(h)’er money)

Beach Refreshments – by Conan Wafer (Cone on wafer)

Carpet Laying – by Walter Wall (Wall-to-wall)

Challenging Uncertainty – by R U Shaw (Are you sure?)

Costume Jewellery – by Fay Kerings (Fake earrings (or key-rings))

Dating Period Furniture – by Anne Teak (Antique)

Dealing with Alcoholism – by Carrie M Holme (Carry me home)

Drop Your Knickers – by Lucy Lastic (Loose elastic)

Eating Cheap – by Roland Marge (Roll and marge (margarine))

Entertaining with Friends – by Maude de Merryer (More the merrier)

Fun at the Fairground – by Felix Ited (Feel excited)

Growing Vegetables – by Tom R Tow (Tomato)

How to Make an lgloo – by S K Mow (Eskimo)

I Was a Failed Lion Tamer – by Claude Bottom (Clawed bottom)

Improve Your Memory – by Ivor Gott (I forgot)

Keeping Caged Birds – by Ken Airey (Canary)

Know Your Letters – by Alf A Bet (Alphabet)

Living With Large Families – by Bertha Twins (Birth o(f) twins)

My Favourite Sandwich – by Hammond Tonge (Ham and tongue)

My Political Memoirs – by Lisa Lott (Lies a lot)

Reading Problems – by Liz Dexia (dyslexia)

Sailing for Beginners – by Abal C Man (able seaman)

She Stoops to conquer – by Eileen Dover (I leaned over)

Simple Tattoos – by Marcuse Alover (Marks all over)

The Big Book of Welsh Jokes – by Dai Laffin (Die laughing)

The Expectant Bride – by Marius Ina Hurrie (Marry us in a hurry)

The Library Thieves – by M T Shelves (Empty shelves)

The Runaway Bull – by Gay Topen (Gate open)

The Stripper – by Titus Can bee (Tight ass can be)

The World of Hairdressing – by Aaron Floor (Hair on floor)