I lost my job, my wife and my Mercedes.

I sure miss that Mercedes.

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

HISTORIC SITE UNDER

CONSTRUCTION

We should hang all the extremists!

OSCAR WAS BORN TO BE WILDE.

EXAMPLES RULE, E.G.

Don't complain about the beer in this bar.

You'll be old and weak yourself some day.

A socialist is someone who has nothing and wants

to share it with everyone else.

Am I ignorant or apathetic?

I don't know and I don't care.

Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

I like to reminisce about the things I haven't done.

Obesity in the U.S. is really widespread.

ARISTOCRATS ARE BUMS

WITH MONEY.

Fucque Ewe

If you like games of chance, try marriage.

I can't stand intolerance.

Bring back the future now.

I’m not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

All generalizations are dangerous – even this one.

The gene pool use a little chlorine.

Join Alcoholics Alias instead of AA and continue

drinking without anyone knowing.

I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous.

If you catch yourself arguing with an idiot,

he's doing the same thing.

CUPIDITY+STUPIDITY = MARRIAGE

(added) Marriage is good for hookers. It provides

them with 90% of their business.

All the world's a stage full of bad actors.

Dancing Is The Perpendicular Expression

Of A Horizontal Desire.

Always be late! You will be in a better mood than

those you keep waiting!

SKINHEADS HAVE MORE HAIR

THAN BRAINS.

Arrange the following words into a

well-known phrase or saying:

OFF PISS

Badd Spelers Roule, Okay

Fishermen are Reel Men.

Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.

Love makes the world go around – along with

other stupid cliches.

The media should get the facts straight before they

distort them.

Old golfers never die. They just lose their balls.

Most librarians are novel lovers.

Not enough is being done for the apathetic.

(added) WHO CARES?

MIKE TYSON RULES, KO.

Help keep this country green; plant marijuana.

CRE8TYT RULES, OK.

Teenagers don't need your love. We need your $ $.

Веселые истории, шутки, заголовки, опечатки и слоганы.

A boy goes to the Jobcentre and says,

“I’d like to work in a bowling alley.”

“Ten pin? Says the man behind the desk.” (temping).

“No, permanent,” says the boy.

***

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

***

Johnny was in class when the teacher farted.

Embarrassed, she said, “Johnny, stop that!”

To which Johnny replied,

“Which way did it go, Miss?”

***

What did the sign on the brothel door say?

We’re closed. Beat it!

***

What’s the difference between a mechanic

and a herd elephants?

The mechanic charges more.

***

Why is Tottenham Hotspur a bit like Kim Wilde?

Glamorous in the Eighties, but not so nice to

watch now.

***

How did Tarzan end up dying?

Picking cherries.

***

Why do gorillas have red balls?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

***

What’s round and snarling?

A vicious circle.

***

Why don’t men fake orgasms?

Because no man would pull those faces on purpose.

***

How do you get 500 cows in a barn?

Put up a sign saying “Bingo”.

***

Why did Frosty the Snowman get excited?

He heard the snowblower coming.

***

What’s the difference between worry and panic?

About 28 days.

***

What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Nachocheese (not your cheese).

***

How are politicians like nappies?

You have to change them frequently, and for the same reason.

***

What do the lnland Revenue, an ostrich and a pelican all have in common?

They can all stick their bills up their arses.

***

What’s the definition of a happy transvestite?

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

***

Hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He’s sticking it out for a while longer.

***

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condom?