- •Оглавление
- •От автора
- •Предисловие
- •Соль книги – Контексты
- •If they can put a man on the moon,
- •It is forbidden for a lady to eat chocolates on public transport (Stupid law of England).
- •It is unlawful to drag a dead horse down Yonge Street (Toronto) on a Sunday (Stupid law of Canada).
- •Illiterates don’t have to read this.
- •It is not legal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour
- •Irs agents never quit. They just don’t do anything too taxing anymore.
- •If sex is a pain in the ass you’re doing it wrong.
- •It is against the law to frown' at a police officer
- •It is a crime to delay or detain a homing pigeon
- •I have 75 balls and drive women crazy. I am best known as Bingo!
- •I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
- •It is a crime to wear a mask in public
- •It is a crime for an owner of a pig to call him swine or 'Napoleon' (Stupid law of France).
- •If a man is caught kissing a woman in public the death penalty may be enforced (Stupid law of Greece).
- •It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas (Stupid law of Arkansas us).
- •Vampires are a pain in the neck.
- •In one Dutch region it is a crime to breach the dykes of a river, even though the region has no rivers (Stupid law of Holland).
- •I am too jung to see a psychologist.
- •It's a crime to set up a mousetrap without a hunting license
- •If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you are obliged by law to allow them entry (Stupid law of Scotland).
- •If the opposite of pro is con, then what is the opposite of progress?
- •It is an offence to possess a hippopotamus
- •I looked in my wallet this morning and realized some Drunk spent all my money Last Night!
- •I bet you I could stop gambling.
- •I’ve been faithful to my girlfriend several times.
- •It is considered an offence to shower naked
- •I haven’t had sex for so long I think I’m a virgin again.
- •I avoid all relationships. A “relationship” is when you’re screwing your cousin.
- •I’ll never forget the night I got so drunk I couldn’t remember anything.
- •If a sheep is a ram, and a donkey is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?
- •It is against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp in Atlanta (Stupid law of Florida us).
- •Important discovery just in from the Psychology Department: The majority of accidents are caused accidentally.
- •It is against the law to speak English
- •It is considered an offence if a woman appears in public unless she is accompanied by a male relative or guardian.
- •It is illegal to whisper dirty things in lover's ear during sex (Stupid law of Oregon us).
- •I am an optimist. I think women are bad.
- •I wish I could drink like a man. I can take one or two. Three puts me under the table. And four puts me under the host.
- •Virginity is like a balloon – all it takes is one prick and it’s gone.
- •I was ruined twice. When I got married and when I got divorced.
- •It is illegal for a monkey to smoke cigarettes
- •It is illegal for over 16 women to occupy a house together because that constitutes a brothel ... However up to 120 men can live together without breaking the law.
- •It is illegal to utter profanities when talking about country music singer Loretta Lynn (Stupid law of Kentucky us).
- •In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes (Stupid law of Pennsylvania us).
- •Приложение I Неофициальные названия языков, штатов, городов, стран и жителей этих стран и городов
- •Приложение II numerals and how they function
- •In modern english
- •Thousand
- •In two minds about something
- •In two shakes of a lamb's tail
- •Приложение III
- •A visit to the language zoo.
- •Goose – гусь
- •Fish – рыба
- •It’s better to be a small fish in a big pond than to be a big fish in a small pond.
- •It’s time to fish or cut bait – (дословно: или ловить рыбу, или снять с крючка наживку), «сматывать удочки» в виду отсутствия клева или бесполезности предприятия, время принимать решение.
- •Bird – птица
- •Wolf – волк
- •Butterfly – бабочка
- •Lion – лев
- •Crow – ворона
- •Duck – утка
- •Vixen – лиса (самка)
- •Rat fink.
- •Vulture – гриф
- •Varmint – вредное животное
- •Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed eager beavers.
- •Приложение IV-бонус! Занимательные и широко употребительные выражения повседневного английского языка, граффити, каламбуры, заголовки, опечатки, рекламные ляпы и многие другие казусы
- •Продолжение весёлого бонуса! From the Mouths of Babes
- •Losing the Human Race
- •Science Friction
- •Stop the Music!
- •Pullet Surprising Literature¹
- •Poly-Tickle Speeches
- •A Guide to Sportspeak
- •Blessed Bloopers
- •Gavel to Gabble
- •Premedicated Humor
- •Laugh Insurance
- •Signs of Trouble
- •New and used antiques Come in We are closed
- •In case of enemy attack
- •Headline Headaches
- •Study: those without insurance die more often
- •Banner Boners
- •Partial jury chosen for tyson case
- •How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs Galley Oops!
- •Brand New Bloopers
- •Mrs. Malaprop Lives!
- •A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
- •Closed for official opening.
- •Under a Spell
- •Back to Grammar School
- •Those Dang(ling) Modifiers
- •Самые смешные граффити!
- •I like my job. It's the work I don't like.
- •It's the little things that count.
- •I lost my job, my wife and my Mercedes.
- •I sure miss that Mercedes.
- •Веселые истории, шутки, заголовки, опечатки и слоганы.
- •It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
- •It hangs around after the man leaves and gives the woman a hug.
- •It’s not a big deal unless you’re not getting any.
- •It has 14 gears. Thirteen go in reverse and one forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind.
- •Men vs women jokes
- •Vive la difference
- •I need some space
- •Art and literature
- •Art and literature: batty books
- •Art and literature: World’s shortest books
- •Chat-up Lines
- •Chat-up Lines: extra cheesy
- •Dyslexia
- •Education
- •Education: absentees
- •Education: college
- •Education: dumb exam answers
- •Шутливый медицинский словарь
- •А теперь лингвистический десерт !!! language and linguistics: Etymological conundra
- •Is there another word for synonym?
- •Тематический указатель политика. Государство и власть
- •Бизнес. Экономика и финансы
- •Наука и техника. Образование
- •Сми и пиар
- •Человек
- •Литература и искусство
- •Географические названия
- •Персоналии
- •Ключевые слова "трудных" контекстов
- •Вопрос 799, 832, 881
A Guide to Sportspeak
There's a long drive! Winfield is going back, back, back! He hits his head against the wall! It's rolling to second base!
Next up is Fernando Gonzales, who is not playing tonight.
The Padres took a three-game series from the Giants, three games to two.
He's already got two championship rings under his belt.
That long drive actually sailed into the second balcony and hit a fan on the fly.
Listen to that! Eighty thousand football fans, and not one of them is making a sound!
They really miss the absence of Louis Lipps.
I'm the football coach around here and don't you remember it.
The greatest thing just happened to me. I got indicted into the Florida Sports Hall of Fame. They gave me a standing observation.
You guys have to run a little more than full speed out there.
You guys line up alphabetically by height.
You guys pair off in groups of threes, then line up in a circle.
Blessed Bloopers
Support our church rummage sale: a good opportunity to get rid of anything not worth keeping but too good to throw away. Bring your husband.
Please bring nonperishable foods to the church tonight.
Take along your husband.
A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
The choir of the Church of the Enunciation will perform in the upcoming choir festival.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Beiser, the sin of Rev and Mrs; • Julius Beiser.
Women in Harmony makes its debut at the Immanuel Baptist Church in Portland next week. The chorus's repertoire is clearly woman-centered, but doesn't lack broad-based appeal.
Among the topics to be discussed by the church women's group will be abortion, family life, and youth in Asia.
A massage by the Rev. Mr. Stuart, of the Pilgrim Holiness Church, will follow the singing.
Fall Apple Pie Sale—Made from the ladies of the church.
The choir will sing "I Am But a Small Vice."
The hymen for today is ...
In a church parking Jot:
CHURCH PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS TO WED
AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE
Kerry Bengston is a 10-ear member of the church.
Please join us for our Christmas concert and sinalong.
Newburg Church tries to assist in serving a luncheon for the families of church members who have died immediately following the funeral.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Gavel to Gabble
Q: Just so I understand: it doesn't hurt when you have sex?
A: No, it doesn't hurt.
***
Q: Since that time – well, let me put it this way. Nowadays, do you ever have trouble getting an erection?
A: It's harder than before.
***
Q: What happened next? A: I woke up unconscious in the hospital.
***
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year,
***
Q: What gear were you in at the
moment of impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
***
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
***
Q: What did you see when the accused took down his pants?
A: Well, it looked like a penis, only smaller.
***
Q: Well, you're a pretty big man, aren't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: How big would you say?
A: Oh, about eight inches.
***
Q: Did the defendant have an erection?
The Defense: Objection. Calls for expert medical opinion.
The Court: I don't think so.
***
Q: Looking at People's Exhibit 5, a photograph, can you tell me who is in the picture?
A: That's me and Officer Geiger.
Q: Were you there when the picture was taken?
***
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498
and 500.
***
Attorney: (in the middle of a king cross-examination) Your Honor, one of the jurors is asleep.
The Court: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.
***
Attorney: And can you show us a copy of that oral agreement?
***
The Court: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to answer yes or no because my reporter does not have "uh-huh" and "huh-uh" buttons in her machine. And when you answer "uh-huh" and "huh-uh she won't have a way to write it. Plus, the jury needs to hear "yes" or "no," not "uh-huh's," and "huh-uh's," okay? Witness: Uh-huh.