It hangs around after the man leaves and gives the woman a hug.

***

What’s black and white and red all over?

A cow that’s just been murdered.

***

What do you call a bear without a paw?

A bastard.

***

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra.

***

What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go for the juggler. (jugular)

***

What’s the big deal about sex?

It’s not a big deal unless you’re not getting any.

***

Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

***

What does a redneck always say just before he dies?

“Hey! Watch this.”

***

How do you keep a kid from wetting the bed?

Give him an electric blanket.

***

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Control freak. Now this is where you say, Control freak who?”

***

What did Cinderella say when she left Boots?

“Some day my prints will come.”

***

What’s the difference between dogs and foxes?

About four pints.

***

What do you get when you mix a laxative with holy water?

A religious movement.

***

What goes “Ooooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

***

What is a man’s view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

***

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the sound.

***

How do you know if a stoner crashed into your house?

He’s still there.

***

How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in the liquidizer.

***

What do you call an artist with brown fingers?

Picasso (pick-ass-o).

***

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

***

Did you hear about the new French tank?

It has 14 gears. Thirteen go in reverse and one forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind.

***

What did the redneck say to his girlfriend after breaking up with her?

“Can we still be cousins?”

***

Did you hear about the guy in hospital for sniffing curry powder?

He’s in a korma.

***

What did the Mexican fireman name his twins?

Hose A and Hose B.

***

What do a farmer a pimp have in common?

Both need a hoe to stay in business.

***

What’s the last thing a drummer says before leaving a band?

“Why don’t we try one of my songs?”

***

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honour.

***

What do you call a guy born in Leeds, who grows up in Edinburgh and dies in Liverpool?

Dead.

***

What do you get when you cross LSD with a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids.

***

What’s grey, eats fish and lives in Washington DC?

The Presidential Seal.

***

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers. (just (h)is fingers

***

What’s the difference between a waitress who works in a strip and a stripper?

Two weeks.

***

What’s the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

***

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

They don’t have time.

***

What do you call a large cloud that marries lots of smaller clouds?

A bigger mist (a bigamist).

***

How many men do you need for a Mafia funeral?

Just one. To slam the car boot shut.

***

Do you know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

***

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

“If your father could see you now, he’d turn in his gravy.”

***

Why do police have trouble solving murders by rednecks?

Because they all have the same DNA.

***

What is it that separates five nymphomaniacs from two drunks?

The cockpit door.

***

Why do Rover cars have heated rear windows?

To keep your hands warm while you’re pushing.

***

What do you call an Aussie farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A bigamist

***

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

***

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?

A full set of teeth.

***

A man goes into the barbers. The barber asks, “Do you want a crew cut?”

The man replies, “No, thanks, it’s just for me.”

***

What do you call a New Zealander with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?

Bisexual.

***

The good news: Saddam Hussein is facing the death penalty.

The bad news: Beckham is tackling it…