Men vs women jokes

Harsh… but true

What do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her intelligence?

Divorced.

So that’s it

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans’s sex drive by 90 per cent. It’s called a wedding cake.

Selective deafness

What woman say:

“This place is a mess! C’mon,

You’re a real slob: it’s not going to go on like this, you and me!

Your stuff is lying on the floor

And you’ll have no clothes

To wear at work tomorrow

Get your ass off of this sofa right now!”

What men hear:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND ME

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT N OW

Vive la difference

A French language teacher is trying to explain that French nouns are either masculine or feminine. She further explains that there’s no grammatical rule to determine what gender a prticular word is: a plate is feminine while a glass is masculine, and that’s’s the way it is. To prove this, she divides the glass into two groups, one male and one female, and asks the groups to find reasons why the noun “computer” should be either masculine or feminine.

The group of women concludes that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half

the time they are the problem.

As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you’d

waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decide that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

I need some space

There’s a new book out to help couples achieve a better relationship. It’s called, Women Are From Venus, Men Are Wrong. (From Mars/Arse).

Somebody up there likes me

“My wife’s an angel.” “Lucky you. Mine’s still alive.”

You know, that’s a very good question…

If all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from?

Poor pussy

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

For once, no chickens

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? What the fuck was the bitch doing out of the kitchen?

Wise advice

If you ever wanted to be a bigamist, think again: you’ll have two mothers-in-law.

Well, now you do

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Power of the press

A man insert an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. The next day he receives 100 letters all saying the same thing: “You can have mine.”

That’ll teach you

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

Get used to it

Three couples are in a restaurant. Two couples have been married for only a short while: the others have been together for years.

The first wife says to her husband: “could you pass me the sugar, sugar?”

The man gives her a look of total infatuation and passes the sugar.

“Could you pass me the honey, honey?” said the second wife. The husband smiles and it’s like the sun is setting in his eyes.

The last woman looks at both the young wives in a way a teacher would look at a particularly slow student and says: “Can you pass me the bacon, pig?”

And that’s where it all started to go wrong

“God,” said Adam, “why did you make Eve so beautiful?”

“So you would love her.”

“But why did you make her so dumb?”

“So she would love you.”

Ain’t it the truth?

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Can’t argue with that one

My girlfrend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfrends.

Mark the calendar

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Clearing the shelvesFor sale: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. No longer needed: wife knows everything.

Probably not a good idea, then

I’m thinking about getting married. I looked up the word “engaged” in the dictionary. It said, “To do battle with the enemy.” Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, “See “engaged.””

Harsh but fair

A husband is whatever is left of the lover after all the never has been extracted.