Premedicated Humor

1. The patient is a 32-year-old male who was invoked in an altercation with his ex-wife. He suffered a con­cussion, black eye, and laceration of the arm. She complained of a stress headache from the incident.

2. Patient's wife hit him over the head with an ironing board, which now has six stitches in it.

3. For his impotence we will discontinue the meds and let his wife handle him.

4. She is quite hard of hearing. In fact, she can't hear at all in the left eye.

5. Her first and only child was born at age 44.

6. The patient is a 46-vear-old, single, unemployed, retired Hell's Angel.

7. He states he hit his head on his forehead.

8. The genitalia are normal in experience … I’m sorry … appearance.

9. Chief complaint: Auto/pederast accident. History. The patient u as a pederast and was struck by an automobile of unknown history. (pedestrian).

10. The patient says he feels so wonderful he wonders what lo do with it.

11. The patient is a Catholic nun currently in between missionaries.

12. He was the first of eight children. His father died at seven.

13. She has striking red hair and matching brown eyes.

14. Patient stated that if she would lie down, within two or three minutes something would come across her abdomen and knock her up.

15. He has an allergy to asthma.

16. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

17. The patient and her husband are both trying to get pregnant.

18. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night.

Laugh Insurance

Here are some explanations for calamitous claims, as received by various insurance company divisions and underwriters. Each is a laugh insurance policy in itself:

1. An airplane hit the house and came in.

2. I was up a tree after a squirrel, and a guy shot at me.

3. Hernia from pulling cork out of bottle.

4. I was crossing the street when a car hit my husband, causing me to break my left foot.

5. Getting on a bus, the driver started before I was all in.

6. While dancing in the navy, someone stepped on my hand.

7. I fell, hitting my right head.

8. I displaced my shoulder swatting a fly.

9. I keep vomiting on an empty stomach.

10. I hurt my leg and ever since have been decapitated (incapacitated)

11. I woke up unconscious.

12. I am sick now from an absence in my head.

13. While waving good night to a friend, I fell out a two-story window.

14. I broke my foot when I jumped from a 10-foot bank to get down in a ditch so I could get up a tree.

15. My downfall was a stairway.

16. I fell from the ceiling at home. Am nervous to work now.

17. Broken uncle.

18. I have romantic fever.

19. I was break-dancing, and I think the break broke me.

Signs of Trouble

1. Near a London hospital:

HOSPITAL

PLEASE GO QUIETLY

2. Near Heathrow Airport:

TWA—FLIGHTS TO THE UNITED STATES AND CALIFORNIA.

3. In the window of a Woodsville, Washington, store:

OUT OF BUSINESS

THANKS TO OUR CUSTOMERS

4. On the door of a men’s room in West Virginia:

MEN

SLIPPERY

WHEN

WET

5. Outside a cabinetmaker’s shop in Sperryville, Virginia:

ANTIQUE TABLES

MADE DAILY

6. On a Newton, Massachusetts, club:

LIVE LOBSTERS

DANCING NIGHTLY

7. At a Sandwich, Massachusetts, diner: we guarantee fast SERVICE NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.

8. In the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant in Detroit: employ­ees must wash your hands.

9. On a farm near Elizabethtown, Kentucky: used COWS for SALE.

10. On a back road in Washington State: