Science Friction

1. A student in science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm." At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."

2. All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.

3. Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity.

4. Galileo showed that the earth was round and not vice versa. He dropped his balls to prove gravity.

5. Marie and Perrier Curie shared the Noble Prize.

6. Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Insti­tute in France.

7. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

8. Dinosaurs became extinct after the flood because they were too big to get into the ark.

9. Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

10. Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

11. A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.

12. A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

13. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

14. As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

15. The union of the egg and sperm is called deception.

16. Human beings share a need for food, shelter, and sex with lower animals.

17. The safest sex is absence.

18. On a date, a boy tries to show how masculine he is. On this point, a girl can help greatly.

19. Teenage suicide is a problem because approximately 400,000 teenagers attempt to commit suicide and only 7,000 succeed.

Finally, here are some science daffynitions concocted by our students, who are well on their way to becoming the scientists of tomorrow:

• Aorta: a man who makes long speeches.

• Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Stop the Music!

1. Caruso was the first Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

2. Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.

3. The principle singer of the 19th-centurv opera was called pre-Madonna.

4. At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them Since synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.

5. All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded, like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Imo Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue, In defining musical terms, they also demonstrate that they know their brass from their oboe:

6. Music: sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. If they sing; without music, it is called Acapulco.

7. Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

8. A harp is a nude piano.

9. An oboe is an American tramp. (written by a British student)

10. A Stradivarius is a prehistoric animal.

11. An opera is a song of bigly size.

12. An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

13. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

14. I know what a sextet is, but I'd rather not say.

15. Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

16. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote three symphonies: the Third, the Fifth, and the Ninth. He wrote music even though he was deaf. Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he would be celebrating the 165th anniversary of his death?

18. Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.