Mrs. Malaprop Lives!

1. In Venice, the people travel around the canals in gargonzolas. (Gondolas)

2. In the United States, people are put to death by elocution. (electrocution)

3. The two sides in a court trial are the defense and the prostitution. (prosecution)

4. I haven't seen him in over a year. I hear he went to one of those ivory league colleges. (Ivy League)

5. Okay, I'm going to give you a ballpoint figure. (ballpark)

6. She's led a sedimentary life. sedentary

7. He's always hurling epitaphs at people. (epithets)

8. When the Martians' spaceship landed, they got out and had testicles all over their heads. (tentacles)

9. The food in our cafeteria is so bad it's not fit for human constipation. (consumption)

10. The Alberta Pipeline was largely financed through ornate investigators. (ordinary investors)

11. He was arrested for parking tickets and other mister meaners. (misdemeanors)

12. A Spanish Armada ship sank years ago off the coast of Florida. When I lived there, divers would search the wreckage for gold bunions. (bullion)

13. Many college students are abscessed with TV. (obsessed)

14. President Clinton was a Road Scholar. (Rhodes)

15. Adult[ery] is what adolescents are practicing for.

16. I want that list arranged in [con]descending order.

17. Children Lend to put their parents on a petal stool.

18. The British Museum was a millstone in the development of civilization. (milestone)

19. I plead the Fifth commandment. (Amendment)

20. 1 drank myself into Bolivia. (oblivion.)

21. I'm calling on my cellulite phone. (cellular)

22. I'm blessed with a photogenic memory. (graphic)

23. Game canceled due to inclimate weather. (inclement)

24. I offer this solution to the problem that plagiarizes all of us. (plagues)

25. He suffered from low self of steam. (esteem)

26. You're hand stringing my creativity. (hamstringing)

27. 1 am utterly dumb folded. (dumfounded)

28. Children so smart they are in exhilarated classes. (accelerated)

29. Several workers were laid off, but they all received sufferance pay. (severance)

30. Here is the recipe for my fruit compost. (compote)

31. Now it might get a little cool tonight, so just pull that African at the foot at the bed over you. (Afghan)

32. A few members argue that it would be a mute point if the majority doesn't speak out. (moot)

33. She digressed back to her childhood. (regressed)

34. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me. (incriminate)

35. There's no astigmatism attached to that. (stigma)

36. My contact lenses adhere to the contortion of my eye. (contraction)

37. The decimal level was too high to measure. (decibel)

38. She was dressed in full regatta. (regalia)

39. I have a good rappaport with just about everyone. (rapport)

40. This list is impartial. I need a complete list. (partial)

41. This will only exasperate the problem. (exacerbate)

42. It was a real cliff-dweller. (cliff-hanger)

43. His attendance has been very erotic. (erratic)

44. The museum contains many artifacts and pimentos of the past. (mementos)

45. Make your homecoming a memorial one. (memorable)

46. Meanwhile, the state has already spent the money collected from the exuberant fee. (exhorbitant)

47. My son's grades have taken a real nosedrop. (nosedive)

48. After the service, entertainment will follow at the local cemetery. (interment)

49. The world today is full of crime and phonography. (pornography)

50. I don't believe in heaven or hell, but I do believe in puberty. (Purgatory)

When Metaphors Collide

I never used metaphor I didn't like, and 1 never met a mixed metaphor 1 didn't collect. I now grab the bull by the tail and present the cream of the dregs of figures of speech that just don't add up:

1. That's water under the dam. (over the bridge)

2. Let's not stir up sleeping dogs. (Let [not stir up] … lie.)

3. Let's be sure that the contract covers all the asses.

4. My new Saab is unbelievable. It's the Cadillac of cars.

5. The light at the end of the tunnel is just the tip of the iceberg. (an oncoming train!)

6. I've got an ace up my hole. (sleeve)

7. He was bleeding like a stuffed pig. (stuck)

8. That was the last straw on the camel's back. (that broke)

9. You can't change the spots on an old dog. (teach)(new tricks)

10. We had some disagreements early in her career but she's turned her attitude around 360 degrees since then. (180)

11. It was like pulling hens' teeth.

12. The pianist has the fastest fingers ever to set foot on stage.

13. The underground parking garage will never see the light of day.

14. It's time to fish or get off the pot. (sh*t)

15. He smokes like a fish. (chimney) (drinks like a fish)

16. Remember, she's no fried chicken. (spring)

17. What can I do? I'm only a big wheel in a small pond. (small fish in a big pond.)

18. Her leg was amputated after a long-standing illness. (long)

19. In our family we bend over backward to be upright and honest.

20. Oral sex is distasteful.

21. It's a Pandora's box hanging over our heads.

22. The matrimonial agency was barely making ends meet.

23. The diving school was barely keeping its head above water.

24. We're back to square zero. (one)

25. A wedding aboard a luxurious cruise boat can run from $3,000 to $20,000, if someone wants to go overboard.

26. The chasms in my general knowledge are abysmal.

27. He was three shades in the wind. (sheets to)

28. She was born with a silver slipper in her mouth. (spoon)

29. You've got to put your foot down with a firm hand.

30. What can you do when you're at the bottom of the rung? on the bottom rung of the ladder?

31. You've hit the iceberg on the head. (nail)

32. They're trying to pull the wool over my face. (eyes)

33. I'm not mending bridges we've already sold down the river.

34. I only have two pair of hands. (one)

35. Let's bite the bull by the horns. (take)

How’s That Again?

An obituary in a Peoria, Illinois, newspaper read: "Mr. Martin Shore was born in Madison, Wisconsin, where he died and later moved to Peoria."

During the Vietnam War, a U.S. military officer ex­plained, "We had to destroy that town in order to save it."

"After the eighties, the nineties will make the fifties look like the sixties."

The sagacious Hobbes, of the late comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, once predicted that "we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding." Hobbes had it just about right when it comes to state­ments such as the following: