Relationship Problem

Follow Steve’s algorithm to answer all the questions posed. Please write at least ONE good paragraph in response to each stage in Steve’s plan, referring to at least ONE concept from the chapter in each.

CHOOSING BETWEEN FAMILY AND FRIENDS

BACKGROUND

If you’re like most people, family relationships and friendships form the foundation of your interpersonal life. But when family and friends place competing demands on you, choosing which relationships to honor and how best to communicate your decision is difficult. To see how you would manage such a situation, read the case study and work through the five steps that follow.

CASE STUDY

You’re nearing the end of your last semester in college. Over the last couple of years, you’ve had four best friends: Jennifer, Colin, Tamika, and Josh. The five of you are really close, and despite a couple of failed “friends-with-benefits” flings, you’ve all been able to maintain your bond. The Saturday before graduation, Jen calls you up and invites you over. She’s acting kind of weird on the phone, so you know something’s up.

When you arrive, your friends are all there, waiting for you and looking serious. Jen says, “We’ve been wanting to talk with you about something for a long time now.” You start getting worried, but then she says, “You know how you’ve always dreamed of a postgraduation tour of Europe but never thought you could afford it? Well, we bought tickets for you; we’re all going!” You stand there, stunned. This is something you and your friends only talked about, but you never thought it would actually happen. Yet these generous buddies, who all come from families more affluent than yours, have purchased your airfare as a gift to you. “Come on,” says Josh, “you know none of us would have passed Chemistry without your help!” Although you feel somewhat guilty about accepting, you do—and the five of you begin excitedly discussing

plans to depart for London on July 1.

That night, you call your folks to share the good news. Your mother says, “That’s fantastic, dear, just as long as you’re home for the Fourth of July.” When you ask why, your mom tells you that your family is having a huge reunion on the

Fourth and that you have to be there. When you tell your mom about the trip dates, she says, “You’ll just have to cancel or reschedule. Your duty first and foremost is to your family. This reunion is more important than some trip your friends have cooked up. We expect you to be here!”

You text Jen, and a few minutes later, your cell phone rings. When you tell her about what’s happening, she says, “Look, you’re always doing everything your family says, right? You got good grades, you chose the right major, and you’ve even got a job lined up. It’s time you did something for yourself. You can see your family anytime. Besides, we already bought your tickets and they’re nonrefundable, so it’s a done deal. The whole idea of the trip was for us to treat you. Don’t you bail on us! If you do, we will never forgive you!”

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the concepts listed below.)

Step 1: Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation, regarding both your friends and your family? What attributions are you making about your family and friends? Are your attributions accurate? Why or why not?

Step 2: Reflect on your family and friends. Using perspective-taking, put yourself in both your family’s and your friends’ shoes. Consider how they’re thinking and feeling. Is one of them right in this situation and the other wrong? Are both of their views valid?

Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome. Think about what’s happening now in this situation and what’s going to happen. Consider your own feelings as well as those of your family and friends. Given all these factors, what’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible here? Be sure to consider not just what’s best for you, but what’s best for everyone else.

Step 4: Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration your own thoughts and feelings, those of your friends and family, and all that has happened in this situation, what factors are keeping you from achieving the optimal outcome you identified in step 3?

Step 5: Chart your course. What will you say to overcome the roadblocks and achieve your optimal relationship outcome?

Skill

COMMUNICATING POSITIVITY

This exercise helps you communicate positivity, openness, and assurances to your family.

➊ Think of a family member with whom you would like to strengthen your bond.

➋ Identify ways you might use positivity, such as surprising this person with a compliment or commending her or him for helping the family.

➌ List ideas for establishing openness—things you can say that will encourage this person to share her or his concerns and that will demonstrate that you’re an empathic listener.

➍ Determine how you might use assurances to convey how important this family member is to you.

➎ For your next encounter, develop a communication plan that incorporates the best of your ideas.

CHANGING AVOIDANCE IN FAMILIES

This exercise helps you change family communication rules regarding an important issue that’s being avoided.

➊ Identify an important issue that your family currently avoids discussing.

➋ Select one family member who might be open to talking about this concern.

➌ Initiate a discussion with this person, using competent and cooperative language.

➍ Mutually create a plan for how the issue can be raised with other family members and what exactly you both will say.

➎ Implement your plan, one additional family member at a time.

MAINTAINING LONG-DISTANCE FRIENDSHIPS

This exercise helps you maintain long-distance friendships through online communication.

➊ Think of a good friend who lives far away.

➋ In your online interactions, focus your message content on interests you share in common, making sure to ask about your friend’s continued participation in these things.

➌ Send text messages letting your friend know you’re thinking of and missing her or him.

➍ Craft e-mails that have no purpose other than to fondly recap experiences you’ve shared in the past.

➎ Forward to your friend Web links with ideas for future activities you can share together.

➏ When your friend discloses major life changes that she or he is excited about, provide support in the quickest fashion possible, whether by text message, e-mail, phone call, or all three.