Relationship Problem

Follow Steve’s algorithm to answer all the questions posed. Please write at least ONE good paragraph in response to each stage in Steve’s plan, referring to at least ONE concept from the chapter in each.

MANAGING ANGER AND PROVIDING SUPPORT

BACKGROUND

Managing your anger and providing supportive communication are two skills that can you’re trying to support someone who is making you angry. Read the case study, and work the five steps that follow to learn how you might effectively deal with this situation.

CASE STUDY

You’re the oldest sibling in a close family in which everyone freely expresses their emotions and often talks about daily events. Of all your siblings, you seem to share an especially close bond with John, the youngest. When John accepts a job offer out-of-state, you’re sad to see him go, but you’re excited for his future and take comfort in the daily e-mails you exchange.

Shortly after John moves away, your grandmother has a heart attack. Doctors initially think she will make a full recovery, so you e-mail John and tell him not to worry. However, her condition suddenly worsens, and she passes away. Everyone is grief-stricken, but John is devastated. He is the only one in your immediate family who didn’t see her before she died. John was very close to her because she took care of him during much of his childhood when your mom went back to school.

When John arrives for the funeral, he seems sullen and bitter. But so much is going on that you don’t get a chance to talk with him at length. Before you know it, he has left. Following the funeral, John rebuffs your attempts to communicate with him. He doesn’t return your e-mails or phone messages, only sending an instant message saying “leave me alone.” You become increasingly worried about how he is dealing with his grief. You leave John a phone message and send an e-mail telling him that you’re coming to visit. Despite receiving no response, you opt to go anyway.

Arriving after several hours of grueling travel, you are shocked to find John unwelcoming. Scowling, he says, “What are you doing here? I thought I told you to leave me alone.” You start getting angry. After all, you spent a good portion of your savings to get here, and you made the trip out of love and concern for John. As you try to manage your anger by using the Jefferson strategy, John attacks: “Oh, I get it. This is the big ‘ease your conscience’ trip. You figure that if you comfort me, I’ll feel better about you lying to me about Grandma’s condition. Well, it’s not going to work. I didn’t get to see her before she died and it’s your fault, so why don’t you take your self-serving concern and go home!” He slams the door in your face.

You’re left standing on the porch, furious. Do you make the several-hour trip home, heeding John’s request even though you know he said it out of anger? Or do you pursue your original plan of trying to help John deal with his grief?

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the concepts listed below.)

Step 1: Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? Are your impressions accurate, or could you be mistaken in some way?

Step 2: Reflect on your partner. Put yourself in John’s shoes. What is he thinking and feeling? Is his perspective legitimate?

Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome. When you think about this situation, as well as your feelings, John’s feelings, and your relationship with him, what’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible? Be sure to consider not just what’s best for you, but what’s best for all those who are involved.

Step 4: Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration your own thoughts and feelings, those of John, and all that has happened in this situation, what obstacles are keeping you from achieving the optimal outcome?

Step 5: Chart your course. What can you say and do to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal relationship outcome?

HELPFUL CONCEPTS

Gender and emotion, 125–126

Emotion management strategies, 127–132

Anger, 134–137

Grief, 139–141

Supportive communication, 141, 145

Skill

MANAGING NEGATIVE MOODS

This exercise helps you manage negative moods.

➊ Recall a bad mood you experienced and how it influenced your perception and communication.

➋ Identify strategies you used to change your mood. How effective were they?

➌ The next time you’re in a bad mood, use one or a combination of the mood improving strategies suggested in this chapter.

➍ Compare the results of both sets of strategies. Which strategies have the most positive impact on your perception of others and your interpersonal communication?

MANAGING EMOTIONS THROUGH REAPPRAISING

This exercise helps you manage your emotions through reappraisal.

➊ Pick a relationship that evokes emotions you’d like to manage more effectively.

➋ Identify events that trigger those emotions.

➌ The next time such an event occurs, focus on positive aspects of yourself, the other person, your relationship, and the situation.

➍ Identify communication that will foster positive outcomes.

➎ Observe how your positive thoughts and constructive communication affect the relationship.

RESPONDING EFFECTIVELY WHEN ANGRY ONLINE

This exercise helps you to respond effectively during an online encounter in which you’re angry.

➊ Identify a message or post that triggers anger.

➋ Before responding, manage your anger.

➌ Practice perspectivetaking and empathic concern toward the message source.

➍ Craft a response that expresses empathy, and save it as a draft.

➎ Later, review your message, revise it as necessary, and then send it.