IV. Maintaining Family Relationships

1. Positivity – tendency to communicate in an upbeat and hopeful fashion: (a) start doing favors without being asked; (b) provide small gifts to show you care; (c) plan to make every occasion enjoyable; (d) solve instead of complaining; (e) do not ridicule but seek to empathize; (f) do not demand preferred treatment, make small steps yourself.

2. Openness – treating members of the family consistently, with trust and ethics: (a) make time to discuss issues; (b) share concerns; (c) offer perspectives in a helpful way; (d) do not betray confidence, (e) do not act defensively; (f) don’t disparage family members’ views, (g) do not hid things from your family.

3. Granting Assurances – making your family members know that they are valued and appreciated: (a) make verbal and nonverbal gestures of commitment; (b) predict bonds for the future; (c) do not devalue relationship in front of others; (d) do not comment on other families being superior to yours.

4. Using Technology – available tools to maintain interaction over distance: (a) e-mail; (b) text messaging, (c) instant messaging; (d) phone calls; (e) virtual cards.

DISCUSSION STARTER 3: Who has more influence in shaping your relationship decisions: your family or your friends? Whom do you look to for emotional support in times of need? Has the degree to which you depend on your family versus your friends changed over time? If so, why?

V. Dealing with Family Tensions

1. Leslie Baxter, Barbara Montgomery: Balancing Autonomy and Connection. People are at once connected to their family and seek to find some autonomy. It is especially evident during adolescence as children switch reference groups. Remedies: (a) share activities; (b) share tasks, (c) cultivate social networks (choose the closest people you can associate with).

2. Balancing Openness and Protection. People are at once open to sharing personal information and cautious about revealing too much. Remedies: establish family communication rules: (a) when to talk about things; (b) who to talk to on certain topics; (c) how can this topic be discussed; (d) what topics to avoid discussing; (e) who to exclude from communicating on these issues.

What can you do improve rules: (a) approve topics for communication; (b) be ready to shift from relationship focus as children grow and circumstances change; (c) define boundaries for discussion with each member; (d) any change in patterns should be gradual.

3. Sharing Family Stories: Elizabeth Stone: narrative accounts shared repeatedly within a family. Family stories include: (a) courtship stories; (b) birth stories; (c) survival stories; (d) humorous stories. It is important that participants realize: (a) stories must serve as sources of values; (b) stories must present family members in a good light; (c) stories may be told of other members of the family that they themselves must like to share.

DISCUSSION STARTER 4: What are the most memorable family stories that were shared with you during your upbringing? What lessons did they teach you about your family and the values that you share? Did the stories function to bring you together as a family, or drive you apart?