VIII. Gender and Friendship

1. Stereotypical perception: (a) women are more communal; (b) men are more agentic.

2. Fact: (a) both types of friendship exist in both genders; (b) men are just more cautious about revealing communal friendships; (c) both genders use friends of the same gender to disclose information; (d) platonic friendships are increasing in importance; (e) cross-sex friendships are occurring increasingly more often, not motivated by sexual attraction.

3. Challenges: (a) men and women learn sex segregation from early age; (b) little interaction experience; (c) people stereotype cross-sex couples.

4. “Friends with Benefits” is a term used to describe friends that engage in sexual activities. FWB: (a) have little commitment; (b) satisfy their sexual needs; (c) develop clear rules on attachment, communication and sex.

DISCUSSION STARTER 6: Have you had an FWB relationship? If so, what were the pros and cons? Did you and your friend establish rules for the relationship? If so, what were they? And to what degree did you both follow those rules?

1. Maintaining Friendships

1. Maintenance Strategies for Friends.

1. Sharing activities (structure your schedule to allow friends to share hobbies, interests and leisure);

2. Communicating openly: (make your communication predictable, trustworthy and ethical, yet balance openness with protection.

3. Gretchen Rubin suggests interesting pieces of advice on maintaining friendships (Michael’s Sound Bite 10-2, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-happiness-project/201001/eight-tips-maintaining-friendships): (a) keep in touch on social media; (b) have regular face-to-face meetings; (c) join a group together; (d) find fun things to do; (e) be wary of false choices; (f) give tokens of appreciation; (g) cut some slack; (h) don’t expect spontaneous breakthroughs in friendship.

DISCUSSION STARTER 3: Think of a good friend. Which conversational topics have you and your friend agreed will be off-limits because discussing them could threaten your bond? Has this avoidance of sensitive subjects helped you maintain the friendship, or has it created too much distance between you?

2. Abiding By Friendship Rules (Michael Argyle):

1. Show support; (b) seek support; (c) respect privacy; (d) keep confidences; (e) defend friends; (f) avoid public criticism; (g) make your friends happy; (h) manage jealousy; (i) share humor; (j) maintain equity.

DISCUSSION STARTER 4: Consider the 10 universal rules that successful friends follow. Which of these rules do you abide by in your own friendships? Which do you neglect? How has neglecting some of these rules affected your friendships? What steps might you take to better follow rules you’ve previously neglected?

3. Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships

Michael Rabby: Long-distance friendships are difficult to maintain due to irregular contact and having to share activities when actually meeting. Surviving LDF: (a) have a particular strong liking; (b) accept change as natural; (c) have a sense of shared history; (d) maintain contact using technology; (e) remind each other of affection and regard; (f) spend time recounting events and experiences; (g) show support when needed.