Relationship Problem

Follow Steve’s algorithm to answer all the questions posed. Please write at least ONE good paragraph in response to each stage in Steve’s plan, referring to at least ONE concept from the chapter in each.

DEALING WITH A JEALOUS PARTNER

BACKGROUND

All romantic relationships face challenges. But when a partner whom you love, and who is adored by friends and family, begins behaving erratically because of jealousy, your communication skills and relationship decision making are put to the test. To consider how you might deal with such a dilemma, read the case study and work through the five steps that follow.

CASE STUDY

Your relationship with Taegan is the most passionate you’ve yet experienced, and you consider yourself “head-over-heels in love.” Taegan is extremely attractive, and you two share a powerful sexual connection. But sense of humor, intelligence, and charisma are Taegan’s most alluring qualities. Your family adores Taegan, and your best friend thinks Taegan is “a hottie.”

Although your feelings developed quickly, you were surprised by how rapidly Taegan invested: within days of first meeting you, Taegan was insisting, “You and I are meant to be!”

Last week, however, a troubling incident occurred at a party. Taegan and you were having a great time until you decided to spend a few minutes catching up with your friend Chris, whom you hadn’t seen in a while. Although you’re not romantically interested in Chris, Chris is very attractive. Seeing you hug Chris good-bye, Taegan blew up, “Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on here!” It was so weird and unexpected that you actually thought Taegan was joking. But when you downplayed it with a teasing response, Taegan hissed, “Do you think I’m a fool? I know you’re cheating on me!” and stormed off. You were incredibly embarrassed, and apologized to Chris before leaving to find Taegan. Taegan refused to return your text messages for several hours, but when you two finally talked, Taegan offered a tearful apology, “I’m so sorry—it’s just that I love you so much; seeing you with Chris made me crazy.”

Today you get a call from Chris, asking “Why did you de-friend me on Facebook?” “I didn’t,” you respond. “Well, you better check your account, because I’ve been removed from your friends list!” Puzzled, you sign on, only to find that several of your friends have been deleted, photos of you with your ex have been removed from your albums, and wall postings from Chris and others have been purged. Suspecting Taegan, you call, and Taegan says, “Yes, I changed your page. I watched you type in your password the other day, and used it to gain access. You know what a jealous person I am! You shouldn’t have had those photos and messages on your page in the first place!”

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially in this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the concepts listed below.)

Step 1: Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? What attributions are you making about Taegan? Are your attributions accurate? Why or why not?

Step 2: Reflect on your partner. Using perspective-taking and empathic concern, put yourself in Taegan’s shoes. Consider how your romantic partner is thinking and feeling. How does Taegan likely perceive this situation? How does Taegan feel about you and your relationship?

Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome. Think about all the information you have about Taegan and about this relationship. Consider your own feelings as well as your partner’s. Given all these factors, what’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible here? Be sure to consider not just what’s best for you, but what’s best for Taegan as well.

Step 4: Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration your own thoughts and feelings, Taegan’s, and the situation, what’s preventing you from achieving the optimal outcome you identified in step 3?

Step 5: Chart your course. What will you say to Taegan to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal relationship outcome?

Skill

OVERCOMING DIFFERENTIATION

This exercise helps you to overcome differentiating.

➊ Identify when you and your romantic partner are differentiating.

➋ Check your perception of the relationship, paying special attention to how you’ve punctuated encounters and the attributions you’ve made about your partner.

➌ Call to mind the similarities that originally brought you and your partner together.

➍ Discuss your concerns with your partner, emphasizing the similarities you share and your desire to continue the relationship, and expressing empathic concern and perspectivetaking as you do so.

➎ Explore solutions to the differences that have been troubling you.

USING TECHNOLOGY IN MAINTAINING ROMANCE

This exercise helps you use technology to maintain romance.

➊ Send your partner an e-mail or text that has no purpose other than to compliment him or her.

➋ Forward a funny online joke to your partner.

➌ Post a message on your partner’s Web page, saying how excited you are about seeing her or him soon.

➍ During a day you know is especially high-stress for your partner, send an e-mail or text that says, “Just thinking of you.”

➎ Recall a friend or family member whom your partner has been concerned about, and send an e-mail or text to your partner inquiring about how the person is doing.

➏ Think of a task your partner has been wanting you to do, complete it, then text-message your partner to let her or him know you took care of it.

OVERCOMING JEALOUSY

This exercise helps you communicate more effectively when jealousy strikes.

➊ Identify an upcoming situation that may trigger jealousy in you.

➋ When you’re in the situation, continue your current activities, not letting the event that triggered your jealousy distract you from completing what you were doing.

➌ Avoid immediate communication with your partner.

➍ While you’re finishing what you were doing, practice the Jefferson Strategy, counting to 10 or 100 until you cool off.

➎ Initiate communication with your partner, using your cooperative language skills and explaining to him or her why the event caused you to feel jealous. Solicit your partner’s perspective on the situation.