II. Key Elements of Romantic Relationships

1. Leslie Baxter: Perception: A relationship exists when both parties consider it as such; the changing definition of the relationship by one person changes the nature of the relationship for both.

2. Diversity: Romantic relationships can occur in all ages, for both genders, in any ethnic or religious community, and with any sexual orientation, yet most proceed in a similar fashion.

3. Choice: Romantic relationships must exercise fee choice.

4. Relational Dialectics (Leslie Baxter): Tensions between opposite attributes: openness vs. protection; autonomy vs. connection; stability vs. excitement and change.

5. Communication.

DISCUSSION STARTER 2: Have you ever backed off from a relationship because you felt too connected to the other person? Because things had become too predictable and boring? Do you feel comfortable sharing everything with romantic partners, or should some things remain private?

III. Influences on Romantic Attraction

1. Proximity: Relationships need exposure effect (people are more attracted to those with whom they have frequent contact);

2. Physical Attractiveness: Relationships work out of the beautiful-is-good assumption; we associate with each other on the matching principle (we look good together);

3. Similarity: sharing parallel personalities, values, and likes and dislikes; however parties usually do not consider minor differences if they are brought together by major similarities.

4. Resources: physical attractiveness, intelligence, humor, money, and sexual interplay. According to Social Exchange Theory (John Thibaut), (a) you are drawn to those who offer substantial benefits, (b) you are drawn to relationships with few associated costs; (c) you like the relationships where you find balance (proportional justice). Relationships can become unequal or overbenefited.

DISCUSSION STARTER 3: How much daily contact do you have with people of other ethnicities, based on where you live, work, and go to school? Do you date outside of your own ethnic group? How has the frequency with which you’ve had contact with diverse others shaped your decision?

IV. Technology and Romantic Attraction

Romantic relationships of today are enhanced by media: (a) cellular phones, (b) the Internet, especially social networks; (c) personal websites; (d) online pictures, (e) search engines.

Technologies breed tensions: (a) not everyone is honest in their online presentation; (b) this usually results in tensions incomparable with honest self-presentation.

V. Stages of Romantic Relationships According to Mark Knapp

1. Mark Knapp: Coming Together Stages: (a) Initiation (sizing up, analyzing visible information, greetings, self-presentation); (b) experimenting (exchanging demographic information, small talk, open topics); (c) intensifying (feeling of attraction, increased intimacy of topics, “we” language, direct expressing of commitment, sharing physical space, physical expression of commitment); (c) integrating (identities become one, sexual activity, sharing of artifacts, rapport, nonverbal expression) developing common attitudes and activities; (d) bonding (introducing to others, struggling with dialectical tensions).

2. Coming Apart Stages: (a) differentiation (finding differences between the values of yourself and your partner, these differences dominating your interaction); (b) circumscribing (restricting the quantity and quality of information you exchange with your partner); (c) stagnating (your relationships seems “stuck” or “trapped.”); (d) avoiding (creating distance between each other); (e) terminating (discussing your past, present, and future, exchanging summary statements, creating physical distance, less eye contact).

3. Helping Deal with Coming Apart: (a) empathize; (b) offer supportive communication; (c) put together competent verbal messages; (d) follow Grice maxims.

4. (Michael’s Sound Bite 10-2): Mahatma Gandhi had offered using open tactics. I could not agree more: (a) discuss your actions; (b) warn of the next step and the consequences; (c) establish limits; (d) use any conflict to move towards a clearly defined goal that your opponent knows about.

DISCUSSION STARTER 1: How do you communicate to someone that you don’t want your relationship to progress beyond experimenting? That you do want to “take it to the next level”? In your opinion, what’s the most reliable, telltale communication sign that a relationship has definitely moved beyond experimenting and is intensifying?

DISCUSSION STARTER 2: Have most of your romantic relationships ended by avoiding? Or have you sought the closure provided by terminating? In what situations is one approach to ending relationships better than the other? Is one more ethical?