Relationship Problem

Follow Steve’s algorithm to answer all the questions posed. Please write at least ONE good paragraph in response to each stage in Steve’s plan, referring to at least ONE concept from the chapter in each.

BACKGROUND

Self-disclosure is the primary vehicle people use to communicate their private selves to others in interpersonal relationships. Yet choosing when and how to self-disclose or ask for self-disclosure can be tricky, particularly when ethical considerations are involved. Read the following case study, and work through the five steps that follow to learn how you can ethically self-disclose.

CASE-STUDY

You work for Jaime, a longtime family friend who owns a small but thriving business. Before you started the job, Jaime made a deal with you: she would pay your college tuition if you promised to work for her for three years following graduation. Her generosity made it possible for you to get your BA—something you never could have afforded otherwise. Needless to say, you feel very loyal to Jaime.

A few months ago, Jaime hired Jonathan, whom you’ve known since grade school. Jonathan’s public self is impressive; he’s funny, charming, and intelligent. He manages to cheer you up no matter what’s happening in your life.

But you’ve always wondered whether his public self is really just a mask. Jonathan doesn’t let people into his central self; he keeps everyone, including you, at a distance. Whenever conversations

get too personal, he cracks a joke. And over the years, no matter what the situation—a group project, dinner out, or weekend trips with friends—things always seem to miraculously work out so that Jonathan contributes the least and benefits the most. You can’t help but wonder whether he’s a nice guy with incredible luck or someone who constantly manipulates situations to his advantage.

One day, you learn that Jaime has just made the same tuition offer to Jonathan, and he has accepted. You and Jonathan go out to celebrate. But when you toast Jaime’s generosity, Jonathan laughs and says, “To the suckers of the world!” When you tell him how excited you are that you’ll be working together for several more years, Jonathan says, “We’ll see.” You suddenly have the uncomfortable feeling that he’s planning to renege on his end of the deal. You decide to press him: “You’re not planning on bailing on Jaime after she pays your tuition, are you?” Jonathan hesitates for a moment, then

suddenly smiles and shifts into joke mode. “Do you have a wiretap on you or something? Are you Jaime’s little spy?”

You realize you can’t press Jonathan further without disclosing your long-term suspicions about his hidden self or forcing him to disclose something he obviously doesn’t want to discuss. At the same time, your loyalty to Jaime compels you to discover the truth about his motives.

YOUR TURN

Think about the interpersonal communication skills and insights you gained while reading this chapter. Work through the following five steps, which will give you practice making thoughtful interpersonal communication choices in your relationships. Remember, there is no one right answer, so think hard about what choice you will make!

● Step 1: Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings about Jonathan? Is your impression of him and his motives accurate, or could you be mistaken? Do you feel more loyal to Jonathan or to Jaime? What role should loyalty play in shaping your relationship choice?

● Step 2: Reflect on your partner. Put yourself in Jonathan’s shoes. What is he thinking and feeling about you? What is his perspective on Jaime’s tuition offer? Is his viewpoint legitimate?

● Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome. What’s the most constructive relationship outcome for you and Jonathan? Can you maintain your relationship with Jonathan and your loyalty to Jaime? Consider what’s best not only for you but for all those involved as well.

● Step 4: Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration your own thoughts and feelings, those of Jonathan, and all that has happened in this situation, what is keeping you from achieving the optimal outcome you defined in step 3?

● Step 5: Chart your course. What might you say to Jonathan to overcome the roadblocks and achieve your optimal relationship outcome?

HELPFUL CONCEPTS

Face and masks, 53–54

Maintaining face, 54–55

Recommendations for effective self-disclosure, 70

Skill

Practice the skill Steve mentions by focusing on his suggestions. Then write a one-page report, making reference to at least THREE concepts from the chapter.

CRITICAL SELF-REFLECTION

This exercise reveals the role of critical self-reflection in improving interpersonal communication.

➊ Recall an interaction that left you feeling bad about your self.

➋ Describe what happened.

➌ Answer the five critical self-reflection questions, focusing on what you could have thought, felt, and done differently to improve the situation.

➍ The next time you’re in a similar situation, apply your new insights as the situation unfolds. Be patient with yourself! Changing your communication takes enormous time, effort, and practice.

OVERCOMING NEGATIVE SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES

This exercise helps you overcome negative self-fulfilling prophecies.

➊ Identify a communication problem that happens repeatedly in your life.

➋ Describe a recent situation when this occurred, including what you thought, said, and did and the results.

➌ Critically self-reflect on the situation, identifying links between your thoughts and feelings and your behavior.

➍ Prevent the prophecy from recurring by blocking any negative links between your thoughts and feelings and your behavior.

MAINTAINING ONLINE FACE

This exercise helps you maintain your desired online face.

➊ Write a description of your desired online face.

➋ Critically compare your screen names, profiles, photos, and blogs with your description. Do they match?

➌ Revise or delete all materials that don’t match your desired face.

➍ Repeat this process for friends’ postings on your personal pages.

➎ In your future online communication—texting, e-mailing, and posting— present yourself only in ways that mesh with your desired face.