Relationship Problem

Follow Steve’s algorithm to answer all the questions posed. Please write at least ONE good paragraph in response to each stage in Steve’s plan, referring to at least ONE concept from the chapter in each.

DEALING WITH MIXED MESSAGES

BACKGROUND

Receiving mixed messages—when verbal and nonverbal communication clash—is a common dilemma

in relationships. To explore ways to deal with mixed messages, read the case study and work through

the steps that follow.

CASE STUDY

You met Dakota through a mutual friend, and you instantly bonded—same interests, same likes and dislikes, even the same major. You never tire of talking to Dakota—you two are constantly e-mailing, text messaging, or conversing on the phone. You’ve always considered Dakota physically attractive but never envisioned a romance. This is partly because you two are good friends, and because you both were involved with other people. Those other relationships have recently ended. But you still think of Dakota only as a friend.

Then things became confusing when you recently met Dakota for lunch. Dakota looked unusually nice—all dressed up. When you asked, “What’s the occasion?” you got an evasive response. Dakota kept leaning toward you, making extensive eye contact, smiling, touching your arm and leg (although at the time it seemed “accidental”), and even suggested you two take more classes together next semester. You’re pleased—until you tell your roommate about the lunch. Your roommate laughs and says, “Dakota is crushing on you!” Troubled, you send your friend an e-mail. The two of you have always been honest and open with each other (especially online), so you tell Dakota what your roommate said, and type “What’s up?” Dakota responds with a teasing, “As if I’d ever crush on you ☺!”

In the days that follow, you increasingly sense that Dakota wants a romantic involvement. Everything about your friend’s nonverbal communication suggests intimacy. But whenever you raise the issue, Dakota denies it, responding, “You’ve got an overactive imagination.” You start feeling confused and irked by the mixed messages. One day, going to Dakota’s apartment, you mull over the situation. Is Dakota romantically interested in you, or are you imagining things? Should you push your friend to “tell you the truth,” or has Dakota already communicated a clear message? Should you make a pass at Dakota just to see the response? Or just forget the whole matter? Arriving at your friend’s doorstep, you knock, and the door opens— revealing an attractively dressed Dakota. With a big smile, your friend says, “What’s up?” How do you respond?

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the concepts listed below.)

Step 1: Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? What attributions are you making about Dakota based on your friend’s interpersonal communication? Are your attributions accurate? Why or why not?

Step 2: Reflect on your partner. Using perspective-taking and empathic concern, put yourself in Dakota’s shoes. Consider how your friend is thinking and feeling, especially how Dakota likely feels about you and your relationship.

Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome. Think about all the information you have regarding Dakota and this relationship. Consider your own feelings as well as your friend’s. Given all these factors, what’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible here? Be sure to consider not just what’s best for you, but what’s best for Dakota as well.

Step 4: Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration your own thoughts and feelings, Dakota’s, and all that has happened, what’s preventing you from achieving the optimal outcome you identified in step 3?

Step 5: Chart your course. How will you communicate with Dakota to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal relationship outcome?

Skill

PRACTICING NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION ONLINE

This exercise helps you use nonverbal communication online to maintain a friendship.

➊ Identify a long-distance friend with whom you haven’t communicated recently.

➋ Think of a story or an update that you want to share with that friend.

➌ Compose a message explaining your story and then use nonverbal cues such as photos or video of yourself to enhance and clarify your message.

➍ Before sending, review your facial expressions, eye contact, body movement, voice, and appearance; make sure they communicate positively what you want to express.

➎ E-mail or post the footage, and see how your friend responds.

USING KINESICS TO COMMUNICATE IMMEDIACY

This exercise helps you use kinesics to communicate immediacy during interpersonal encounters.

➊ Initiate an encounter with someone whom you want to impress as an attentive and involved communicator (such as a new friend or a potential romantic partner).

➋ While talking, keep your facial expression pleasant. Don’t be afraid to smile!

➌ Make eye contact, especially while listening, but avoid prolonged staring.

➍ Directly face the person, keep your back straight, lean gently forward, and keep your arms open and relaxed (rather than crossing them across your chest).

➎ Use illustrators to enhance important descriptions, and regulators to control your exchange of turns.

PRESENTING YOURSELF EFFECTIVELY IN THE WORKPLACE

This exercise helps you nonverbally present yourself in an effective fashion in the workplace.

➊ Display a pleasant facial expression, make good eye contact, lean forward, and exhibit upright posture.

➋ Use a moderately resonant and breathy vocal tone, medium pitch and volume, and moderate speech rate.

➌ Adapt your use of proxemics to others’ needs for personal space, and respect their territory.

➍ Adjust your touching to match others’ preferences.

➎ Keep appointments or allow flexibility regarding punctuality.

➏ Ensure that your physical appearance and artifacts are appropriate, asking your coworkers’ and manager’s opinions if you’re uncertain.