VII. Dialogic Listening

(Michael’s Sound Bite 5-3): John Stewart, Carole Logan

1. Cooperate, do not Antagonize: In any dialog seek to find common things, themes and topics, something you can agree on; work from there by slowly adding new information, carefully paraphrasing and asking genuine questions;

2. Focus your Listening: - seek out ours not yours: it is very tempting to explore positions, but these are often inflexible. Instead, concentrate on your common interests in the situation; - wait before reacting: often we decide too fast; suspend your judgment and listen to the entire argument; write them down if necessary; paraphrase and question before reacting; avoid blaming questions; - make it clear that you are listening: turn toward the speaker, bend a little forward, do not cross your legs or arms, look your partner in the eye; - make nonverbal support gestures, try to look natural;

3. Encourage your partner to speak: - ask them to elaborate by asking open, non-judgmental, descriptive and informative questions; - avoid pseudo-questions; - practice mirroring to allow your partner to elaborate;

4. Help create solutions: - note points of agreement; - paraphrase and paraphrase plus to clarify; - give examples.

5. Prepare to Listen in Advance: - think the topic through; try to remember the sequence of arguments; practice delivery; ask questions and answer them; - remove all distractions; - study the topic thoroughly; - get ready to talk to a particular person; consider their preferred perception channel; - make sure your focus is not on what you say but on why your partner needs to listen to you; - examine and assess your listening behavior; make changes accordingly.

Practice

I. Opening Story: Starting the Discussion

A. Michael’s Instructions: While not obligatory for reading, the opening story in each chapter sets the mood for the rest of the reading. Stephen chooses stories that relate to several concepts in the chapter and talks about these concepts in general terms.

B. Read the opening story and identify three concepts from the chapter that characterize the communication process in the situation.

C. Then: (a) think of similar examples in your life, (b) remember the actions that the hero of the story, you, and other people around you took when they faced the situation; (c) think of the ways these actions influenced everyone involved; (d) suggest the ways which your naïve knowledge of communication offered you as remedies for whatever did not work in communication in that particular instance; (e) discuss how your scientific knowledge of communication changes your perception, and list three things that you would do now if you faced a similar situation in the future

D. An essay on the opening story can be used as an extra credit opportunity. If you would like to get more points, write a six-paragraph essay answering the questions above in good paragraphs (1 opening sentence, 2-3 main idea sentences, 1 summary and transition sentence). Make note that although this assignment is long and fairly difficult, you will be given only 10 points for it. The reason for it is that the extra credit points must be extra hard to get.

STORY OF MR. ROGERS

Fred McFeely Rogers began each day by swimming laps in a local pool. A nonsmoking, nondrinking vegetarian, he was happily married for close to 50 years and helped raise two sons. He also was the most awarded person in television history: two Peabody awards, numerous Emmys, two Lifetime Achievement Awards, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. But Rogers saw himself primarily as a minister who believed in the power of listening. From his perspective, the greatest communicative gift people could give was attentive silence that encouraged others to openly express their deepest emotions. Although he eventually would receive honorary degrees from more than 40 different institutions—including Yale, Carnegie Mellon, and Boston University—Rogers’s first degree was in music composition from Rollins College in Florida.

Rogers planned on entering the seminary after graduation but was sidetracked by the chance to help establish the first public television station, WQED in Pittsburgh. As he later explained, “I got into television because I hated it so, and I thought there’s some way of using this fabulous instrument to nurture those who would watch and listen” (Stimson, 1998). While working at the station, Rogers attended classes at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary. Ordained in 1963, he decided to minister to children and their families by creating Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, a TV program emphasizing affirmation, acceptance, and, most of all, listening. In Rogers’s words, “being a good listener is a vital part of ministry, especially ministry with children. . . . I cultivated my own listening skills in part by integrating silence into my life as a part of my daily spiritual discipline.” By providing children with an adult who would listen to their concerns, Rogers’s show helped youngsters express their emotions in healthy ways. During the Gulf War, for example, Rogers dedicated a series of episodes to parents and children with close relatives fighting in Desert Storm. He encouraged parents to discuss life and death openly with their children rather than lying to them or avoiding their questions.

Rogers’s renowned listening ability matched a talent for speaking powerfully in ways that made others listen. In the late 1960s, a congressional committee headed by notoriously gruff Senator John Pastore was considering halving public broadcasting’s funding. Rogers testified before the committee, describing the importance of providing children with a compassionate adult listener on television. After hearing Rogers’s testimony, Pastore remarked, “I’m supposed to be a pretty tough guy, but this is the first time I’ve had goose bumps in the last two days.” The committee then voted to approve full funding for public broadcasting.

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood became the longest-running show in television history. During a 33-year span, Rogers welcomed guests as diverse as the Harlem Boys Choir, chef Julia Child, and cellist Yo-Yo Ma. The show became so well known that it remains a cultural icon—many people still remember the opening song, the gentle lilt of Rogers’s voice, and his famous cardigan sweaters. Rogers was lampooned by everyone from comedian Eddie Murphy to the writers of the animated series Family Guy. But through it all, he remained committed to the central message of his subtle, nondenominational television ministry: listen to others and offer them love, respect, and kindness. Even after his death in 2003, the words he shared at the end of each episode still linger: “I’ll be back when the day is new, and I’ll have more ideas for you. And you’ll have things you’ll want to talk about. I will too.”