VII. Passion

1. Passion is a blended emotion of surprise, joy, excitement, amazement and sexual attraction. (a) Passion is provoked by people who communicate in ways we do not expect; (b) who we interpret positively; (c) whom we perceive as physically pleasant.

2. As passion stems from surprise, the longer and better you know someone, the less passion occurs.

3. Passion cannot be planned out or negotiated.

DISCUSSION STARTER 7: How has passion changed over time in your romantic relationships? Have these changes influenced your communication toward your partners? Is passion a necessary component of romance, or is it possible to have a romantic relationship without frequent passion?

D. Ask yourself: Ellen Berscheid: (Michael’s Sound Bite 4-3): (a) am I “only interested” or “fully committed”? (b) am I able to prioritize effectively; (c) am I able to create enough time? (d) am I able to compartmentalize life? (e) Am I believing in myself more than I should? http://anujmagazine.blogspot.com/2010/01/managing-multiple-passions-make-most-of.html

E. Excessive and overpowering passion is a psychological problem.

VIII. Grief

1. Brant Burleson: Grief is intense sadness that follows a substantial loss.

2. Grief management strategies include: (a) emotion sharing; (b) avoiding suppression, (c) getting supportive communication (emotional support, sympathy and condolence, concern and encouragement).

3. Try these alternative grief management tools: (Michael’s Sound Bite 4-4): (a) identify your feelings by writing a diary of what you are thinking; (b) accept your feelings by talking to people about it; (c) express your emotions freely, (d) don’t rush yourself and (e) do good things for yourself. http://www.webmd.com/balance/managing-your-feelings-of-grief

4. Deeply entrenched grief is a psychological problem.

Practice

I. Opening Story: Starting the Discussion

A. Michael’s Instructions: While not obligatory for reading, the opening story in each chapter sets the mood for the rest of the reading. Stephen chooses stories that relate to several concepts in the chapter and talks about these concepts in general terms.

B. Read the opening story and identify three concepts from the chapter that characterize the communication process in the situation.

C. Then: (a) think of similar examples in your life, (b) remember the actions that the hero of the story, you, and other people around you took when they faced the situation; (c) think of the ways these actions influenced everyone involved; (d) suggest the ways which your naïve knowledge of communication offered you as remedies for whatever did not work in communication in that particular instance; (e) discuss how your scientific knowledge of communication changes your perception, and list three things that you would do now if you faced a similar situation in the future

D. An essay on the opening story can be used as an extra credit opportunity. If you would like to get more points, write a six-paragraph essay answering the questions above in good paragraphs (1 opening sentence, 2-3 main idea sentences, 1 summary and transition sentence). Make note that although this assignment is long and fairly difficult, you will be given only 10 points for it. The reason for it is that the extra credit points must be extra hard to get.

SENSE AND SENSIBILITY STORY

Two teenage sisters, growing up in eighteenth-century England. One with “regular features and a remarkably pretty figure,” the other “more striking . . . her face so lovely that in the common cant of praise she was called a beautiful girl.”1 Two sisters, doomed to live parallel lives of emotional heartbreak. Two sisters, similar in many ways except one: their firm beliefs regarding how best

to manage life’s deepest joys, passions, and sorrows.

Published in 1811 (and reenacted in the 1995 movie), Jane Austen’s novel Sense and Sensibility tells the story of the Dashwood family, focusing on the romantic entanglements and resulting emotions of sisters Elinor and Marianne. United in family and friendship, the sisters are divided in their views on expressing emotion. Marianne believes that emotions should be openly vented; Elinor maintains they should be silenced (Ballaster, 1995).

Throughout the story, Elinor and Marianne clash over how emotion should be communicated in relationships. Elinor falls in love with Edward, an unassuming English gentleman. Knowing her family’s tendency to exaggeration, Elinor tempers her words carefully when sharing her feelings about Edward: “I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him—that I greatly esteem, that I like him.” Marianne is outraged by such tepid expression of romantic passion. “Esteem him! Like him! Cold-hearted Elinor! Use those words again and I will leave the room this moment.”

When Marianne falls for Willoughby, a dashingly handsome and equally ardent connoisseur of life’s passions, her expressions of love contrast sharply with Elinor’s cool reserve. Marianne’s uninhibited communication prompts Elinor to chide her, provoking Marianne to lash back: “I see what you mean. I have been open and sincere where I ought to have been reserved, spiritless, dull, and deceitful.”

In Marianne and Elinor, Austen gave human form to rival notions of emotion management in nineteenth-century British society. Marianne embodied “sensibility”: She experienced unmediated emotional reactions and communicated them uninhibitedly (Ballaster, 1995). In extreme form, sensibility is characterized by selfish wallowing in emotion to the exclusion of concern for others. The opposite of sensibility is “sense,” personified by Elinor. People who use this approach to emotion management perceive the surrounding world in a dispassionate fashion and suppress their emotions for the betterment of others (Ballaster, 1995).

In her novel, Austen pits Elinor’s sense against Marianne’s sensibility, demonstrating how these rival approaches lead the sisters to respond to similar events in contrasting ways. For example, when Marianne discovers that Willoughby is engaged, she explodes into hysterics and sinks into a deep depression. When Elinor finds out that Edward is betrothed, she suppresses her reaction so as not to worry her sisters and mother. Importantly, neither response yields particularly positive outcomes. Elinor suffers months of unspoken torment because of her sense, and Marianne falls gravely ill owing to her sensibility.

Two hundred years ago, Jane Austen used rival approaches to managing emotional experience and expression as narrative tools to divide fictional characters. Today, sense and sensibility continue to divide many of us from constructive relationship outcomes that would be attainable by managing our emotions differently. But we needn’t emulate Elinor or Marianne. Instead, we can learn to skillfully manage our emotions in ways that avoid extremes of sense and sensibility, improve our communication, and create satisfying interpersonal relationships.