Relationship Problem

Follow Steve’s algorithm to answer all the questions posed. Please write at least ONE good paragraph in response to each stage in Steve’s plan, referring to at least ONE concept from the chapter in each.

LISTENING WHEN YOU DO NOT WANT TO

BACKGROUND

Some of the most difficult listening situations you will face are those in which you feel obligated to listen to information that you find offensive or unethical. To learn how you might competently handle such a situation, read the case study and work through the five steps that follow.

CASE STUDY

You’ve been in a serious relationship with Taylor for several months. The two of you are well matched in beliefs, interests, values, and personalities. You love one another and are considering marriage. Taylor recently met your family, and everyone got along well. Your family is close, emotionally supportive, and ethnically diverse. Several of your siblings married people from different ethnic backgrounds, and many of your nieces and nephews have dual heritages. Now it’s your turn to meet Taylor’s family. Taylor warns you in advance, however, that “they’re a bit old-fashioned” when it comes to diversity. You interpret this to mean that they might be somewhat prejudiced, but you don’t expect it to be much of a problem.

Arriving at Taylor’s home, you receive a warm and hearty welcome. The family turns out to be very outgoing, open, and friendly. You like them immediately, and Taylor seems relieved that you’re all getting along so well. As the evening progresses, however, the conversation around the dinner table takes a disturbing turn. Taylor’s brother launches into a string of racist jokes that happen to target the same ethnic groups as your siblings’ spouses. Then others at the table begin sharing stories that disparage other races. For much of this conversation, you try to show that you’re listening, but you feel sick inside. Finally, you can’t take it anymore and politely excuse yourself to use the bathroom. Lingering in the hallway, you ponder your next move, when Taylor walks up and says, “I am so sorry. I know how offended and hurt you must be. Trust me, I feel the same way. But my brothers are teasing me about what’s taking you so long, and my mom just served dessert. I know she’ll be really hurt if you don’t come back and join us.”

As you stand there, competing impulses run through your mind. Do you protect your relationship with Taylor and maintain your positive image with the family by tolerating the racist storytelling? Do you pseudo-listen, merely playing the part of the active listener? Do you jeopardize your relationship with Taylor’s family by expressing your discomfort with the conversation? Or do you support your family by refusing to listen any further and leaving?

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far, especially in this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the concepts listed below.)

Step 1: Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? What attributions are you making about Taylor and Taylor’s family? Are your attributions accurate? Why or why not?

Step 2: Reflect on your partner. Using perspective-taking and empathic concern, put yourself in Taylor’s shoes. How is Taylor likely perceiving the dinner situation? How does Taylor feel about you and your relationship? Also consider Taylor’s family. What are their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of the dinner? Of you and your relationship with Taylor?

Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome. Think about all the information you have about Taylor and about this relationship. Consider your own feelings as well as those of everyone else involved in the situation. Given all these factors, what’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible here? Be sure to consider not just what’s best for you, but what’s best for Taylor and your two families as well.

Step 4: Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration everyone’s thoughts and feelings and what has happened, what’s preventing you from achieving the optimal outcome you identified in step 3?

Step 5: Chart your course. What will you say to Taylor and Taylor’s family to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal relationship outcome?

Skill

FOCUSING YOUR ATTENTION

This exercise helps you focus your attention during interpersonal encounters.

➊ Identify an important person to whom you find it difficult to listen.

➋ List factors—fatigue, time pressure—that impede your attention when you’re interacting with this person.

➌ Before your next encounter with the individual, address factors you can control.

➍ During the encounter, increase the person’s salience by reminding yourself of his or her importance to you.

➎ As the encounter unfolds, practice mental bracketing to stay focused on your partner’s communication.

RESPONDING EFFECTIVELY IN ONLINE ENCOUNTERS

This exercise helps you to respond effectively during online encounters.

➊ Identify an online interaction that’s important.

➋ During the exchange, provide your conversational partner with immediate, positive feedback to his or her messages, sending short responses like “I agree!” and attaching positive emoticons ☺.

➌ Check your understanding by paraphrasing your partner’s longer messages (“My read on your last message is . . .”).

➍ Seek clarification regarding messages you don’t understand (“I’m having trouble understanding— would you mind explaining that a bit more?”).

COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY WITH PEOPLE FROM OTHER CULTURES

This exercise helps you communicate with people from other cultures.

➊ Identify an encounter in which your conversational partner is from a different culture.

➋ Use a people-oriented listening style. While the person is speaking, provide positive feedback.

➌ Let the person know you’ve been paying attention by paraphrasing or seeking clarification.

➍ Express interest in the speaker’s feelings, opinions, and concerns and emphasize points of commonality.

➎ Gauge reactions to your responses, assessing the effectiveness of this style.