Marriage made in hell

Any day of the week you can find a multitude of announcements adver­tising the virtues of Rus­sian women: Home-loving, good cook, better looks, intelligent and good at raising children. Many lonely western men who find their women folk too butch, and of course those who can’t get laid abroad, promptly apply. Emails are duly exchanged and finally the strangers meet. The Western man sees a beautiful, feminine woman who he wants to ‘Roger,’ while the Rus­sian woman, who invariably speaks good English, or another European lang­uage, and wears styl­ish western clothes, might see a ticket to greener pastures.

As a couple they look pretty good together. The westerner thinks: “I can take her down the pub, she won’t look out of place, and hey, I’ve finally met my soul mate!”

They get together and before you can say ‘Jack-be-nimble’ a baby is on the way. After a shotgun wedding, they either live in Russia or over­seas. After a couple of years, maxi­mum, the marriage breaks down and divorce papers are stamped: “Incompatible.”

Both parties are equally to blame for this. “No! It’s not always like this,” I hear you cry. No, not always, but usually. The fact is that from birth both indivi­duals were raised in very different ways, fed very differ­ent diets (Big Macs ver­sus Porridge), educated by different ideologies, read different books (The Cat in the Hat versus War and Peace), watched very different TV programmes (Walt Disney/MTV versus ‘Goodnight Kids’). Add on top of that the differ­ent tra­di­tions, customs, values, ways of raising kids, hygiene rules (shoes on the carpet), the involvement of the Babushka, superstitions, etc, and you’ve got a real recipe for disaster.

I know many Europeans & Ameri­cans; Ricky, Chris, Vince, Grant, Nigel, Sea­mus, etc., who openly admit that their marriages are a sham. The trouble is Westerners and Russians look the same, so therefore we think we are the same! But before you start saying that Russians do not look like Westerners and have a dis­tinctive Slavic look, which many Russians do of course, think about the differences between Germans & Japanese, or English & Pakistanis. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems logi­cal that any one of these pairs would probably run into problems if they decided to get married. But if a Brit and a Russian get together that’s fine because they, as a couple, would look compatible, yeah?

Any differences can be ironed out, we think. She can speak English so I don’t need to learn Russian, She likes Blur and Oasis, drinks tea, wears Lacoste and eats boatloads of sushi. Not only that, she believes in “my” God too! But it’s always the Russian woman who has to take on board the new way of doing things, because it’s the “Right Way,” hey lads? Love conquers everything, yeah? Bullshit, I say. Come on guys, you know you only date Russian women who’ll speak to you in English, right? Most expats are sim­ply too damn lazy to learn Russian. For her part, however, I’m sure Russian women are getting a little weary of the old chat-up line, “I can help you with your English, honey.” Lads, you gotta take this on the chin. Speak Russian; it’s got bloody awful grammar I admit but you’ll get there and people will respect you too! You’ll meet real Russians. You can chat up the girl in your hairdresser’; you know the one who playfully fondles your ears when she washes you greasy, thinning hair. You can have chinwag with your neighbours and negotiate your bribe with the Old Bill. Enjoy your time in this splendid country but don’t take with you Russian bride. Russian women want a “Real Man” after all, not one who thinks it’s okay for men to marry each other! They don’t want a man who’ll change the baby’s nappy am stay home every day playing with the baby (I admit I loved to do that myself). They don’t want a man who spends more time than they do in the bathroom putting on moisturizer and hair gel. Yes, Russian women I, James Scott, would be happy to be your new spokesman!

James Scott

The Moscow News 12/06/2006