state while interacting with them. Emotional states determine how a person responds to a specific situation. If you can pinpoint their most common emotional state, you will be more successful at interacting and communicating with them. Understanding a person’s background will help determine their emotional state. For example, if Sally grew up taking care of her siblings, she might be prone to the Parent state.

In addition to the benefits of understanding somebody’s emotional state, understanding how emotional states interact can prove helpful in analyzing situations. Emotional states are often played off of each other. For example, if one person begins to take on the Parent role, the person they are interacting with may resort to the Child role. If the second person is strong enough to withstand the Parent person, they may be able to take on the Adult role and handle it smoothly.

Situations Explained

Parent to Child example: One person is standing tall with a snarl on their face. They have their hands resting on their hips and they say, “You’re doing it all wrong.”The second person is standing in front of the first, hands held together, with their head hanging low as they say, “Oops, I messed it all up.” This is a typical parent child communication that does not need to occur within the bounds of parent and child. This interaction could take place between coworkers, friends, adults, or two children.

Adult to Adult example: One adult standing relaxed, but assertive says, “It hurt my feelings when you were joking around with me yesterday. I thought you should know how I felt so we don’t have to have this experience in the future.” The other person is sitting relaxed with an understanding and slightly concerned face as they say “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I thought it was okay to joke like that, but I’ll make sure not to do it in the future.”

Complementary vs. Crossed Transactional Situations

All transactional situations will begin with a stimulus, or one person acknowledging or talking to another. The stimulus will almost always be followed by a response, the other person acknowledging the first. Each combination of transactional states will result in a different, individualized dynamic. There are two main categories for transactional situations. They can either be ‘crossed’ or ‘complementary.’ A crossed interaction refers to a situation where two individuals are responding in different states. The stimulus doesn’t

get the proper response and this ends with a lack in communication, conflict, or confusion. The second type of transactional situation is complementary. In a complementary interaction refers to both people having the same state and the stimulus prompts an appropriate response for that state. In other words, they are both coming at a situation from the same emotional stance, and are able to effectively communicate.

Situational Examples

Example One

Tom: ‘Have you walked the dog?’ Sarah: ‘Yes. I took her out earlier.’ To analyze; both Tom and Sarah are in the same emotional state of the Adult. Tom asks a firm question and Sarah responds positively and with the information he needed. This was a successful transaction

Example Two

Tom: ‘Have you walked the dog?’

Sarah: ‘No! It’s not my job to always take her out. Don’t blame me for it not getting done. It’s all your fault!’ To analyze; Tom asked Sarah a question in the Adult state. Sarah responded in the Child state and it started a conflict. The combination of these two states can result in miscommunications or sidetrack the main question.

Example Three

Tom: ‘Hey sweetie, did you take the dog out earlier? You know she loves when you do!’ Sarah: Smiling, ‘Yes, and I did a great job too!’ To analyze; Tom asked a question while maintaining the parent state. He expected Sarah to respond in the Child state. When Sarah responded in the Child state, their communication was effective. In this situation, Tom was actually an adult and Sarah was actually a child.

Example Four

Tom: ‘Babe, did you take the dog out? She loves when you do, you’re do good at it!’ Sarah: ‘No, and you’re not going to persuade me to do it by talking to me like that. Nice try. But next time just ask me to do it.’ To analyze; Tom spoke to Sarah in a manner that is more appropriate for Parent to Child. Since Sarah is an adult in this situation, she was offended by the way he spoke, but she managed to keep her composure in the Adult state.

Real Life Application

Can you determine the state you spend the most time in? Think of a recent situation you had that lasted at least a few minutes and try to figure out what emotional state you were in and what state the other people involved were in.

Putting Theory to Use

Understanding your emotional state, and the states of others around you can have a profound impact on the communications you have. With your recent situation in mind, try and think about the patterns in your communication. Is it clear that you seem to fall into one state more than another? Does the other person seem to fall into one state as well? What states are they? How do they interact? It is preferable to spend most of our communications in the Adult state, as it is easier to communicate effectively and politely. If you have found that you are involved in a great deal of conflict, analyze the state you are in during these conflicts. Could it be that you tens to resort to the Parent stage while talking to other adults? Or do you easily have problems effectively communicating with others because you fall into the Child state and can’t convey your thoughts and emotions well? If you seem to have crossed transactions, dissect those situations and try to adjust your state for the next time you communicate with another person. By learning the states, you can learn how you should communicate with others. It may not always be easy, you may have to adjust your inner emotions and really structure your conversation, but it will result in more effective communication.

If you have found that another person seems to have a difficult time with conversation or conflict, and you are close to this person, it may be worth your time to explain transactional analysis to them and how it works. When doing this, it is crucial to avoid falling into the Parent state. Remain in the Adult state and calmly rationalize how the other person’s state may be interfering with cohesive communication. Remember to take responsibility for your behavior in the communication as well. Explain this theory as curious or new information, something interesting.

Understanding transactional analysis can have a tremendous effect on your communication at work as well. In these situations it will probably not benefit you to explain the theory to others, but it will benefit you to understand what states people fall into and how to communicate effectively in those states. You may find that you often speak in the Parent state and that others have a hard time

with the way you treat them. You may want to adjust this so your coworkers or employees don’t take it as you treating them like a Child. Being perceptive towards transactional analysis will help you get your point across in a clear, concise, polite manner.

The Importance of Scripts

Transactional analysis is closely related to the formation of our ego states as a child. Essentially, when we are young we develop patterns that are presented in our social interactions. As we grow up, many of these patterns stick with us and form our communication patterns. It’s almost as if we are taught how to act in situations from a young age and stick with it throughout our lives. Some of our patterns will be positive and help us grow and communicate, and some will hinder us from succeeding in communication. If you find a problem and wish to change your script, you must first analyze yourself and your actions. You can mold a new path with your ego states, but it takes time and effort.

Case Study — Claire

Claire was born into a struggling family. She had many siblings and her parents were mostly absent. She helped to raise her siblings and took on many parent responsibilities. When she was 10, she and her siblings were all taken into state custody and raised in separate foster homes. In order to survive, Claire had to act as an Adult in many situations. When she needed something or had to take care of herself, she was able to. She was often seen as rude to her friends when she talked about her life and all the responsibilities she had. She spoke to them from a Parent-Child perspective, belittling her friends. It was hard to socialize and interact with peers because of the disrupt in her childhood ego states. She was forced to take on this role when she was too young and often carried it over into her social interactions. Unfortunately, her lack of attention as a kid led her to disruptive behaviors at school. She was often displaying attention-seeking behaviors in class and acting like a class clown. Her need for attention displayed itself in a Child ego. She often found herself in trouble at school and felt like an outsider.

As she got older, Claire wanted to form better relationships and hopefully score a job. She knew that her behavior would have to change in order for her to be successful. She rented books from the library about transactional analysis and ego-states, and set forth on a mission to better herself. When she recognized that her Adult state was unable to properly form because of her Parent-Child