The Paranoid Pantomime Rule

That last bit might sound silly, or even clinically paranoid, but I actually learnt something from all my wimpish hovering in the vicinity of likely queues, which is that the English do notice when someone is considering jumping a queue. They start glancing at you sideways, through narrowed, suspicious eyes. Then they shuffle a bit closer to the person in front of them, just in case you might try to insert yourself in the gap. They adopt a more belligerent, territorial posture – putting a hand on a hip, ‘squaring up’ to the potential threat, or ostentatiously turning a shoulder away from you. The body language is quite subtle – perhaps not even visible to a foreigner unaccustomed to our ways – but to an English would-be queue-jumper the non-verbal message is clear: it says ‘We know what you’re thinking, you cheating little fiend, but don’t imagine you’re going to get away with it because we’re onto you’.

It is important to note that this kind of paranoid pantomime only occurs when there is some ambiguity in the structure of the queue. No-one would even think of simply barging to the front of a single, straightforward, obvious queue. (This is so unthinkable that if it does happen, people will assume that it is a genuine dire emergency, or perhaps an ignorant foreigner.) The potential for queue-jumping only arises when there is some doubt about exactly where the queue starts and ends – when there is a break or gap in a queue due to some obstruction or to allow people to pass through, for example, or when two people are serving behind the same counter and it is not entirely clear whether there is one queue or two separate queues, or some other element of confusion or uncertainty.

The English have an acute sense of fairness, and what in other cultures would be seen as entirely legitimate opportunistic behaviour – such as heading directly for the ‘free’ cashier when there are two people already waiting to be served in front of the cashier alongside, who have simply not been quick enough to move across – is here regarded as queue-jumping, or tantamount to queue-jumping. I am not saying that English people do not perform this manoeuvre: they do, but it is obvious from their self-consciously disingenuous manner, particularly the way they carefully avoid looking at the queuers, that they know they are cheating, and the reactions of the queuers indicate that such behaviour is severely frowned upon. You can tell by the severe frowns.

Body-language and Muttering Rules

But frowns, glares, raised eyebrows and contemptuous looks – accompanied by heavy sighs, pointed coughs, scornful snorts, tutting and muttering (‘Well, really!’ ‘Bloody hell!’ ‘Huh, typical.’ ‘What the . . .’) – are usually the worst that you will be subjected to if you jump a queue. The queuers are hoping to shame you into retreating to the back of the queue, without actually having to break the denial rule and ‘cause a scene’ or ‘make a fuss’ or ‘draw attention to themselves’ by addressing you directly.

Ironically, they will often in these circumstances break the denial rule by addressing each other. A queue jumper can prompt complete strangers to exchange raised eyebrows, eye-rolls, pursed-lipped head-shakes, tutts, sighs and even (quiet) verbal comments. These verbal exchanges between queuers include the standard mutters mentioned above, and some that clearly ought to be addressed to the jumper, such as ‘Hello, there’s a queue here!’, ‘Oh, don’t mind us!’ and ‘Oi, are we invisible or what?’ Occasionally, some brave souls will make these remarks in tones loud enough for the jumper to overhear, but they will avoid looking at the jumper, and glance away immediately if they should happen inadvertently to make eye contact.

Feeble and utterly irrational as they may sound, these indirect measures can often be remarkably effective. Yes, it is probably easier to get away with queue-jumping in England than anywhere else, but only if you can bear the humiliation of all those eyebrows, coughs, tutts and mutters – in other words, only if you are not English. In my endless queue-watching, I noticed that many foreigners are simply oblivious to all of these signals, much to the mute fury of English queuers, but that most English queue-jumpers find it hard to ignore the barrage of sighs and scowls. Having jumped the queue, they may brazen it out, but one gets the impression that they will think twice about doing it again. In many cases, queue-jumping is effectively ‘nipped in the bud’ by nonverbal signals alone. I have often seen would-be jumpers start to approach, and then, faced with a scornful eyebrow or two, a warning cough and a bit of territorial posturing, rapidly think better of it and retreat meekly to the back of the queue.

Sometimes, a muttered remark, loud enough to overhear but not actually addressed to the queue-jumper, can also have the desired effect, even at a much later stage in the attempted queue-jump. In these cases, I found the behaviour and reactions of both parties fascinating to watch. The queuer mutters (to his or her neighbour, or to no-one in particular) ‘Oh, don’t mind me!’ – or some other sarcastic jibe. The jumper, feigning wide-eyed innocence, says something like ‘Oh, sorry! Were you in front of me?’ and immediately moves aside to give his or her place to the mutterer. Now the tables are turned, and it is the mutterer who is blushing, squirming and avoiding eye contact – the degree of discomfort usually being in proportion to the unpleasantness of the original muttered jibe, which has now been re-cast as an unwarranted or at least excessively rude response to an honest mistake. The mutterer will usually resume his or her rightful place in the queue, but with bowed head and mumbled thanks or apology – clearly deriving no pleasure or sense of triumph from the victory. In some cases, I have even seen such humbled mutterers backtrack completely, saying, ‘Oh, er, no, that’s all right, you go ahead.’