In a gruff voice, Dez said, "How do you know she loves me? That's not in the report!"

Marie smiled. "No, that's not. But how do you know if she loves you - or not?" Dez was at a loss for words. She looked down at her hands, both of which were gripped in fists. "It's time to take some chances, check things out. You need to find out who your real friends are. Meet with Officer Savage. Meet with your landlady. Meet with family members. Start talking about what you've been going through. And I would like to see you decide to join a PTSD group - all law enforcement type attendees, of course." Dez drew in a deep breath, and she must have looked alarmed because Marie said, "You don't have to do it all today. Take one baby step, then come back and talk about it. Then take another step on another day. But a lot of baby steps will add up over time. Even if you have some failures, you are sure to have some successes, too."

Dez narrowed her eyes and scowled. How could Marie know that for sure? With her luck, she'd go talk to any one of those people, share her real, true feelings, then find herself rejected. She crossed her arms and blurted out, "What if I refuse?"

Marie bit back a smile. "You can do anything you want. You should know that by now, Dez. But whether you choose to seek out connections or not, I do have one piece of news for you. After another couple of sessions, I am certifying you ready for duty again."

Dez knew her mouth dropped open in shock, so she shut it quickly and looked down. "But it's been less than four weeks. I thought I was considered nuts and dangerous?"

Marie laughed out loud at that, and to her chagrin, Dez found herself smiling.

The therapist set her sloshing coffee cup on the table in front of her. "You've never been nuts. You needed to understand what was happening to you - that was all. Remember: PTSD is a normal neurological response to an abnormal event. Once you fully understood that your brain was looping through the unresolved losses of Ryan and your dad, you have been able to begin to examine those losses and start dealing with the grief. You're doing very well, Dez, and you're nearly ready to go back to work."

"I can't believe they'd let me back on patrol."

"Well," Marie hesitated. "Actually, you'll need to transition back to that. I think you'll be on desk duty for a little while at first."

Dez sighed and rolled her eyes, but she uncrossed her arms. She realized that she would be happy to go back to work - even on light duty - and that surprised her. "When?"

"I'd like to see you at least a couple more times, talk about some of the workplace issues, but then you'll be ready, so how about after New Year's?"

Dez gulped and nodded. "Okay."

"In the meantime, how about trying the other thing I suggested?" When Dez didn't answer, she went on. "Making connections, I mean. Sharing just a little with people you know and care about. Trying to-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get your meaning, Marie." She knew she sounded cranky and abrupt, but she didn't care.

"I'll see you again the day after Christmas. Try one connection, why don't you?"

Dez slowly shook her head in disbelief. This woman was as bad as Jaylynn - absolutely unrelenting. She couldn't even believe it, but she found herself assenting.

Fifteen minutes later, she was sitting three houses down from the house on Como Boulevard. Off to her left, patches of ice on Como Lake sparkled despite the new fallen snow clumped up here and there. It wouldn't be long before the entire lake was iced over. A movement caught her eye and she saw a woman down the slope. She was bundled up in windpants, a heavy coat, and an Elmer Fudd-type earflap cap, and she pushed a bright yellow stroller along the walking path. As Dez watched their progress, a five-foot long icicle fell from the tree right across the street from her and broke into a multitude of pieces on the hard ground.

She sat in the truck for several more minutes gazing out at the brightness of the winter wonderland glistening around her before she gathered up her courage and pulled the truck forward to come to rest in front of Jaylynn's house. She put it in park, but left it running, the heater on low. She got out and moved swiftly up the walk to ring the bell. She waited for what felt like an eternity, then decided no one was home. She turned to leave and had taken only one step when the door flew open. Startled, she spun around to see Tim through the screen. His red hair was tousled as though he had just awakened. He stood shivering in baggy gray sweat bottoms and a white t-shirt. With arms crossed, she could see the goosebumps on his forearms.

"What do you want?"

"I was looking for - for Jaylynn," she stammered.

"She's not home," he said in an angry voice.

"Can you tell me when she'll be back?"

"No."

An uneasy feeling began to flood through Dez. "What do you mean, 'No'? Will she be back after work or what?"

"She's not at work. She's gone."

Dez felt a stab of alarm. "Gone? What do you mean?"

"I mean she's out of town."

Dez didn't understand his anger. In a polite voice she said, "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry if I did."

"You've got more than that to be sorry about."

He glared out at her, and she found her own anger and pride rising to the surface. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Running a hand through his shiny red hair, he spat out his answer. "Why should I tell you a damn thing? First you break her heart, then what? You showing up now to rub it in?"

She felt like she'd been hit upside the head and wasn't seeing or hearing clearly. "What? What do you mean?"

"Right. Go ahead and play dumb. You've been using her all along, haven't you?" More emphatically he said, "I told her I'd like to kick your ass - and I would - but I'm not a violent man."

Dez was shook up, but she had the presence of mind to stand in there and ask more questions. "What in the hell are you talking about, Tim? Really... tell me. I don't understand."

"Love 'em and leave 'em - is that how you operate?"

"Tim, you know me. That's not - I don't - Tim, this doesn't make any sense!"

"Well, why don't you explain how you could walk out on her - just disappear off the face of the earth? You've broken her heart - that's what you've done. And dammit! That's more than you deserve to know." He started to close the inner door.

"NO! Tim, wait!" She rushed the stairs, grabbed the screen handle, and wrenched the flimsy door open. His face looked out at her, alarmed. "Please. Just tell me. Did she go to her parents' in Seattle or what?"

He leaned back, his eyes wide. After a moment's pause, he nodded, then looked away, his knuckles white on the edge of the interior door. When he looked back, he studied her face for a moment. "She's a good person, Dez, one of the best and brightest I'll ever know. You better not hurt her any more."

With a growing lump in her throat, Dez nodded, then choked out a reply. "I know."

"She flies in on Christmas night. You can see her then."

"You'll tell her I came by?"

His eyes narrowed, and he took five full seconds to study her. "What I should do is take all your shit from her room and throw it out on the lawn - and don't think that hasn't occurred to me!" Then he sighed. "I'll tell her though. She's a big girl. She can decide what she wants for herself."

"What time does she get in?'

He rolled his eyes and gave a big sigh. "Couple minutes after ten. I still can't believe I'm telling you all this." He crossed his arms, shivering in his thin t-shirt, then shut the door with a soft click, and she let the screen door close. Back down the stairs she went to her truck, shaken and trembling. She was glad she had left the heat on. It soothed her frazzled nerves as she sat there for a few moments until she calmed down. So much for her first attempt at making "connections". Next time she'd pick someone more benign - maybe someone at a fast food window or the drugstore counter... or the psych ward.

She smiled grimly. I made it through my first negative connection and lived to tell the tale. It's a baby step all right. I am sure Marie will be quite entertained. She pulled away from the curb and headed down the road toward her apartment, trying to avoid the rising panic. Did Jaylynn want to see her or not? I broke her heart? What about mine? She's the one who sent me away!

Pulling into the garage behind the house, she locked up and made her way into her apartment. It smelled funny - stale and musty. She hadn't spent the night there for so long, and since the heat was down to 60, it was chilly. She went to the thermostat and cranked the heat to 70, then went in to run a bath. Some time spent in a hot, steamy Jacuzzi would do her good.

PART EIGHT

The Sunday before Christmas, at a quarter after nine, Dez was on the way over to the other side of the lake. She looked through the windshield at a dull and wintry day, the sky a gun-metal gray. Heavy, ominous clouds crouched overhead, threatening to disgorge tons of snow at any moment. Despite the weather, she was happy to be heading over to see her two favorite 70-something-year-olds. When the phone rang at nine at her apartment the night before, she almost hadn’t answered it. But she’d been glad she picked up when she heard Luella’s voice in the receiver.

"Dez! I am so glad to reach you. Where have you been?"

She didn’t say anything right away. "Well, I’ve kind of been around, Luella."

"Jaylynn keeps telling me to get an answering machine, and I guess you should, too. I’ve called and called, hoping to catch you."

"Things are starting to settle down now."

"That’s good. I’ve missed you."

"How’s Van?"

"Oh, much better. Cranky some days, but improving."

"I am very glad to hear that. I’d like to come visit - soon, okay?"

"Yes, but Dez honey, I’m calling to ask a favor. It’s just fine if it doesn’t work out. This is late notice, I know."

Luella wanted Dez to drive her and Vanita to church the next day at ten a.m. Dez had heard her say something about ducks, but she figured she had misunderstood. She learned that, except for doctor appointments, Vanita hadn’t been out of the house since her heart attack, and Luella said her sister was very much missing attending worship services. Dez agreed to drive them, though she hadn’t much felt like going to church when they talked. She hadn’t been to a Baptist service with Luella for quite some time, though, and today she found, to her surprise, that she didn’t think she would mind going after all.

She pulled into the driveway at Vanita’s house. The curtains in the front window slid open, and then Luella’s smiling figure stood looking out the window and waving. Dez couldn’t help but smile back. It had been far too long since she had seen Luella.

She got out of the truck, yawning as her landlady disappeared from the window. The tall cop hadn’t slept well the night before, which was nothing new. Strolling around the side of the house, she went toward the back door where Luella was waiting, leaning out as she held onto the door handle. Dez took the stairs two at a time and stood looking down at Luella, who, even though she stood one step higher than Dez, was still half a head shorter than the dark-haired woman.

"Hey honey, I am so glad to see you." Luella grabbed an arm and pulled the tall woman into the house. They stood in the alcove right outside the kitchen and hugged. "I’ve missed you."

Why does Luella seem shorter? And smaller? Dez stepped back, a frown on her face. "You’ve lost weight," she said in an accusing voice.

The older woman grinned and nodded, then took the big woman’s hand and pulled her into the kitchen. "Thought you’d be pleased about that, Miss Granola Queen. I went on the same daily diet that the doctor put Vanita on. Didn’t seem fair that I was still eating pastries and fried chicken and pie when she was on a low-fat, low-cal sort of deal."

She shut the kitchen door behind them. Dez took a deep breath and filled her lungs with the smell of cinnamon and coffee and something else, something indefinable that spoke of comfort and peace and Luella. She looked down into the dark brown eyes, saw a question on her landlady’s face, and looked away, instead gesturing toward the living room. "Where’s Vanita?"

"She fell asleep in the living room. We don’t have to leave for another few minutes, so I thought I’d let her sleep."

Just then they heard a spirited, "Hey!" As they moved toward the living room, Vanita called out, "Y’all better not be in there talking about me. I may be old, but I’ve got good ears."

Vanita, too, had dropped weight, especially in her face, but otherwise she looked like the same feisty old cuss she’d always been, only smaller. She sat burrowed in the easy chair, a multi-colored afghan draped over her lap and legs.

"Hey, Van, how’s tricks?" Dez leaned down and placed a kiss on the old woman’s forehead.

"Still alive and kickin’, even though I’m bionic now with this pacemaker."

Dez smiled. "This is unusual. You’re both in slacks." Dez rarely remembered seeing either of them wear slacks, and certainly not both of them at once. Luella wore pale purple knit pants, large tan Hush Puppy shoes, and a pink and purple flowered sweater over an off-white blouse with a huge collar. What she could see of Vanita sticking out from under the afghan showed black slacks and the same kind of shoes.

"Today we’re dressed for warmth, not with our usual elegance and beauty." Luella grinned, her white teeth sparkling in the early morning light.

"What’s the plan, then?" Dez said.

Luella reached down and peeled the afghan off Vanita’s lap and tossed it on the nearby couch. "We’d like to take Vanita’s car because it’d be easier to get her in and out of. You want to go pull it out of the garage? I’ll get my big sister ready to go. Keys are on the table in the front hall."

Dez nodded with relief. The thought of trying to pack either of them into her Ford truck had already crossed her mind, and it hadn’t been a pleasant prospect. She went out, moved the truck to one side of the driveway, and opened up the little one car garage. She wondered how Vanita had ever parked the huge sea green Chrysler. The opening to the garage was, at most, six inches wider than the car, and the garage itself was so short that the front bumper touched the back wall, leaving perhaps a foot of room at the front of the garage. Inside, she calculated that there was - maybe - two feet of room on either side of the oversized automobile.

She squeezed around to the driver’s side and opened the heavy door, then paused. There was no way she could squeeze in. To top it off, Vanita the Midget had obviously been the last person to drive the Chrysler because the seat was up as close to the dash as it would go. Too bad it’s not a convertible, she thought. At least I could have gotten in by leaping.

She pushed the door open until it was pressed against the garage wall, then leaned in and rolled down the window using the old-fashioned metal crank. With the window down, she was able to get a leg in, jackknife over the door, and worm her way backwards into the car. On hands and knees, with her right side wedged up against the steering wheel, she felt under the seat until she found the lever to slide the seat back. Bracing her right foot on the floor, she pulled the lever and the entire front seat jerked back a good foot. She exhaled, got her legs out in front of her, and shut the door, relieved of the claustrophobia she had felt. Taking the keys from her coat pocket, she settled in behind the wheel and started up the car. In the rearview mirror, a giant cloud of exhaust puffed from the back of the car. It smelled pungent, like road construction, and she had a hunch it was time for some maintenance on the clunky tank. As she rolled up the window, she wondered how old it was - certainly late Sixties. It didn’t have fins though, so that was one thing in its favor.

Keeping an eye in the side mirror, she backed out, three inches to spare on the sides, and rolled into the street and all the way out to the sidewalk leading up to the front door. She let the big green monstrosity idle and went into the house to help the two women.

Despite being two years older, Vanita had always been a couple inches shorter than Luella. Now she seemed to be half a foot shorter. She moved with effort, as though she didn’t quite trust her legs to hold her up. Luella, solid and sturdy, helped her sister into a gigantic, puffy tan coat. Dez stood to the side, waiting and wondering how Vanita would ever make it up all the stairs into the church. She didn’t recall ever seeing a side door - though there was a back door - but if they entered through the back, that just meant they’d have to go up the stairs on the inside of the church. If worse came to worst, she thought she might be able to carry Vanita. The old woman looked like she weighed all of about 100 pounds now.

With an arm firmly gripped by Luella and Dez, Vanita descended the six front stairs, and got settled into the front seat of the car. The dark-haired woman jogged back to the house. At the top of the stairs sat Vanita’s purse with two fluffy blankets folded next to it. She tucked the blankets under one arm and grabbed the handle to the large purse. Her finger - now splintless - gave a little twinge of stiffness, but it didn’t hurt despite the fact that the purse was heavy. She returned to the smoking green car as Luella climbed into the back seat and accepted the blankets Dez handed her.