- •Harriet evans ))))))
- •If you close your eyes, perhaps you can still see them. As they were that sundrenched afternoon, the day everything changed.
- •Part one February 2009
- •I nod instead. 'Of course,' I say. 'Have you booked a cabin?'
- •I blink, trying to take it in. 'So?'
- •I can't answer this, as I know she's right, but I can't agree with her without hurting her feelings. 'I just don't know, Mum,' I say. 'I look at our life together and I—'
- •Frances Seymour
- •I'm going to scream. I'm going to scream. Yes, I am.
- •I don't care about their damn c/othes.
- •If Louisa was surprised at this sudden confidence from her brother, she didn't show it. 'She is rather a funny old thing, isn't she,' she said casually. 'What do you mean exactly?'
- •Into the silence that followed this statement came Mary. 'Now, does anyone want some more coffee?' she said, wiping her hands on her apron. 'Eggs? Frank, how about you?'
- •91All right,' she said.
- •It came to an end for them not long afterwards. The following day, Saturday, was hot and muggy, and over the next few days the winds seemed to drop as the temperature increased.
- •Part three February 2009
- •I take the pages out from my skirt and look at them, wondering what comes next.
- •I am not in the mood for her amateur dramatics, her sighing and hair tossing. 'I had my reasons,' I say. 'I told you that. I'm sorry if you feel left out.'
- •I remember how angry she was with him in the kitchen, just before I left last night. Only twenty-four hours ago. 'Why not? He seemed quite nice. As if he knew what he was talking about.'
- •I am completely absorbed by the conversation and her voice in my ear, but the noise, someone calling my name, somewhere nearby, makes me jerk upright and I remember. I didn't close the door.
- •I nod. 'Sorry. I needed to get out. You were still asleep.' Oli touches my hand. 'Look,' he says. 'You can't just run away again. We need to talk about this.'
- •I can't believe she feels guilty about it. 'Louisa, you've been amazing,' I say, and it's true. 'Please! What are you talking about?'
- •I'd forgotten; she told me that awful day at Arthur's, that she wasn't working with him any more. I should have remembered. I just haven't seen them. I blush. 'Of course, sorry.'
- •I unfurl my legs, stiff and aching from the cold and from being in the same position for so long. I roll my head slowly around my neck, and it crunches satisfyingly.
- •I ask just one more question. 'You don't know where she is, though?' 'No,' he says. 'As I said, she'll be back.'
- •The frances seymour foundation
- •I laugh: Ben is really funny. Then there's an awkward silence, in amongst the noise and chatter of the pub. I start picking at a beer mat.
- •I nod emphatically. 'Sure.'
- •I don't know how to respond to such honesty, and the silence is rather uncomfortable. After a few moments, Guy recalls himself.
- •I don't say anything. 'Natasha, you don't know what it's like to lose a sibling,' he says.
- •It is V hot in Dad's study. I remember that even in winter & today in the heat it was baking. Me: No.
- •Part four March 2009
- •I stare at him, unsure of what to say next - so, is it normal between us now? Is that it?
- •I don't expect him to remember. 'Cecily's diary?' he says immediately. 'I've been wondering about that. Did your mum have it?'
- •I touched her shoulder. 'Cathy - it's Oli,' I said. 'Look - over there. He's - I'm sorry. I just, I just want to get out of here.'
- •I want to say, I don't bloody care about bloody Fez! What the hell are you talking about! I want to know about the diary, about you, about what you think of all of this! Jesus! h! Christ!
- •I must be imagining it, but it seems his tone is softer, kinder, for a moment, and the parent he could have been is apparent for a split second.
- •I say softly, 'How could you ever forgive Granny, Arvind? I mean - did you know?' He is silent, for so long that I think perhaps he hasn't heard me.
- •I see Mum taking in her out-of-breath cousin, in her slightly too-sheer white kaftan, red shining face, floral skirt and fluffy blonde hair.
- •I lean forward and give her a big hug. 'Thank you for everything you did today,' I say. 'Well, everything. You should come into town some time. Come and see me.'
- •I was starving, but now I have no appetite at all. 'No, thanks. Can I have a coffee?' I say.
- •If I can do this right now.'
- •I blink; it still sounds so strange. 'You didn't have any idea? I mean - you knew you'd slept with her, Guy, didn't you? Are you trying to say she drugged you?'
- •I smile, because he's totally right, and it's so strange that he knows this. Knows her as well as he does. I prop my elbows up on the table, my chin in my hands, listening intently.
- •I let his fingers rest on mine, feeling his warm dry hand, his flesh, and I stare at him again in
- •I shake my head, overwhelmed all of a sudden. I don't know what to say and I am very tired. 'I'm
- •I nod. 'He's lovely.'
- •I take a deep breath. I'm feeling completely light-headed, with the running, the sunshine, the events of the last hour.
I can't believe she feels guilty about it. 'Louisa, you've been amazing,' I say, and it's true. 'Please! What are you talking about?'
'Not everyone feels that way,' she says. 'I've been accused of - well, it doesn't matter.'
'Do you mean Mum?' I say reluctantly, though this could easily apply to me, too.
'I'm afraid I do,' Louisa's voice hardens. I wish I'd never asked. 'I suppose there's no need to keep up a pretence at civility, now your grandmother's dead. She's made that quite clear, anyway.'
'Oh, I'm sure she doesn't mean it,' I say desperately. 'She's very grateful, I'm sure.'
'Natasha -' she starts. 'Your mother—'
'Yes?' I say.
'Well . . . she's a complicated person. OK?'
'I know that,' I say carefully. 'She always has been.'
'Yes, but—' She stops. 'Never mind. There's no point.' Tell Octavia that, I want to say. I know what you're getting at. It's too late.
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'Well,I'm very grateful to you, anyway,' I say instead. 'I don't know what we'd do without you.' 'It's my pleasure,' Louisa says simply. 'I'd have done anything for Franty. She knew that. I loved her very much.'
After I've said goodbye to Louisa I feel reassured somehow. At the very least, Arvind is all right. My mother is unpredictable, and I never know how she's going to react to certain situations. It's true, often those situations were connected with Summercove or the people there. When we were going, when we were leaving, who was going to be there, how long she'd stay. It's only now I remember that I said I'd go round for supper with her next week. I don't quite know what I'll say to her when I see her. About anything, really.
I make some tea, and I get into bed. It's cold. I hug the same cushion against me for warmth and comfort, and I take out a pen and write a list.
1. Get a solicitor? - Ask Cathy. File for divorce??
Flat. Mortgage? Move out?
Trade fair. x3 applications to diff. ones by end of week.
Call/visit x10 shops by end of week.
Jay: update website?
Fatigue gives me a curious focus and it's easy to write these things down. Closing my eyes briefly, I think about what else I need to sort out. I write:
6. Mum.
7. Find diary.
But I don't really know what to do about those two. I put the list by my table, so it's the first thing I see in the morning, and turn off the light. I sleep. I sleep for ten long hours, a heavy, velvety sleep, where nothing and no one troubles me, no dreams come to me, and when I wake up the next day and blearily blink at the dark room, I realise how tired I'd been. I feel new, different. I pull back the curtains, it's another grey day in London. But it's not so bad, maybe.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
It has been such a long winter, it's sometimes felt as though it'd never end, but finally spring seems to be
arriving. That cutting chill in the air that turns your hands red and numb and stings your face has gone,
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and though it's still cold there is something in the air, a sense of something new.
It's a cliché, therefore, to talk about new beginnings, especially as they don't feel very new, but by the time a couple of weeks have passed and March is well under way, things are already different. Outwardly, nothing much has changed: I am still alone in the flat, not really sure what comes next. But there's a difference this time. I keep making lists, and it helps. I've realised I have to keep myself busy, not just for my sanity, but for my business. As well as checking the post obsessively - no more ignoring letters from the bank - I have a filing system at the studio, where I carefully document every last piece of expenditure, and I like it; I feel virtuous, glad to be in control of this, at the very least.
I haven't been in the studio much. I've been out meeting people, having coffee with PRs for free advice, dropping in on old friends, fellow jewellers, designers and people from round here who can help me, listening out for new shops and new shows that might help me. More green shoots. A company in China has been putting in a few orders with my friends, five-hundred-a-time T-shirts and hairbands, they might do the same for me one day, just with one necklace or bracelet and then I'm off again, and it'll be all hands on deck. Liberty have been scouting around for some new, edgy designers, so I hear. A couple of shops are looking for different stock, and I've been visiting them, leaving my card, dropping back the next day with a stock list and some photos. Even though I'd rather be curled up in bed, or slouched on the sofa in baggy trousers and four jumpers, I always choose my outfits with care, put on heels and blow-dry my hair, press my cardigan and skirt so I look neat and fresh. I'm asking these people to buy into me, as well as the jewellery I make. It's sometimes hard to have a smile and seem enthusiastic, but I just keep telling myself if I act as though it's a new start, perhaps it'll feel like that, after a while.
A week after that fateful morning at Arthur's, I pop into the studio after walking back from Clerkenwell, where I've had a meeting with a woman who sells vintage and new jewel-lery. I've been walking everywhere lately, my shoes in a cloth bag in my satchel. I kick off my wet, muddy trainers and lean against the counter, going through my emails. In amongst the spam and the special deals from wholesalers there's an email from Nigel Whethers, the solicitor Cathy put me in touch with.
Further to our telephone conversation, I would be happy to meet with you to discuss your filing for divorce. I enclose a breakdown of costs. I look forward to hearing from you.
Seeing it written down like that, I realise I'm not quite ready to reply to him, not just yet. I let out a sigh, which sounds like a longplllllllllllffffffffffffffff. A voice outside says, ' Pllllllllllllllffffffffffff.'
'Ben?' I call. I run my hand over my forehead; it's clammy. 'Is that you?'
'No, it's Ivor the Engine,' the voice says. 'Who's that? Thomas the Tank Engine? Is that you? I love the sound of your piston engine. Can I buy you a drink, handsome?'
'Har de har,' I say, as Ben comes in. He shoots me a cautious, quick look, and then as it's clear I'm not in tears or rocking on the floor, he smiles. 'You all right, sunshine? What's up?'
'Nothing much,' I say, putting my sheepskin boots on. 'Just got an email from a divorce lawyer, that's all. Kind of weird to see it there in black and white on the screen.'
Ben puts two rolls of film down on the counter and leans next to me. 'Sorry to hear it, Eric,' he says. 'That's awful.'
'I'm Ernie,' I say. 'You were Eric.' I point at the photo of us as Morecambe and Wise on the board. 'Remember? You borrowed Tania's glasses and you couldn't see a thing?'
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'Yes, yes.' Ben rubs the bridge of his nose. Tania, like most people in East London, has black-framed glasses, perfect for 'doing' Eric Morecambe and other assorted old-school comics. Who knew? He pats me on the back. 'How are you?'
'I'm OK,' I say. 'I'm keeping busy. Think that's the most important thing.'
'Sure is,' he says. He drums his fingers on the surface. 'Look, do you fancy going for a drink tonight?' There's a pause, and he amends what he's saying. 'Not just with me. Er - it's me, Jamie, Les and Lily - we're going to the Pride of Spitalfields, do you fancy it?'
'Oh.' I don't know what to say. 'What about Tania?'
'She's busy. And - well, you know.'