- •I dumped a can of cat food into her bowl, then stumbled toward the bathroom, her official feeding ground. Needless to say, there was a nearly full bowl of food already there.
- •I pulled up my pants leg, fully exposing the scar. Only then did Joanne drop her hand.
- •I looked into my coffee cup, but no answers were there. “Yes,” I finally said.
- •I looked them over. Danny was right, well, not quite. “Danny said you were hot. She didn’t say molten,” I let out.
- •I bowed to her as the first soft notes of the music began, then her hand was in mine and my arm around her waist.
- •I laughed, caught happily by her confidence in me and the lift of the music.
- •I walked with them, still puzzling about Cordelia’s toast.
- •I waved it away. I was unnerved by Cordelia standing so close.
- •I didn’t really mean to, but she was standing over me, with that damned slit halfway up her thigh. From my floor perspective I could see way beyond thigh level. So I looked. And she caught me looking.
- •I heard voices from the lawn.
- •I shuddered at the common horror of it. “Can you find out?” I wanted to know this women’s fate, the final details. Knowing, no matter how brutal, would be better than imagining.
- •It doesn’t count, Alex, I silently said to the disappearing car. This morning doesn’t count. It wasn’t a rough act of passion, adultery, if you will. It was the only way to stop my hands from shaking.
- •I gave up on reading, not feeling much wiser.
- •I nodded. Nuns lied, I was sure, but only if they thought they were doing it for God.
- •I stood up and extended a hand.
- •I nodded my head, remembering some of the older nuns I had met. I wondered why Sister Ann had decided to answer my questions.
- •I nodded. I would ask Bernie about it.
- •I remembered the letter from the ones Cordelia had shown me. It was to Peterson, r.N., and commented on her insatiable sexual appetite, accusing her of sleeping with a different man every night.
- •I gave her directions, glad that she was interested.
- •I nodded.
- •I wanted to get up and hit him. He was good. But only if you were on his side.
- •I stood up. Joanne walked over to Cordelia and put her hand on Cordelia’s shoulder.
- •I was awakened a few bare hours later by the phone ringing. Joanne answered it.
- •I stuck my head out to observe, but didn’t move to interfere. Millie could probably handle him better than I could. Another figure in white came up behind him.
- •I got up, motioning Cordelia to her chair. I perched on a window sill behind her, looking protectively over her shoulder. She needed to be sitting for what o’Connor was going to tell her.
- •I finally turned from the window when all the footsteps had ceased echoing in the hallway.
- •I suddenly felt tired, letting myself lean against my car, enervated by the day. I didn’t feel up to parading around Danny’s house with Alex there, pretending I wasn’t sleeping with Joanne.
- •I got in my car. Joanne appeared at my window, leaning on the door.
- •I fell back asleep.
- •I headed for the clinic. Since it was Thursday they had evening hours. Cordelia should still be there, I told myself as I turned into the parking lot.
- •I sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping my clothes on.
- •I borrowed a note pad from Bernie, on which I made up a list of probable license plate numbers.
- •I draped my arm across her shoulders. “Alex, if Joanne is insane enough to throw you over for me, then she’s too crazy for me to want to be with.”
- •I shrugged. I didn’t care to tell Aunt Greta anything about Cordelia.
- •I wondered why Cordelia, as upset as she was with me, had chosen to tangle with my Aunt Greta.
- •I caught sight of Cordelia over Emma’s shoulder. She’d obviously heard the last part of our conversation. Her face was somber.
- •I stood, brushed off my knees, and without saying anything, let myself out of her office.
- •I heard the door open behind me.
- •I looked at Elly, wondering what she wanted from me.
- •I didn’t reply, knowing that he wanted me to ask.
- •I stood still, taut, sampling the air.
- •I entered Cordelia’s office, aware of o’Connor’s eyes on my back. I paced as I waited for her, unable to be still. About a minute later, she entered.
- •I walked out first, followed by Cordelia, then o’Connor. I wanted to protect her, at least deflect the staring gazes.
- •I was hearing a confession, I realized.
- •I sat, trying to read Dante, and waited for the phone to ring.
- •I waited while Bernie turned off the lights and locked up. It was after six.
- •I savored the forbidden bourbon I found in her mouth, thrusting my tongue deeply inside to find the hard taste of it.
- •I got in bed. She stood, watching me, then swung a leg over me, sitting astride my stomach.
- •I lay still, rigid, as her fingers moved in me, trying to feel as little as possible. I knew that somewhere there was a Joanne who would be appalled at what she was doing.
- •I rolled over to her side of the bed, then sat up. I reached out my hand to her.
- •I had to look away from her before I could answer. “Yes. Yes, he did.”
- •I instinctively tightened my arms about her, holding her close.
- •I nodded and he continued.
- •It was my turn to look at Sister Ann oddly. “Besides,” I continued, “I doubt Cordelia prefers the company of women.” I didn’t think she would like me coming out for her, particularly to a nun.
- •I nodded, suddenly wondering what it had been like for Cordelia to struggle against what everyone thought she should be, those generations of expectations.
- •I’d supped and showered and was sitting reading when the phone rang. About time, I thought, wondering which of my long-absent friends had finally remembered my existence.
- •I just let her cry. As she had no words for my pain, I found none for hers.
- •I was caught for a moment, looking into her eyes, then I had to glance away. My stomach had just done a very complicated somersault and I didn’t want her noticing.
- •I sat on the side of Elly’s chair and put my arm around her shoulders. “You want to do some forgettable things?”
- •If this was what morality and celibacy did for you, I was glad I had done such a good job of avoiding them both.
- •I jerked against my bonds, more in fury than in any real hope that they would come undone. He calmly ignored my struggling. Even if I got loose, I wasn’t likely to get past him to freedom.
- •I jerked and pulled at the ropes holding me, unable to stay still and let the horror of my death sink in.
- •I galloped across the parking lot as he got out of his car.
- •I did as I was told. The door opened. Cordelia stepped in.
- •I took off my jacket and gun and put them on a chair. Then I stood still, waiting for her to move. I realized I needed her to want me enough to come to me.
- •I stared at Cordelia, “How did you…?”
- •I moaned softly as she covered me.
- •I kissed her again. Thoroughly.
- •I defiantly kept my hand where it was.
- •I knew she didn’t expect an answer, but I gave her one anyway.
- •I nodded. I knew that.
- •I stared at her, completely nonplused.
- •I was still unable to look at Danny. Or Elly. I turned away, leaning onto the counter.
- •I noticed that Danny had wet streaks down her cheeks.
- •I looked at this pink-faced man in a wheelchair, wondering how he was going to kill me. Then I glanced around, sure Frankenstein was going to emerge from one of the doors in the hallway.
- •I extended a hand to help her up.
- •I started to turn to her, but Bernie edged between Elly and Millie.
- •I stared at him. He could have said, “She was my second grade guppy,” for all the remorse in his voice. “Your girlfriend?” I shot back incredulously. “Did you plant her in the clinic?”
- •I roughly pulled him up. “I’ll tell you what went wrong. Betty really was pro-life. She started asking questions. And she realized your answers weren’t her answers.”
- •I gave her an as-delicate-as-possible version of my meeting with Randall Sarafin.
- •I looked at her. Nuns weren’t supposed to approve of lesbians.
- •I shrugged. It was too hot to get into all this.
- •I stopped, taking a drink of the unlabeled juice.
- •I nodded yes.
- •I made an angry gesture.
- •I didn’t tell anyone. I knew they wouldn’t understand or approve.
- •I nodded agreement. I could think of several encounters I would have enjoyed more had I been eating oyster dressing instead of a woman.
- •It was, Joanne said, an ugly conjunction of hatreds.
I started to turn to her, but Bernie edged between Elly and Millie.
“Hi, Bern,” I said, picking her up and hugging her. “Hug back, but either low on the waist or high on the neck,” I cautioned.
She threw her arms around my neck.
“Micky,” she sniffed. “We thought you were dead.”
“Me? No way.” I gave her an extra squeeze, then set her back down. “Us tomcats have nine lives.”
Then I turned to Cordelia. Her eyes were red. Had she been crying for me?
“Everyone okay?” I asked.
“Yes. Now,” she replied.
She took my face between her hands, gently brushing dirt off my cheek. I tentatively put my hands on her waist, wanting to pull her to me, but shy in front of the too numerous onlookers, from camera crews to nuns to nineteen-year-olds.
Cordelia leaned toward me, as if she was going to kiss me anyway. And for that split second, nothing hurt.
But one of the nuns rushed up to us, asking worriedly, “Has anyone seen Sister Fatima?”
Cordelia and I broke off, backing away.
“No,” I said. “Not since before the bomb.”
And no one else had seen her after the explosion.
The look on the nun’s face told us that we were their last hope, the last unchecked group.
“She was a little hard of hearing,” the nun said slowly, turning from us.
“Oh, no,” Millie said for us. “I thought we had all…”
“I had hoped,” Cordelia added, her expression drawn and tight.
“She was so nice,” Bernie said helplessly. “Why?”
Elly put her arms around Bernie, the only possible answer.
“You might go look at Sister Ann,” I told Cordelia, to give her something useful to do. “She hurt her ankle rather badly.”
“Yeah, let me go do that,” she said grimly, “although…” with a look back at the ruins of her clinic, “I haven’t much to work with.”
She walked over to the nuns.
“Damn whoever did this,” Millie cursed. “Damn them.” Then she followed Cordelia.
The one lone cop had gotten reinforcements and they were hustling us back to the far side of the street. Elly kept a protective arm around Bernie.
I started looking for O’Connor, to scream and curse at him, but he wasn’t here. Then I saw another face in the crowd. Odd that he should be here. I kept expecting Frankenstein to show up. It appeared that he had decided to run away and fight the devil another day.
“I’ll be back,” I told Elly, as I started threading my way through the throng.
He was at the far edge of the onlookers, by himself. I stalked him slowly, not wanting him to see the intensity of my hunt. For a moment, I placed a tree between us, hastily brushing myself off, trying to make it look like I was just some curious bystander. I patted my gun, reassured irrationally by its warm metallic presence.
I circled the tree. He was still where he had been. I slowly ambled up to him. It was him, I made sure as I got close, the same scrubbed innocent face I had glimpsed running down my stairs and at Betty’s cottage. Had he helped Frankenstein murder her? But this time Choirboy wasn’t in a hurry. He stood, rocking slightly back on his heels, trying not to smile, but he couldn’t really prevent the corners of his mouth from twitching in satisfaction.
“Howdy,” he said to me, not recognizing me.
Always learn the face of your murder victims, so they can’t sneak up on you if you miss.
“Hi,” I replied as calmly as I could. “What happened here?”
“An abortion clinic got what it deserved,” he said smugly.
“Oh? I thought that was a neighborhood clinic and a Catholic community center,” I answered.
“No. No, it was an abortion house,” he corrected me. “A beautiful sight going up.”
“I think we’ve met before,” I said. “Isn’t your name Bill?”
“Yes, yes, it is.” He smiled, trying to place me.
I reached out to shake his hand.
“Bill?” I asked as he took my hand.
“Bill Dolton.”
I tightened my grasp on his hand.
“Micky Knight. You left a bomb at my door.”
His expression started to change from smug gleefulness to worry and perhaps even fear, but he didn’t have time. I punched him in the nose. He went down, blood streaming onto his lower lip.
“And congratulations, Bill,” I remarked acidly. “You’ve just murdered a seventy-year-old nun. She was hard of hearing and didn’t get out of the building in time.”
He started to get up, but I put a foot on his shoulder and pushed him back down.
“Wha…?” he started in disbelief.
“Your friend Sarry had other plans,” I told him, grabbing him by the shirt. “He never made any of the warning calls. He wanted to murder the people in that building, and he lied to you. It wasn’t an abortion clinic.”
“No, you’re lying,” he sniffed.
“Where’s Will?” I demanded. I didn’t ever want to be surprised by him again.
“Will?” Choirboy echoed stupidly.
“Yeah, Will. The big, tall, ugly guy who jerks off with prayer. You know who I’m talking about.”
“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know where he is,” he answered hastily, seeing that I had little patience. “I was supposed to meet him here.”
“When?”
“Uh…now, I guess. He was supposed to be here,” Choirboy replied, looking around, obviously hoping for an ally.
Keeping a tight grip on him, I scanned the crowd. I couldn’t see Frankenstein anywhere. Choirboy would have to do.
“He said he’d be here,” Choirboy sniveled.
“Where are the rest of the bombs?” I demanded, shaking him.
“I don’t have to tell you,” he said, like a petulant child.
“No, you don’t. But I don’t have to stop hitting you, either,” I informed him.
He looked scared. No one had ever really hit him before. That was obvious. He lived in a world where God was on his side and being wrong and being hurt weren’t possibilities for him. I gave him a quick kick in the groin to prove my point.
“And that was gentle,” I said as he sputtered a protest. It was, compared to how hard I wanted to hit him.
“Police brutality,” he finally spat out through the blood on his lips.
“I’m not the police. And this isn’t brutal. Not compared to the ton of brick and board that you let crush the life out of Sister Fatima. Did you kill Betty Peterson?”
“No, I swear. I had nothing to do with that. She was my girlfriend.”