- •I dumped a can of cat food into her bowl, then stumbled toward the bathroom, her official feeding ground. Needless to say, there was a nearly full bowl of food already there.
- •I pulled up my pants leg, fully exposing the scar. Only then did Joanne drop her hand.
- •I looked into my coffee cup, but no answers were there. “Yes,” I finally said.
- •I looked them over. Danny was right, well, not quite. “Danny said you were hot. She didn’t say molten,” I let out.
- •I bowed to her as the first soft notes of the music began, then her hand was in mine and my arm around her waist.
- •I laughed, caught happily by her confidence in me and the lift of the music.
- •I walked with them, still puzzling about Cordelia’s toast.
- •I waved it away. I was unnerved by Cordelia standing so close.
- •I didn’t really mean to, but she was standing over me, with that damned slit halfway up her thigh. From my floor perspective I could see way beyond thigh level. So I looked. And she caught me looking.
- •I heard voices from the lawn.
- •I shuddered at the common horror of it. “Can you find out?” I wanted to know this women’s fate, the final details. Knowing, no matter how brutal, would be better than imagining.
- •It doesn’t count, Alex, I silently said to the disappearing car. This morning doesn’t count. It wasn’t a rough act of passion, adultery, if you will. It was the only way to stop my hands from shaking.
- •I gave up on reading, not feeling much wiser.
- •I nodded. Nuns lied, I was sure, but only if they thought they were doing it for God.
- •I stood up and extended a hand.
- •I nodded my head, remembering some of the older nuns I had met. I wondered why Sister Ann had decided to answer my questions.
- •I nodded. I would ask Bernie about it.
- •I remembered the letter from the ones Cordelia had shown me. It was to Peterson, r.N., and commented on her insatiable sexual appetite, accusing her of sleeping with a different man every night.
- •I gave her directions, glad that she was interested.
- •I nodded.
- •I wanted to get up and hit him. He was good. But only if you were on his side.
- •I stood up. Joanne walked over to Cordelia and put her hand on Cordelia’s shoulder.
- •I was awakened a few bare hours later by the phone ringing. Joanne answered it.
- •I stuck my head out to observe, but didn’t move to interfere. Millie could probably handle him better than I could. Another figure in white came up behind him.
- •I got up, motioning Cordelia to her chair. I perched on a window sill behind her, looking protectively over her shoulder. She needed to be sitting for what o’Connor was going to tell her.
- •I finally turned from the window when all the footsteps had ceased echoing in the hallway.
- •I suddenly felt tired, letting myself lean against my car, enervated by the day. I didn’t feel up to parading around Danny’s house with Alex there, pretending I wasn’t sleeping with Joanne.
- •I got in my car. Joanne appeared at my window, leaning on the door.
- •I fell back asleep.
- •I headed for the clinic. Since it was Thursday they had evening hours. Cordelia should still be there, I told myself as I turned into the parking lot.
- •I sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping my clothes on.
- •I borrowed a note pad from Bernie, on which I made up a list of probable license plate numbers.
- •I draped my arm across her shoulders. “Alex, if Joanne is insane enough to throw you over for me, then she’s too crazy for me to want to be with.”
- •I shrugged. I didn’t care to tell Aunt Greta anything about Cordelia.
- •I wondered why Cordelia, as upset as she was with me, had chosen to tangle with my Aunt Greta.
- •I caught sight of Cordelia over Emma’s shoulder. She’d obviously heard the last part of our conversation. Her face was somber.
- •I stood, brushed off my knees, and without saying anything, let myself out of her office.
- •I heard the door open behind me.
- •I looked at Elly, wondering what she wanted from me.
- •I didn’t reply, knowing that he wanted me to ask.
- •I stood still, taut, sampling the air.
- •I entered Cordelia’s office, aware of o’Connor’s eyes on my back. I paced as I waited for her, unable to be still. About a minute later, she entered.
- •I walked out first, followed by Cordelia, then o’Connor. I wanted to protect her, at least deflect the staring gazes.
- •I was hearing a confession, I realized.
- •I sat, trying to read Dante, and waited for the phone to ring.
- •I waited while Bernie turned off the lights and locked up. It was after six.
- •I savored the forbidden bourbon I found in her mouth, thrusting my tongue deeply inside to find the hard taste of it.
- •I got in bed. She stood, watching me, then swung a leg over me, sitting astride my stomach.
- •I lay still, rigid, as her fingers moved in me, trying to feel as little as possible. I knew that somewhere there was a Joanne who would be appalled at what she was doing.
- •I rolled over to her side of the bed, then sat up. I reached out my hand to her.
- •I had to look away from her before I could answer. “Yes. Yes, he did.”
- •I instinctively tightened my arms about her, holding her close.
- •I nodded and he continued.
- •It was my turn to look at Sister Ann oddly. “Besides,” I continued, “I doubt Cordelia prefers the company of women.” I didn’t think she would like me coming out for her, particularly to a nun.
- •I nodded, suddenly wondering what it had been like for Cordelia to struggle against what everyone thought she should be, those generations of expectations.
- •I’d supped and showered and was sitting reading when the phone rang. About time, I thought, wondering which of my long-absent friends had finally remembered my existence.
- •I just let her cry. As she had no words for my pain, I found none for hers.
- •I was caught for a moment, looking into her eyes, then I had to glance away. My stomach had just done a very complicated somersault and I didn’t want her noticing.
- •I sat on the side of Elly’s chair and put my arm around her shoulders. “You want to do some forgettable things?”
- •If this was what morality and celibacy did for you, I was glad I had done such a good job of avoiding them both.
- •I jerked against my bonds, more in fury than in any real hope that they would come undone. He calmly ignored my struggling. Even if I got loose, I wasn’t likely to get past him to freedom.
- •I jerked and pulled at the ropes holding me, unable to stay still and let the horror of my death sink in.
- •I galloped across the parking lot as he got out of his car.
- •I did as I was told. The door opened. Cordelia stepped in.
- •I took off my jacket and gun and put them on a chair. Then I stood still, waiting for her to move. I realized I needed her to want me enough to come to me.
- •I stared at Cordelia, “How did you…?”
- •I moaned softly as she covered me.
- •I kissed her again. Thoroughly.
- •I defiantly kept my hand where it was.
- •I knew she didn’t expect an answer, but I gave her one anyway.
- •I nodded. I knew that.
- •I stared at her, completely nonplused.
- •I was still unable to look at Danny. Or Elly. I turned away, leaning onto the counter.
- •I noticed that Danny had wet streaks down her cheeks.
- •I looked at this pink-faced man in a wheelchair, wondering how he was going to kill me. Then I glanced around, sure Frankenstein was going to emerge from one of the doors in the hallway.
- •I extended a hand to help her up.
- •I started to turn to her, but Bernie edged between Elly and Millie.
- •I stared at him. He could have said, “She was my second grade guppy,” for all the remorse in his voice. “Your girlfriend?” I shot back incredulously. “Did you plant her in the clinic?”
- •I roughly pulled him up. “I’ll tell you what went wrong. Betty really was pro-life. She started asking questions. And she realized your answers weren’t her answers.”
- •I gave her an as-delicate-as-possible version of my meeting with Randall Sarafin.
- •I looked at her. Nuns weren’t supposed to approve of lesbians.
- •I shrugged. It was too hot to get into all this.
- •I stopped, taking a drink of the unlabeled juice.
- •I nodded yes.
- •I made an angry gesture.
- •I didn’t tell anyone. I knew they wouldn’t understand or approve.
- •I nodded agreement. I could think of several encounters I would have enjoyed more had I been eating oyster dressing instead of a woman.
- •It was, Joanne said, an ugly conjunction of hatreds.
I finally turned from the window when all the footsteps had ceased echoing in the hallway.
Emma was still there.
“I didn’t steal the money,” I repeated.
“Michele, dear, I know that. I was there, remember? I saw what you brought out of that ugly house. One battered suitcase and a small box of books. And I watched you unpack everything. I didn’t see a thousand dollars. And even if I hadn’t been an eyewitness to your not stealing the money, I’d hardly take the word of that termagant over yours.”
“Thanks, Emma,” I said, smiling at her choice of words. I surprised both of us by hugging her tightly. As I should have done a long time ago, except for Aunt Greta teaching me to expect people to use me. And Bayard giving me a reason to think Emma was using me.
“Thank you,” she said as I released her.
I shrugged it off, but couldn’t help smiling at Emma. In a way that Aunt Greta would never know, or understand even if she did, I had won a victory over her today.
“No, thank you. Ten, no, a thousand Aunt Gretas and their accusations couldn’t equal your belief in me.”
“Sensible woman,” Emma responded. “I must be off. Watch over Cordelia for me, will you?”
I agreed, then walked Emma to her car. After waving good-bye to her, I went back to the waiting room. And waited, ostensibly, watching over Cordelia for Emma, but really, just watching, hoping for something to fall into place.
Joanne arrived around five thirty.
Hutch showed up a minute later, followed a few minutes later by Danny.
Hutch and Millie, taking advantage of heterosexual privilege, kissed hello. Danny and Elly discreetly hugged. Joanne and I just nodded. Danny also hugged Cordelia when she emerged from her last patient. We moved, en masse, toward the parking lot. I elbowed Danny in the side when I caught sight of O’Connor. Danny was in the process of inviting everyone over for dinner. And on the verge of holding Elly’s hand. She straightened up at my hint.
O’Connor grunted at the sight of us.
“Well, well, what do we have here?” he asked.
“A group of people,” I answered.
“Detective Ranson,” he said, “you just happen to be here a lot, don’t you?” He clearly didn’t like her hovering over his investigation.
“It happens,” Joanne shrugged. “Do you know my partner, Hutch Mackenzie?”
Hutch shook O’Connor’s hand, towering over him as he did.
“Yeah, well, I can see why they paired the two of you,” was O’Connor’s comment.
Joanne stiffened.
“We work together real well because the crooks always think what you’re thinking,” Hutch said in his best man-to-man tone. “I first met Joanne on the judo mat. I figured, hey, no problem, I’ll have her down in no time. Then I was looking at the ceiling, wondering what had happened.” Hutch put his arms around O’Connor’s shoulders buddy fashion, which only emphasized how much bigger Hutch was. “Then I said to myself, all right, bitch. And I got up and I got serious. And there was the ceiling again. And again. She threw me four times. Then I gave up. We make a great team, Joanne beats the crooks up and I sit on them.”
“I meant no offense,” O’Connor said, looking up at Hutch.
“None taken, Detective O’Connor,” Joanne replied coolly.
“Well, Dr. James,” O’Connor said, slipping away from Hutch. “Did you assemble your troops for my benefit?”
“No.” Cordelia shook her head.
“Two police officers, a district attorney.” He nodded at Danny. “Miss Private Investigator, your staff. I’m impressed. But not impressed enough to let you get away with murder.” With that, he got in his car and drove away.
“Asshole,” I commented.
“Just doing his job.” Hutch shrugged.
“Abrasively,” I answered.
With O’Connor gone, Danny repeated her invitation to dinner.
“Why don’t I call Alex and have her meet us there?” Cordelia volunteered. “She’s called twice today and I haven’t gotten back to her yet.”
“I’ll do it,” Joanne said. “I need to call her anyway.” She declined Cordelia’s offer of keys to get back into the clinic and went instead to the pay phone on the corner.