- •I dumped a can of cat food into her bowl, then stumbled toward the bathroom, her official feeding ground. Needless to say, there was a nearly full bowl of food already there.
- •I pulled up my pants leg, fully exposing the scar. Only then did Joanne drop her hand.
- •I looked into my coffee cup, but no answers were there. “Yes,” I finally said.
- •I looked them over. Danny was right, well, not quite. “Danny said you were hot. She didn’t say molten,” I let out.
- •I bowed to her as the first soft notes of the music began, then her hand was in mine and my arm around her waist.
- •I laughed, caught happily by her confidence in me and the lift of the music.
- •I walked with them, still puzzling about Cordelia’s toast.
- •I waved it away. I was unnerved by Cordelia standing so close.
- •I didn’t really mean to, but she was standing over me, with that damned slit halfway up her thigh. From my floor perspective I could see way beyond thigh level. So I looked. And she caught me looking.
- •I heard voices from the lawn.
- •I shuddered at the common horror of it. “Can you find out?” I wanted to know this women’s fate, the final details. Knowing, no matter how brutal, would be better than imagining.
- •It doesn’t count, Alex, I silently said to the disappearing car. This morning doesn’t count. It wasn’t a rough act of passion, adultery, if you will. It was the only way to stop my hands from shaking.
- •I gave up on reading, not feeling much wiser.
- •I nodded. Nuns lied, I was sure, but only if they thought they were doing it for God.
- •I stood up and extended a hand.
- •I nodded my head, remembering some of the older nuns I had met. I wondered why Sister Ann had decided to answer my questions.
- •I nodded. I would ask Bernie about it.
- •I remembered the letter from the ones Cordelia had shown me. It was to Peterson, r.N., and commented on her insatiable sexual appetite, accusing her of sleeping with a different man every night.
- •I gave her directions, glad that she was interested.
- •I nodded.
- •I wanted to get up and hit him. He was good. But only if you were on his side.
- •I stood up. Joanne walked over to Cordelia and put her hand on Cordelia’s shoulder.
- •I was awakened a few bare hours later by the phone ringing. Joanne answered it.
- •I stuck my head out to observe, but didn’t move to interfere. Millie could probably handle him better than I could. Another figure in white came up behind him.
- •I got up, motioning Cordelia to her chair. I perched on a window sill behind her, looking protectively over her shoulder. She needed to be sitting for what o’Connor was going to tell her.
- •I finally turned from the window when all the footsteps had ceased echoing in the hallway.
- •I suddenly felt tired, letting myself lean against my car, enervated by the day. I didn’t feel up to parading around Danny’s house with Alex there, pretending I wasn’t sleeping with Joanne.
- •I got in my car. Joanne appeared at my window, leaning on the door.
- •I fell back asleep.
- •I headed for the clinic. Since it was Thursday they had evening hours. Cordelia should still be there, I told myself as I turned into the parking lot.
- •I sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping my clothes on.
- •I borrowed a note pad from Bernie, on which I made up a list of probable license plate numbers.
- •I draped my arm across her shoulders. “Alex, if Joanne is insane enough to throw you over for me, then she’s too crazy for me to want to be with.”
- •I shrugged. I didn’t care to tell Aunt Greta anything about Cordelia.
- •I wondered why Cordelia, as upset as she was with me, had chosen to tangle with my Aunt Greta.
- •I caught sight of Cordelia over Emma’s shoulder. She’d obviously heard the last part of our conversation. Her face was somber.
- •I stood, brushed off my knees, and without saying anything, let myself out of her office.
- •I heard the door open behind me.
- •I looked at Elly, wondering what she wanted from me.
- •I didn’t reply, knowing that he wanted me to ask.
- •I stood still, taut, sampling the air.
- •I entered Cordelia’s office, aware of o’Connor’s eyes on my back. I paced as I waited for her, unable to be still. About a minute later, she entered.
- •I walked out first, followed by Cordelia, then o’Connor. I wanted to protect her, at least deflect the staring gazes.
- •I was hearing a confession, I realized.
- •I sat, trying to read Dante, and waited for the phone to ring.
- •I waited while Bernie turned off the lights and locked up. It was after six.
- •I savored the forbidden bourbon I found in her mouth, thrusting my tongue deeply inside to find the hard taste of it.
- •I got in bed. She stood, watching me, then swung a leg over me, sitting astride my stomach.
- •I lay still, rigid, as her fingers moved in me, trying to feel as little as possible. I knew that somewhere there was a Joanne who would be appalled at what she was doing.
- •I rolled over to her side of the bed, then sat up. I reached out my hand to her.
- •I had to look away from her before I could answer. “Yes. Yes, he did.”
- •I instinctively tightened my arms about her, holding her close.
- •I nodded and he continued.
- •It was my turn to look at Sister Ann oddly. “Besides,” I continued, “I doubt Cordelia prefers the company of women.” I didn’t think she would like me coming out for her, particularly to a nun.
- •I nodded, suddenly wondering what it had been like for Cordelia to struggle against what everyone thought she should be, those generations of expectations.
- •I’d supped and showered and was sitting reading when the phone rang. About time, I thought, wondering which of my long-absent friends had finally remembered my existence.
- •I just let her cry. As she had no words for my pain, I found none for hers.
- •I was caught for a moment, looking into her eyes, then I had to glance away. My stomach had just done a very complicated somersault and I didn’t want her noticing.
- •I sat on the side of Elly’s chair and put my arm around her shoulders. “You want to do some forgettable things?”
- •If this was what morality and celibacy did for you, I was glad I had done such a good job of avoiding them both.
- •I jerked against my bonds, more in fury than in any real hope that they would come undone. He calmly ignored my struggling. Even if I got loose, I wasn’t likely to get past him to freedom.
- •I jerked and pulled at the ropes holding me, unable to stay still and let the horror of my death sink in.
- •I galloped across the parking lot as he got out of his car.
- •I did as I was told. The door opened. Cordelia stepped in.
- •I took off my jacket and gun and put them on a chair. Then I stood still, waiting for her to move. I realized I needed her to want me enough to come to me.
- •I stared at Cordelia, “How did you…?”
- •I moaned softly as she covered me.
- •I kissed her again. Thoroughly.
- •I defiantly kept my hand where it was.
- •I knew she didn’t expect an answer, but I gave her one anyway.
- •I nodded. I knew that.
- •I stared at her, completely nonplused.
- •I was still unable to look at Danny. Or Elly. I turned away, leaning onto the counter.
- •I noticed that Danny had wet streaks down her cheeks.
- •I looked at this pink-faced man in a wheelchair, wondering how he was going to kill me. Then I glanced around, sure Frankenstein was going to emerge from one of the doors in the hallway.
- •I extended a hand to help her up.
- •I started to turn to her, but Bernie edged between Elly and Millie.
- •I stared at him. He could have said, “She was my second grade guppy,” for all the remorse in his voice. “Your girlfriend?” I shot back incredulously. “Did you plant her in the clinic?”
- •I roughly pulled him up. “I’ll tell you what went wrong. Betty really was pro-life. She started asking questions. And she realized your answers weren’t her answers.”
- •I gave her an as-delicate-as-possible version of my meeting with Randall Sarafin.
- •I looked at her. Nuns weren’t supposed to approve of lesbians.
- •I shrugged. It was too hot to get into all this.
- •I stopped, taking a drink of the unlabeled juice.
- •I nodded yes.
- •I made an angry gesture.
- •I didn’t tell anyone. I knew they wouldn’t understand or approve.
- •I nodded agreement. I could think of several encounters I would have enjoyed more had I been eating oyster dressing instead of a woman.
- •It was, Joanne said, an ugly conjunction of hatreds.
I didn’t reply, knowing that he wanted me to ask.
“Don’t you want to know what that question is?”
“You want to tell me, so go ahead.”
“Are you in it with her or has she got you duped?”
“Make up your mind, so you can find evidence for whatever you want to believe.”
“Did you put the body in the basement for her?”
“No, but I did slit the throats of thirty-six orphans at her request. She paid me a buck a head.”
“Ever sarcastic. I rather like your sense of humor. I hope you’re not involved.”
“How kind of you,” I answered coolly.
“Do you smoke?” he asked, reaching into his jacket pocket for a pack of cigarettes.
“No, I don’t.”
“Good. It’s a bad habit.”
A breeze sprang up, lifting the hair off my forehead. The cooling air was welcome.
“Don’t light that,” I suddenly said, catching an odor on the fresh breeze.
“Why? Are you one of those?”
“No,” I answered. I paused, trying to separate the myriad smells of a hot city day, hoping I was only imagining one of them. “Do you smell anything?”
“No. Twenty years of smoking’s ruined my nose.”
I stood still, taut, sampling the air.
“Oh, Jesus,” I let out as I was hit with a draft of fetid air, an odor that didn’t belong in this warm summer afternoon. I glanced at O’Connor. His face held a somber look of concentration, the cigarette unlit.
“What is it?” he asked, no playful banter in his voice.
“A dead…animal. A dog, maybe,” I said.
“I hope so,” he replied.
“Oh, Jesus,” I repeated, softly, hugging myself as I shivered, despite the heat of the sun.
“Shall we check it out?” he asked, looking intently at me.
“No, I don’t…I don’t like seeing dead dogs.”
O’Connor turned around and strode purposely for the parking lot, calling out several names as he went. He immediately returned with a number of his men. They plunged grimly into the overgrowth. I watched as they slowly and methodically searched through the tangled brush. The minutes ticked by, punctuated only by the steady snap and swish of their movements in the weeds.
I stayed where I was, unable to move, still testing the air, hoping that somehow I could prove myself wrong. I wanted desperately to call out to those men, “I’m sorry, I made a mistake. You won’t find anything.”
Then one of them shouted, “Here. Over here.” And nothing more.
I sat on the grass, unable to get away from the smell now that it had been confirmed. It seemed to be everywhere. I kept breathing the decay to be sure that this was real, that this summer day had really veered so hauntingly awry.
O’Connor finally emerged from the brush, his face red and sweating, crushed tags of green clinging to his pants. He headed straight toward me. I noticed he was holding a handkerchief in one hand. I guess he had smelled the decay once he got close enough. He didn’t say anything, but showed me what was in his other hand, a plastic evidence bag containing an insurance form. Signed by Dr. C. James.
“We found her clothes and purse about ten yards away. This was in it,” he said, after I’d read it.
“How do you know it’s hers?”
“Not definite yet. But my instinct says so and it’s not often wrong. You want to help me?”
“No, I don’t,” I replied.
“Then why did you point out that body?” he asked. “A few more days in this heat and the medical examiner might have a hard time telling whether she was eighteen or eighty. Let alone what she died from.”
“My goddamn sense of honor,” I retorted.
“I’m getting a search warrant. And then I’m going into the clinic. If I find,” he flipped the insurance form to read it, “a file for Faye Zimmer, I’m going to arrest Dr. James.”
“Why tell me? You want my permission?” I replied sarcastically. “How long will it take you?”
“Not long. I’ve already put in the call. One of my guys is on his way to pick it up right now,” he answered, then continued, “You still going to side with someone who’s made a fool of you?”
“She didn’t do it.”
“I got evidence that says she did.”
“You’ve got evidence that somebody is setting her up. Find someone who hates Cordelia, or even Emma Auerbach, and you might find your murderer.”
“So, who would hate her like that? You’re stretching, Miss Knight.”
“Someone from Cordelia’s past, who’s found this a perfect opportunity for vengeance. Or Emma’s past. Cordelia just opened this clinic in the last few months. Emma’s been very noticeable in the pro-choice movement recently. Somebody’s noticed. Do a little more footwork before you take the easy way out.”
“Give me some names. Make a few suggestions. You know both Dr. James and Miss Auerbach. Who would hate either of them enough to kill a few innocent women to get back at them?”
I sat, trying to think of any possible names. O’Connor was right, murdering women just to make it look like Cordelia was botching abortions was an improbable sort of revenge.
“Well,” he demanded.
“I’m working on it,” I replied.
One of his men was walking across the lawn to us. He held out a piece of paper as he approached. O’Connor took it.
“Thanks, Rob,” he said. Then, “You want to come with us?” he asked me, as he turn toward the clinic.
I jumped up, angrily walking in front of him. He kept pace behind me into the clinic.
I nodded at Bernie, but didn’t say anything. O’Connor and I walked to the file cabinets. Then I put out my hand for the search warrant. We would do this by the book. He handed it to me, waiting patiently as I read it over. I handed it back and stood looking at him, but he motioned me to go ahead. I opened the drawer and started flipping through the Zs. It was in back, not in perfect alphabetical order, but Faye Zimmer’s file was there.
“Shit,” I muttered, looking at the accusing paperwork in my hand. O’Connor took it from me. He said nothing, just watched me.
“Five minutes,” I said. “Give me five minutes to talk to her.”
“I’ll be waiting,” he replied. “My men will be outside. If she’s really innocent, it’s not a good idea to run away.” He turned and went back out to the waiting room. But he didn’t stop watching me.
Nurse Peterson came out of one of the rooms.
“Where’s Cordelia?” I asked as I walked down the hall toward her. “I have to talk to her. Now.”
Nurse Peterson looked unsure.
“It’s important,” I said. “I’ll wait in her office.”
“All right,” she agreed and went back into the room she had just left.