- •I dumped a can of cat food into her bowl, then stumbled toward the bathroom, her official feeding ground. Needless to say, there was a nearly full bowl of food already there.
- •I pulled up my pants leg, fully exposing the scar. Only then did Joanne drop her hand.
- •I looked into my coffee cup, but no answers were there. “Yes,” I finally said.
- •I looked them over. Danny was right, well, not quite. “Danny said you were hot. She didn’t say molten,” I let out.
- •I bowed to her as the first soft notes of the music began, then her hand was in mine and my arm around her waist.
- •I laughed, caught happily by her confidence in me and the lift of the music.
- •I walked with them, still puzzling about Cordelia’s toast.
- •I waved it away. I was unnerved by Cordelia standing so close.
- •I didn’t really mean to, but she was standing over me, with that damned slit halfway up her thigh. From my floor perspective I could see way beyond thigh level. So I looked. And she caught me looking.
- •I heard voices from the lawn.
- •I shuddered at the common horror of it. “Can you find out?” I wanted to know this women’s fate, the final details. Knowing, no matter how brutal, would be better than imagining.
- •It doesn’t count, Alex, I silently said to the disappearing car. This morning doesn’t count. It wasn’t a rough act of passion, adultery, if you will. It was the only way to stop my hands from shaking.
- •I gave up on reading, not feeling much wiser.
- •I nodded. Nuns lied, I was sure, but only if they thought they were doing it for God.
- •I stood up and extended a hand.
- •I nodded my head, remembering some of the older nuns I had met. I wondered why Sister Ann had decided to answer my questions.
- •I nodded. I would ask Bernie about it.
- •I remembered the letter from the ones Cordelia had shown me. It was to Peterson, r.N., and commented on her insatiable sexual appetite, accusing her of sleeping with a different man every night.
- •I gave her directions, glad that she was interested.
- •I nodded.
- •I wanted to get up and hit him. He was good. But only if you were on his side.
- •I stood up. Joanne walked over to Cordelia and put her hand on Cordelia’s shoulder.
- •I was awakened a few bare hours later by the phone ringing. Joanne answered it.
- •I stuck my head out to observe, but didn’t move to interfere. Millie could probably handle him better than I could. Another figure in white came up behind him.
- •I got up, motioning Cordelia to her chair. I perched on a window sill behind her, looking protectively over her shoulder. She needed to be sitting for what o’Connor was going to tell her.
- •I finally turned from the window when all the footsteps had ceased echoing in the hallway.
- •I suddenly felt tired, letting myself lean against my car, enervated by the day. I didn’t feel up to parading around Danny’s house with Alex there, pretending I wasn’t sleeping with Joanne.
- •I got in my car. Joanne appeared at my window, leaning on the door.
- •I fell back asleep.
- •I headed for the clinic. Since it was Thursday they had evening hours. Cordelia should still be there, I told myself as I turned into the parking lot.
- •I sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping my clothes on.
- •I borrowed a note pad from Bernie, on which I made up a list of probable license plate numbers.
- •I draped my arm across her shoulders. “Alex, if Joanne is insane enough to throw you over for me, then she’s too crazy for me to want to be with.”
- •I shrugged. I didn’t care to tell Aunt Greta anything about Cordelia.
- •I wondered why Cordelia, as upset as she was with me, had chosen to tangle with my Aunt Greta.
- •I caught sight of Cordelia over Emma’s shoulder. She’d obviously heard the last part of our conversation. Her face was somber.
- •I stood, brushed off my knees, and without saying anything, let myself out of her office.
- •I heard the door open behind me.
- •I looked at Elly, wondering what she wanted from me.
- •I didn’t reply, knowing that he wanted me to ask.
- •I stood still, taut, sampling the air.
- •I entered Cordelia’s office, aware of o’Connor’s eyes on my back. I paced as I waited for her, unable to be still. About a minute later, she entered.
- •I walked out first, followed by Cordelia, then o’Connor. I wanted to protect her, at least deflect the staring gazes.
- •I was hearing a confession, I realized.
- •I sat, trying to read Dante, and waited for the phone to ring.
- •I waited while Bernie turned off the lights and locked up. It was after six.
- •I savored the forbidden bourbon I found in her mouth, thrusting my tongue deeply inside to find the hard taste of it.
- •I got in bed. She stood, watching me, then swung a leg over me, sitting astride my stomach.
- •I lay still, rigid, as her fingers moved in me, trying to feel as little as possible. I knew that somewhere there was a Joanne who would be appalled at what she was doing.
- •I rolled over to her side of the bed, then sat up. I reached out my hand to her.
- •I had to look away from her before I could answer. “Yes. Yes, he did.”
- •I instinctively tightened my arms about her, holding her close.
- •I nodded and he continued.
- •It was my turn to look at Sister Ann oddly. “Besides,” I continued, “I doubt Cordelia prefers the company of women.” I didn’t think she would like me coming out for her, particularly to a nun.
- •I nodded, suddenly wondering what it had been like for Cordelia to struggle against what everyone thought she should be, those generations of expectations.
- •I’d supped and showered and was sitting reading when the phone rang. About time, I thought, wondering which of my long-absent friends had finally remembered my existence.
- •I just let her cry. As she had no words for my pain, I found none for hers.
- •I was caught for a moment, looking into her eyes, then I had to glance away. My stomach had just done a very complicated somersault and I didn’t want her noticing.
- •I sat on the side of Elly’s chair and put my arm around her shoulders. “You want to do some forgettable things?”
- •If this was what morality and celibacy did for you, I was glad I had done such a good job of avoiding them both.
- •I jerked against my bonds, more in fury than in any real hope that they would come undone. He calmly ignored my struggling. Even if I got loose, I wasn’t likely to get past him to freedom.
- •I jerked and pulled at the ropes holding me, unable to stay still and let the horror of my death sink in.
- •I galloped across the parking lot as he got out of his car.
- •I did as I was told. The door opened. Cordelia stepped in.
- •I took off my jacket and gun and put them on a chair. Then I stood still, waiting for her to move. I realized I needed her to want me enough to come to me.
- •I stared at Cordelia, “How did you…?”
- •I moaned softly as she covered me.
- •I kissed her again. Thoroughly.
- •I defiantly kept my hand where it was.
- •I knew she didn’t expect an answer, but I gave her one anyway.
- •I nodded. I knew that.
- •I stared at her, completely nonplused.
- •I was still unable to look at Danny. Or Elly. I turned away, leaning onto the counter.
- •I noticed that Danny had wet streaks down her cheeks.
- •I looked at this pink-faced man in a wheelchair, wondering how he was going to kill me. Then I glanced around, sure Frankenstein was going to emerge from one of the doors in the hallway.
- •I extended a hand to help her up.
- •I started to turn to her, but Bernie edged between Elly and Millie.
- •I stared at him. He could have said, “She was my second grade guppy,” for all the remorse in his voice. “Your girlfriend?” I shot back incredulously. “Did you plant her in the clinic?”
- •I roughly pulled him up. “I’ll tell you what went wrong. Betty really was pro-life. She started asking questions. And she realized your answers weren’t her answers.”
- •I gave her an as-delicate-as-possible version of my meeting with Randall Sarafin.
- •I looked at her. Nuns weren’t supposed to approve of lesbians.
- •I shrugged. It was too hot to get into all this.
- •I stopped, taking a drink of the unlabeled juice.
- •I nodded yes.
- •I made an angry gesture.
- •I didn’t tell anyone. I knew they wouldn’t understand or approve.
- •I nodded agreement. I could think of several encounters I would have enjoyed more had I been eating oyster dressing instead of a woman.
- •It was, Joanne said, an ugly conjunction of hatreds.
I wanted to get up and hit him. He was good. But only if you were on his side.
“I’ve been married,” Joanne replied tersely.
“Yeah?” he said, still seemingly casual. “What happened? I never heard that.”
“We’re divorced,” she responded neutrally.
“Yeah, well, I’m Catholic. We don’t believe in divorce.”
“Just practical things, like transubstantiation and the infallibility of the Popes,” I commented.
“You got a Catholic problem?” he shot at me.
“Oh, no, I think the Inquisition was one of the most benign periods in history,” I retorted, deliberately baiting him.
He turned his back to me. He probably didn’t know what the Inquisition was.
Cordelia came back into the waiting room. She looked drained. She sat staring at her hands, as if they had somehow deceived her.
“It’s late, O’Connor. Is there any real need for us to be here?” Joanne asked, after he continued to ignore us for about twenty minutes.
“Naw, you can go,” he said, not even turning around.
I stood up. Joanne walked over to Cordelia and put her hand on Cordelia’s shoulder.
“Let’s go,” she said gently. “We’ll take you home.”
Cordelia nodded assent, shakily standing up.
“Not Dr. James,” O’Connor said.
“Then we’ll stay,” I said, sitting back down. “I’ll stay,” I amended.
“Are you charging me with something?” Cordelia asked him.
“Well, it is late,” he said. “I’ll be nice, Dr. James. This here patrolman,” he nodded at one of the uniformed officers, “will take you home. And he’ll hang around just so you don’t decide to take any sudden trips. We want to know where we can find you.”
“Home. Then here taking care of my patients,” she retorted.
“You do that. Just be careful.” He motioned the patrolman and Cordelia out. “Take good care of your patients,” his voice floated after us.
“Damn him,” Cordelia said under her breath.
Joanne and I walked with her to her car, the patrolman following behind. He got in the driver’s seat.
“Call your lawyer,” Joanne said as Cordelia got in. She nodded tiredly, shutting the door.
“Cordelia…” I said, leaning in the window. But there was nothing to say. I put my hand on her shoulder. “I’ll be here tomorrow.”
She turned to look at me, then covered my hand with one of hers.
The patrolman started the car. I moved away as he backed out.
Joanne and I walked around the building to her car. It was almost four in the morning. We got in and she started the car.
“Bastards,” I said to the policemen in the building, adding to Joanne, “There’s got to be a way to prove she didn’t do it.”
“If she didn’t,” Joanne said, as she pulled away.
“If? What do you mean if?” I demanded angrily.
“People make mistakes.”
“Let me out,” I said, suddenly furious. “Just fucking let me out of the car.” I opened the door even though we were still going.
Joanne jammed on the brakes. She grabbed my arm. I tried to pull away. She reached with her other hand and got the back of my neck, pulling me roughly back in the car.
“You idiot,” she said harshly. “You damned idiot. What good are you going to do anyone by running off half-cocked like that?”
“How can you think she did it?” I spat back.
“I don’t. At this point I don’t know anything was done.” She shook me harshly and pulled me closer. “I haven’t seen an autopsy report and I don’t know how that girl died.” I felt her fingers pressing into the back of my neck, tightly, angrily. “It may have nothing to do with Cordelia,” she finished.
“What if she died of a botched abortion?”
“I don’t know. Take things one step at a time.”
“She didn’t kill that woman,” I stated.
“People make mistakes,” Joanne replied tersely.
I grabbed Joanne by the shirt.
“No, not Cordelia. You can’t say that.”
“Can you promise me she’s perfect? That her hand can’t slip? You’ve seen how tired she is,” Joanne retorted.
“Maybe not that. But I can promise you that if she did make a mistake, she wouldn’t let the woman die, then dump her in some dirty basement to cover it up. Not Cordelia.”
Joanne didn’t say anything. But her grip slowly loosened, finally turning into an embrace, her hand gently rubbing the back of my neck.
“No, not Cordelia,” she finally said.
I let go of her shirt, resting my hands along the ridge of her collarbone.
“Will you help?” I asked. “Can you?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me. Alex and Cordelia have been friends since junior high. I could never explain—not to mention Danny.”
“Danny’ll help.”
“Yeah, if she can.”
“She’d better,” I replied.
I looked at Joanne. I felt pressure from her hand on the back of my neck pulling me closer. We kissed, the anger becoming passion.
“My place?” she whispered in my ear. “I think I’d better change clothes before I show up for work tomorrow.”
“Yes,” I assented, breathless from our kissing.
Joanne drove us to her apartment.
“Shower?” she asked as she let us in.
“Yeah,” I agreed, wanting very much to get the grime of this day washed off. “You first,” I offered.
“Together?” she amended.
We did, making love under the streaming water, then collapsing into bed and a good-night kiss. Then a kiss that wasn’t good night, sex taking us past exhaustion, so when we finally rolled away from each other, we had no choice but to sleep.