I shuddered.

Yes, surely I must have dreamt that Edward said anything positive about Heathcliff. And this page was probably not the page he'd been reading. The book could have fallen open to any page.

"And again, she's missing the obvious," Edward chuckled fondly.

"That's the end of the chapter," Jasper said and Carlisle took the book from him.

Chapter Twelve

Time

"Time," Carlisle read.

"I have forseen..." Alice began in an ominous tone.

Edward threw an elbow toward her ribs, which she neatly dodged.

"Too bad, Edward," Alice smirked.

"Fine," she grumbled. "Edward is making me do this. But I did foresee that you would be more difficult if I surprised you."

"What are you planning, Shorty?" Emmett asked excitedly.

"Don't know, but it should be good," Alice smiled.

We were walking to the car after school, and I was completely clueless as to what she was talking about.

"In English?" I requested.

"Don't be a baby about this. No tantrums."

Emmett was now smiling in anticipation.

"Now I'm scared."

"So you're - I mean we're - having a graduation party. It's no big thing. Nothing to freak out over. But I saw that you would freak out if I tried to make it a surprise party" - she danced out of the way as Edward reached over to muss her hair -

"Not going to happen," Alice said in a singsong voice.

"You're throwing her a party?" Emmett laughed. "That's got to be worse than prom for her - all the attention she will get for sure."

"Great," Edward groaned.

"I never had a graduation party before," Alice said, suddenly excited. "Think of the decorations that I could use...and the..."

"Poor Bella, she's going to be totally overwhelmed," Jasper sighed.

"Hey... who's side are you on?" Alice glared at him.

"Yours, always," Jasper smiled at her. "I can just relate to Bella's feelings towards parties."

"and Edward said I had to tell you. But it's nothing. Promise."

I sighed heavily. "Is there any point in arguing?"

"Nope! It's a done deal," Alice said.

"Yeah, there's no stopping the little elf once she gets like this," Emmett laughed. "You do realize that it's a year and a half away, right?"

"Hmph," Alice huffed.

"None at all."

"Okay, Alice. I'll be there. And I'll hate every minute of it. Promise."

"That's the spirit!

"She said she'll hate it," Edward narrowing his eyes at his sister.

"She said she'll be there," Alice shrugged. "That's all I really needed to hear."

By the way, I love my gift. You shouldn't have."

"That's really annoying, you know," Jasper said. "I can never surprise you."

"But you still try," Alice smiled at him. "Besides, you always surprise me, Jazz... Just not when you're actually giving me the gift."

"Alice, I didn't!"

"Oh, I know that. But you will."

I racked my brains in panic, trying to remember what I'd ever decided to get her for graduation that she might have seen.

"Amazing," Edward muttered. "How can someone so tiny be so annoying?"

Alice laughed. "It's a talent."

"Not one of your better ones," Edward laughed.

"Hey!" Alice glared at him.

"Couldn't you have waited a few weeks to tell me about this?" I asked petulantly. "Now I'll just be stressed that much longer."

Alice frowned at me.

"Bella," she said slowly. "Do you know what day it is?"

"Monday?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes. It is Monday . . . the fourth." She grabbed my elbow, spun me halfway around, and pointed toward a big yellow poster taped to the gym door. There, in sharp black letters, was the date of graduation. Exactly one week from today.

Edward stiffened at that.

"It's going to be okay, Edward," Esme soothed.

"Yeah, Eddy, she's just turning into a vampire... it's not the end of the world," Emmett smiled.

"But..." Edward started, his eyes looking pained.

"We know," Alice said, "but you can't change what's coming in these books... so just deal with it."

"Right," Edward frowned, still looking glum.

"It's the fourth? Of June? Are you sure?"

Neither one answered. Alice just shook her head sadly, feigning disappointment, and Edward's eyebrows lifted.

"It can't be! How did that happen?" I tried to count backwards in my head, but I couldn't figure out where the days had gone.

I felt like someone had kicked my legs out from under me. The weeks of stress, of worry . . . somehow in the middle of all my obsessing over the time, my time had disappeared. My space for sorting through it all, for making plans, had vanished. I was out of time.

This time Edward eyes were narrow and his frown looked more upset than pained. "She's not ready."

And I wasn't ready.

I didn't know how to do this. How to say goodbye to Charlie and Renée . . . to Jacob . . . to being human.

I knew exactly what I wanted, but I was suddenly terrified of getting it.

In theory, I was anxious, even eager to trade mortality for immortality. After all, it was the key to staying with Edward forever. And then there was the fact that I was being hunted by known and unknown parties. I'd rather not sit around, helpless and delicious, waiting for one of them to catch up with me.

"Don't even think about the last one," Edward frowned. "It doesn't matter. And you would be with me for your forever either way..."

In theory, that all made sense.

In practice . . . being human was all I knew. The future beyond that was a big, dark abyss that I couldn't know until I leaped into it.

This simple knowledge, today's date - which was so obvious that I must have been subconsciously repressing it - made the deadline I'd been impatiently counting down toward feel like a date with the firing squad.

Edward flinched and everyone else looked wary, even Emmett. It was one thing if she was willing, but knowing that she was terrified made her transformation seem much more ominous.

In a vague way, I was aware of Edward holding the car door for me, of Alice chattering from the backseat, of the rain hammering against the windshield. Edward seemed to realize I was only there in body; he didn't try to pull me out of my abstraction. Or maybe he did, and I was past noticing.

We ended up at my house, where Edward led me to the sofa and pulled me down next to him. I stared out the window, into the liquid gray haze, and tried to find where my resolve had gone. Why was I panicking now? I'd known the deadline was coming. Why should it frighten me that it was here?

"It's the last step she has to overcome," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "Actually, I'm happy that she's thinking this way..."

"Why?" Edward glared at him. "She terrified."

"And she should be," Carlisle explained. "This is a major life... er... existence-changing event. I was worried before that she was taking this all too lightly. That she was just going to stubbornly stick to her decision because she made her mind up long ago. Or because she thought she was a weakness to this family or a threat to it…but now she's really thinking about it, thinking about all the consequences of the decision and all there is to be gained by it."

"Do you think that she will change her mind?" Edward asked, sounding hopeful.

"It's difficult to say," Carlisle sighed. "She has to look deep inside herself and see what she really wants..."

"Then she'll still want to change," Alice said confidently, "because she wants you more than anything."

"Hmph... I said that she had me either way" Edward frowned.

The only way this really works is if she's a vampire too, Alice thought to Edward. Especially in these books, though you know it would be good... he gave her a death glare at that point... you know I'm not going to change her, I can't. But you have to see, in this reality at least, that it really is necessary that she change... with the way she's thinking and the Volturi out there... you know that's a threat even if you don't want to admit it. So, in the end, she'll decided to be with you as a vampire.

I don't know how long he let me stare out the window in silence. But the rain was disappearing into darkness when it was finally too much for him.

He put his cold hands on either side of my face and fixed his golden eyes on mine.

"Would you please tell me what you are thinking? Before I go mad?"

"That must be really hard on me," Edward said with a groan, "Knowing that she's that worried and not knowing why... or how to help."

What could I say to him? That I was a coward? I searched for words.

"Your lips are white. Talk, Bella."

I exhaled in a big gust. How long had I been holding my breath?

"The date took me off guard," I whispered. "That's all."

He waited, his face full of worry and skepticism.

I tried to explain. "I'm not sure what to do . . . what to tell Charlie . . . what to say . . . how to . . ." My voice trailed off.

"This isn't about the party?"

"Honestly, Edward, you don't think that she would be that worried about a stupid party," Alice said.

"No," Edward said. "But it might help her relax or at least distract her if I bring it up."

I frowned. "No. But thanks for reminding me."

The rain was louder as he read my face.

"You're not ready," he whispered.

"I am," I lied immediately, a reflex reaction. I could tell he saw through it, so I took a deep breath, and told the truth. "I have to be."

"You don't have to be anything."

I could feel the panic surfacing in my eyes as I mouthed the reasons. "Victoria, Jane, Caius, whoever was in my room . . . !"

"All the more reason to wait."

"Well, that doesn't make any sense," Emmett said.

"She's not changing out of fear!" Edward snapped.

"I get that," Emmett said, rolling his eyes, "but that doesn't mean it's a reason to wait. It shouldn't have an impact on her decision at all..."

"But it does," Edward said stubbornly, but otherwise let the matter drop.

"That doesn't make any sense, Edward!"

He pressed his hands more tightly to my face and spoke with slow deliberation.

"Bella. Not one of us had a choice. You've seen what it's done . . . to Rosalie especially. We've all struggled, trying to reconcile ourselves with something we had no control over. I won't let it be that way for you. You will have a choice."

"I've already made my choice."

"You aren't going through with this because a sword is hanging over your head. We will take care of the problems, and I will take care of you," he vowed. "When we're through it, and there is nothing forcing your hand, then you can decide to join me, if you still want to. But not because you're afraid. You won't be forced into this."

"Well said, Edward," Carlisle beamed.

"Yeah, that should help her get to the bottom of her feelings and see what she really wants faster," Alice smiled.

"Carlisle promised," I mumbled, contrary out of habit. "After graduation."

"Not until you're ready," he said in a sure voice. "And definitely not while you feel threatened."

I didn't answer. I didn't have it in me to argue; I couldn't seem to find my commitment at the moment.

"There." He kissed my forehead. "Nothing to worry about."

I laughed a shaky laugh. "Nothing but impending doom."

"Trust me."

"I do."

He was still watching my face, waiting for me to relax.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Anything."

I hesitated, biting my lip, and then asked a different question than the one I was worried about.

"I doubt that will fool me," Edward smiled.

"But I'm sure you'll let it distract you for a few minutes," Alice smiled too.

"What am I getting Alice for graduation?"

He snickered. "It looked like you were getting us both concert tickets -"

"That's right!" I was so relieved, I almost smiled. "The concert in Tacoma. I saw an ad in the paper last week, and I thought it would be something you'd like, since you said it was a good CD."

"It's a great idea. Thank you."

"I hope it's not sold out."

"It's the thought that counts. I ought to know."

"It matters to me too... it's what I see after all," Alice smiled.

I sighed.

"There's something else you meant to ask," he said.

I frowned. "You're good."

"I have lots of practice reading your face. Ask me."

I closed my eyes and leaned into him, hiding my face against his chest. "You don't want me to be a vampire."

"No, I don't," he said softly, and then he waited for more. "That's not a question," he prompted after a moment.

"Well . . . I was worrying about . . .why you feel that way."

"Worrying?" He picked out the word with surprise.

"Yeah, worrying, you idiot!" Alice hissed. "You think you could be venomously against her being a vampire and not have her worry about the obvious?"

"The obvious?" Edward asked.

"You not wanting her forever, Eddy," Emmett said. "Even I can see that one. Of course, it's only because I think you're being ridiculous about that, but still..."

"Well, that's not it," Edward grumbled.

"We're not the ones you need to tell," Esme said. "If this issue ever comes up in our reality, you have to make sure that she knows how you really feel, Edward. Tell her how you really feel and never let her doubt you."

"Right," Edward sighed.

"Would you tell me why? The whole truth, not sparing my feelings?"

He hesitated for a minute. "If I answer your question, will you then explain your question?"