Variations in Relational Development

Keep in mind that Knapp’s model is a general overview, not a specific predic­tion. It describes what often happens in relationships, not what inevitably hap­pens. If partners understand the problems they are facing, if they have basic interpersonal skills and sensitivities, and if they care enough, they can repair problematic relationships by exploring alternative forms of re­lating; taking on more functional roles; eliminating unhealthy interaction pat­terns; or searching for new ways to make the relationship rewarding.

In real life, couples do not always go through the stages together. One partner may think the relationship is at the casual, experimenting stage, whereas the other may believe the partners are ready to bond. Or one partner may be so busy at the office that he or she doesn’t notice that the other partner is cir­cumscribing.

Furthermore, not all couples take the same length of time to complete the steps. Some couples are cautious and take a long time before risking commitment. Others rush through the early stages. This latter course is dangerous; if one of the early stages is skipped or rushed, later stages may be unstable, like a building constructed with a faulty founda­tion. For relationships to last, couples must work out agreements and develop healthy interaction patterns, processes that take time.

Duck’s Relational Dissolution Model

In his relational dissolution model, Steve Duck looks at relational dissolution from a slightly different point of view. His model describes four kinds of work that individuals take on as they attempt to deal with a dissolving relationship. He calls these four phases the intrapsychic, dyadic, social, and grave-dressing phases. In Duck’s words, the intrapsychic phase is founded “on a sense of grievance and distress at the partner’s insensitivity or incapacity to fulfill one’s needs adequately.” The dissatisfied individual goes over and over the relation­ship in his or her mind, focusing on the partner’s negative behaviors and on the costs of staying in the relationship. The costs of leaving are also computed, as well as the possible rewards of entering alternative relationships. In this phase the partner who is unhappy evaluates the relationship and decides whether or not to say anything. The stress here is individual rather than dyadic, as one part­ner decides upon his or her best course of action.

In the dyadic phase, partners confront one another. They talk about their problems, deciding whether their relationship has enough positive aspects to keep them together and, if so, finding ways to repair the damage. If the partners decide to end the relationship, they deal with people outside the relationship in the social phase, announcing the breakup, letting friends and acquaintances know their sides of the story, and dealing with others’ reactions. They also nego­tiate the shape any future contact will take.

Finally, in the grave-dressing phase, each party determines the meaning of the couple’s time together, deciding what went wrong and what went right. In a sense, each looks for a way to rationalize the relationship and decides what to remember from it. This process is important because it affects future behavior and self-respect.

Duck insists that partners need a different set of communication skills to handle each phase. Although he does not specify in great detail what these skills are, it is possible to speculate about some of them. The abilities to think clearly and to interpret one’s own feelings and behaviors, as well as those of one’s part­ner, seem to be basic skills needed in the intrapsychic phase. Often relation­ships dissolve because partners lack empathy or because they have unrealistic expectations. Relational dissolution can be extremely stressful, and the interven­tion of a third party (a therapist or objective friend) can often help an individ­ual clarify his or her feelings and perceive the situation more objectively.

In the dyadic phase, the couple needs good negotiation and conflict resolu­tion skills. To work out their difficulties, they must discuss the relationship open­ly, without offending one another and without repressing their feelings. The abil­ity to give straightforward feedback and to disclose personal feelings honestly is important here. In the social and grave-dressing phases, still wider skills are needed as partners communicate the news of the breakup to friends and ac­quaintances; reformulate their social circles; and come to understand how the re­lationship has affected them and how it will affect future interactions.