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Joan Opyr - Shaken and Stirred.docx
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I shook my head emphatically. “No way. She’ll have gravy,” I said to the woman with the hairnet, “and so will I.”

She pushed two trays over the steam shield. Abby sighed heavily. We both passed on the chocolate pudding. The skin on top was so thick it looked like the outer casing of a Nerf ball. Abby snapped the lid on a cup of Pepsi and shoved a straw through the hole.

“What’s the matter with you,” she said. “Do you want to eat this stuff?”

“No. I also don’t want to go to lunch with Dave.”

“You’re going to dinner with him. You’ve got his hopes up.”

We threaded our way through the crowded tables, finally settling in a secluded spot next to the fire exit, as far as out of Mr. Chisholm’s line of sight as possible.

“We’re not on the barter system. One dinner doesn’t equal a relationship.”

“What does equal a relationship?”

I frowned, thinking.

“Don’t pull a muscle,” she said. “I was just wondering.”

I spotted Kim, Alan, Joe, and Nick and waved to them.

“Five per table,” I said, holding up my right hand with the index and middle fingers folded down. Everyone laughed except Abby, who was busy using her fork to make a gravy moat for her castle of mashed potatoes.

Ten minutes later, Dave came waltzing in with a bag from Hardee’s. Abby shot me an evil glare. Fortunately, there was no room on either side of us, so he pulled up a chair between Nick and Joe.

“I hope you’re happy,” Abby whispered after a minute or two. She waved a piece of Salisbury steak at me, shaking congealed drops of gravy onto the table. “I could’ve had a hamburger.”

“Why don’t you go out with him, then?” I whispered. I took the fork from her hand and put it down on her tray. “Stop threatening me with that toxic waste.”

I looked out the window. The table next to the fire exit overlooked the students’ smoking lounge, which was where the kids in black Judas Priest T-shirts hung out. A girl in a motorcycle jacket caught my eye. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, she had all the hallmarks of the classic butch bar dyke, aggressive posture, shag haircut, and a bored expression. All she needed was a pool cue. We stared at one another for a moment. Then she leaned forward and thrust her head at me in a fuck-you gesture. I looked away.

“Abby,” I said. “Don’t look up, but that girl . . .”

I was interrupted by the ubiquitous Mr. Chisholm.

“You kids are blocking the fire exit,” he said. “There should be no more than five students sitting at this table. Five.”

Kim and Alan jumped apart as if they’d been shocked with a cattle prod. Nick and Joe stopped playing quarters with their soda cups. Abby and I tried to look innocent.

Mr. Chisholm glared at us. “I warned you. For kids who are supposed to be so smart, you’re pretty stupid. Five,” he said again, holding up his right hand.

“How many was that?” I asked Abby.

“Three and a half,” she replied.

We spent the next hour in the Principal’s office, trying to explain why we thought it was appropriate to mock the victims of Vocational Ed.

It was half past seven when Susan called, and I had to spend fifteen minutes arguing with my mother about whether or not I could go out on a Monday. I won, but only after promising to be back by eleven. It was eight before we actually pulled out of the driveway. We arrived at the drive-in forty-five minutes into Terms of Endearment.

I watched enough of the movie to know that Debra Winger died and Jack Nicholson drove Shirley Maclaine up a beach while steering the car with his feet. It was a cloudy night with no moon. Susan turned the volume on the speaker down. Pictures flashed on the screen. Two hours after my curfew, I went home to face the wrath of Barbara Koslowski. It was worth it.

Susan was squinting at me in the dim light. She’d given me a choice between an Indian restaurant and an Irish Pub on Franklin Street. I’d gone for the Pub. Though she’d only had half a glass of wine, her cheeks were flushed. Of necessity, I was drinking coffee. The only thing worse than being too young to drink, I decided, was having a girlfriend who was just old enough. I felt so obvious ordering a Coke or a glass of water. Coffee was the next best thing to beer or wine. It was the sophisticated choice. For emphasis, I ordered it black, though I preferred it with cream.

“Do you believe that story about your great-grandmother?”