- •I looked away, and sighed, and said quite guilelessly: 'Oh, I do wish that I might see Miss Butler again!'
- •I said, 'You shut up.'
- •I had said too much - but it was that, or say nothing.
- •Chapter 2
- •I blinked. 'To go with you? But how?'
- •I said it would be long enough; and she placed the faded rose upon the bed, and seized my hands and squeezed them hard.
- •I gazed at Kitty, and my face, I suppose, showed my amazement, for she laughed, and stroked my cheek, then seized my hand and held it.
- •I looked at my plate, and felt myself redden, until Mrs Dendy, still busy with her platter, held a piece of quivering meat my way and coughed: 'a bit of tongue, Miss Astley dear?'
- •It was in these spirits that I began to make my way back to
- •I, too, flushed at the lady's words. What she had said was strange, was shocking - and yet, I guessed, might easily be
- •I said - I didn't know what else to say -1 said, 'Am I then so - special?'
- •I was not sure that I had heard her properly. 'The morning?' I said. 'Do you mean that I should stay?'
- •I never thought to ask what happened to the beggar in the tale, once the five hundred days came to an end.
- •I did so, and Maria cried again, 'What a find!'
- •I gave her a wink. 'Come over here, and let's have a fag.'
- •I said, 'What is it you do exactly, Mrs Fryer? Some of these look very fine.'
- •I felt suffocated, all at once, by my own story, and by the meanings she was teasing from it. 'I can't explain,' I said. 'She had a power over me. She was rich. She had - things.'
- •I still held her to the bed, and Cyril still cried; but now, by some miracle, his cries began to die - and Florence, in her turn, grew slack in my arms, and turned her head against me.
- •Vjnapter 19
- •I sucked at my lip. 'Some joker is sure to shout "Hurrah" at that point, you know.'
- •I swallowed. 'You harmed me, Kitty. It was you that harmed me.'
- •I nodded. Then, 'Would you care,' I asked quietly, 'if I went?'
I felt suffocated, all at once, by my own story, and by the meanings she was teasing from it. 'I can't explain,' I said. 'She had a power over me. She was rich. She had - things.'
'First you told me it was a gent that threw you out. Then you said it was a lady. I thought, that you had lost some girl ..."
'I had lost a girl; but it was Kitty, and it was years before.'
'And Diana was rich; and blacked your eye and cut you, and you let her. And then she chucked you out because you -kissed her maid.' Her voice had grown steadily harder. 'What happened to herT
'I don't know. I don't know!'
We lay a while in silence, and the bed seemed suddenly terribly slim. Florence gazed at the lightening square of curtain at the window, and I watched her, miserably. When she put a finger to her mouth to chew at a nail. I lifted my hand to stop her; but she pushed my arm away, and made to rise.
'Where are you going?' I asked.
'Upstairs. I want to sit a little while and think.'
'No!' I cried; and as I cried it, Cyril, in his crib upstairs, woke up, and began to call out for his mother. I reached for Florence and seized her wrist and, all heedless of the baby's cries, pulled her back and pressed her to the bed. 'I know what you mean to do,' I said. 'You mean to go and think of Lilian!'
'I cannot help but think of Lilian!' she answered, stricken. 'I cannot help it. And you - you're just the same, only I never knew it. Don't say - don't say you weren't thinking of her, of Kitty, last night, as you kissed me!'
I took a breath - but then I hesitated. For it was true, I
432
couldn't say it. It was Kitty I had kissed first and hardest; and it was as if I had had the shape or the colour or the taste of her kisses upon my lips, ever after. Not the spendings and the tears of all the weeping sods of Soho, nor the wine and the damp caresses of Felicity Place, had quite washed those kisses away. I had always known it - but it had never matter with Diana, nor with Zena. Why should it matter with Florence?
What should it matter who she thought of, as she kissed me?
'All I know is,' I said at last, 'if we had not lain together last night, we would have died of it. And if you tell me now we shall never lie together again, after that, that was so marvellous -!'
I still held her to the bed, and Cyril still cried; but now, by some miracle, his cries began to die - and Florence, in her turn, grew slack in my arms, and turned her head against me.
'I liked to think of you,' she said quietly, 'as Venus in a sea-shell. I never thought of the sweethearts you had, before you came here ..."
'Why must you think of them now?'
'Because you do! Suppose Kitty were to show up again, and ask you back to her?'
'She won't. Kitty's gone, Flo. Like Lilian. Believe me, there's more chance of her coming back!' I began to smile. 'And if she does, you can go to her, and I won't say a word. And if Kitty comes for me, you can do similar. And then, I suppose, we shall have our paradises - and will be able to wave to one another from our separate clouds. But till then - till then, Flo, can't we go on kissing, and just be glad?'
As lovers' vows go, this one was, I suppose, rather curious; but we were girls with curious histories - girls with pasts like boxes with ill-fitting lids. We must bear them, but bear them carefully. We should do very well, I thought, as Florence sighed and raised her hand to me at last; we should do very well, so long as the boxes stayed unspilled.