Отрицание в монологической и диалогической речи - Паранук Л.Г. и др

ДОПОЛНИТЕЛЬНОЕ ЧТЕНИЕ

LETS HAVE SOME FUN

JOKES, LAUGHS, SMILES

«When I serve dinner should I say, 'Dinner is ready' or 'Dinner is served'?» the new cook asked her mistress. «If you cook it the way you cooked it yesterday, just say, Dinner is ruined'," said the lady of the house.

The American Tourist in England

He was an American tourist in London and had hired a guide to show him the

city.

«How long did it take to build this house?» he asked his guide as they passed a large hotel building.

«Why, about six months".

«Six months!» exclaimed the American. «Why, it wouldn't take us more than six weeks to put up a building like that in New York".

They passed an office building which was quite new. «And how long did it take to build that?»

«About four weeks», answered the guide.

"Four weeks!» said the American. «In New York we'd build a place like that in four days."

Nothing more was said until they approached the Houses of Parliament. «Well, that's not a bad - looking place. How long did it take you to build it?» «Well, you may not believe me», answered the guide, «but that building was-

n't there when I crossed the bridge last night".

I TRIED HARD BUT...

(At the airport)

HANS: It's hardly possible, sir. I'm afraid the plane is completely full, and there isn't another flight until 17.00 hours.

P. This is stupid. I left my hotel more than two hours ago in order to get here in time. And what happened? My taxi driver couldn't drive at more than 10 miles an hour because of the traffic.

H. I'm sorry, sir. I'll try Air France for you...I tried hard, but I'm afraid all their planes are full too.

P.You English make me angry. Why can't you build, better roads?

H. I agree with you, sir, English traffic is very bad. Now, if you will excuse me, there's another gentleman here...

P. It was the same yesterday. I flew from Liverpool to London. I spent one hour at the airport, three - quarters of an hour in the plane - and three - and three and a half hours on the road. When I reached my hotel in Piccadilly, you can hardly believe it, but dinner was over. ,,

H.I'm sorry, sir. Now, if you don't mind...

P. You English do everything slowly. Now in my country...

H. So we're slow, are we? Then it's because of people like you. You talk too much and take up too much of my time. I really must attend to this gentleman, sir.

P.You English always stick together.

H. I must disappoint you, sir. I'm not English. I'm a ' foreigner - like

you.

IF I WERE

-If I were you, I wouldn't see too much of young Brown.

-Why, shouldn't I, Dad? What's wrong with him?

-Well, Kate, if you were older, you'd understand. -And if you were younger, perhaps you might like him

-If I were in your place, I'd be very careful in choosing friends. -If you were in my place, you wouldn't choose differently.

-Young people aren't what they used to be. If I were Minister of Education, I'd do something about it.

- If I were Queen, I'd have a young Minister of Education.

HELEN IS BORED

Phil: Huloo, Helen. How are you getting on? is your foot better? Helen: Thank you, Phil. It's little better, but I still can't walk. Ph. What a nuisance! That must be very boring for you.

H. It is. I've been alone in the house since break-fast time

I have being alone. I haven't seen anybody. I haven't spoken to anybody. Nobody has even telephoned me.

Ph. Have you got anything to read?

H. I've got several detective stories but I've read then all. Ph. I've bought some new records. You haven't heard then yet.

H. What are they?

Ph. Songs and some dance music. They're very good records. It's a pity you're not well. We're going to dance tonight - Bod and Anna, Fred and Jane. It's a pity you can't come.

H. Who says I can't?

Ph. But, Helen, you can't come. If I were in you

сplace. I'd ...

H. You'd ...! I can't walk but I can dance. Of course I'm coming. Ph. Well, I never!

COLLEGE HUMOUR

Voice on phone: «John Smith is sick and can't attend classes today. He requested me to notify you».

Prof: «All right. Who is speaking?» Voice: «This is my roommate»

Prof.: «A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer". Stud.: «No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!»

THE CLOCK THAT WOULD NOT GO

«Henry», said a lady to her husband, «I can't think what's wrong with the clock. I wish you would see what you can do to make it go". He took off the hands and the face and looked carefully with a magnifying glass at the works. Then he cleaned them, oiled them well, and in fact did everything he could think of. But the clock would not go. He went to bed hot, tired, and discouraged.

Next morning his wife said, «Henry, I think I know what the matter is». «Well?»

«It wants winding up".

COLLEGE HUMOUR

***

English prof.: «What is the difference between an active verb and passive verb?»Stud.: «An active verb shows action and a passive verb shows passion".

***

Prof.: «Wake up that fellow next to you". Stud.: «You do it, prof., you put him to sleep".

***

A son at college wrote his father. «No mon, no fun, your son". The father answered

«How sad, too bad, your dad".

***

In one of college classes the professor was unable to stay for the class, so he placed a sign on the door which read as follows: «Professor Blank will be unable to

meet his classes to - day".

Some college lad, seeing his chance to display his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the «c» in the word «classes». The professor no

ticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the

sign with the «c» erased - calmly walked up and erased the «L» in «Lasses», looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

***

When Did He Have His hair Cut?

Young man with long hair: Are you the barber who cut my hair last? Barber: Couldn't be. I've been here only six months.

***

Time to Use Umbrella

«Little boy, said a man, «why do you carry that umbrella over your head? Is it not raining and the sun isn't shining".

«I carry it now», answered the boy, «because when it rains Pa wants it, and only when the weather is good I can use it".

***

Because He Is an Elder Brother.

«Ma, «said a little girl, «Willie wants the biggest piece of cake, and I think I must have it, because he was eating cakes two years before I was born".

***

Is It a Hobby

For a school task the eight-year-old daughter had to list her parenrs' hobbies. Under the heading of «Father» she listed golf, gardening, swimming and painting.

Under mother she put «Ironing».

***

Reading Without Listening.

A mother saw that her small daughter was reading a book. «What are you reading, dear?» she asked.

I don't know? You were reading aloud, so you must know".

«I was reading aloud, Mummy, but I was not listening», the child explained.

***

The Cat, the Mouse and the Piece of Cheese.

Mr. Smith had been to the shops and bought a cat, a mouse and a large piece of cheese. Then he had to cross the road to his car. He could only carry one of the things he'd bought at a time. And he couldn't leave the mouse alone with the cheese, because it would eat that.

***

A Very Good Son

«Have you a family, madam?» «Yes, one son".

«Does he smoke»? «No, he doesn't".

«That's very good. Tobacco is a poison. Your son must be a very good young man. How old is he»? «Four months today".

***

Fresh Fish

A man once went to buy some fish. He wanted to be sure that fish was quite fresh. So he bent down to smell it.

The fishmonger said, «What do you mean by smelling my fish?»

«I'm not smelling the fish», the man answered quickly, I'm talking to it. I was asking it for the latest news from the sea, but it says it can't tell me. It's such a long time since it was there".

***

Teacher: Why isn' your friend Harold at school to-day, Willie?

Willie: Sir, we were playing at «who could lean out of the window farthest» and he won!

***

An Englishman who was driving along a country1" road met a farmer carrying a heavy bag.

«Can I take you into town? «the Englishman asked. The farmer said «Thank you, «and got into the car.

In a few minutes the driver saw that the farmer was sitting with the heavy bag still in his hand.

«Why don't you put your bag down?» he asked.

«Well, answered the farmer, you've given me a ride in your car. I can't ask you to carry my bag as well»

***

He Needs Training

«Mammy, I want to be an Arctic explorer... » «That’s fine, my boy".

«But, Mummy, I want to go into training at once. Please give me some money for ice-cream, so that I can get used to the cold".