- •Author's Note
- •Chapter 1
- •It was a short list. My mom; my dad; my (sigh) stepmother, Antonia; her
- •It's not happening."
- •I glared at the two of them, but Tina and Eric kept babbling. I wasn't sure if they were ignoring me or honestly hadn't heard, so I took the mature route and just spoke louder.
- •I had to admit, I had no idea what Antonia (the werewolf, not my stepmother) saw in him.
- •Chapter 2
- •Chapter 3
- •In the movies, everybody would have stopped; Alonzo did, but Sophie was still shrieking and clawing at him, and I saw her tear a huge strip of skin off his shaved scalp.
- •Chapter 4
- •I turned to Alonzo. "This is quite a spot you've put me in."
- •I rolled up the sleeves of my special, Garrett-knitted, baby blue sweater. "Hey, you wanna go? Let's go. But you won't be picking on a kid waitress this time."
- •Chapter 5
- •I slumped lower on the couch. "Don't remind—wait. You think they should have stopped by sooner?"
- •Chapter 6
- •I crossed my legs and pointed my toe, an old trick that called attention to my (if I do say so myself—there weresome advantages to being a six-foot-tall dork) good legs. "Thanks," I said.
- •Chapter 7
- •It occurred to me, not for the first time, that I had very little clue what
- •I stuck a finger in Alonzo's bemused face. "Don't even think about it."
- •I trudged back to the parlor, laden with bags of baby crap and, of course, the baby.
- •Chapter 8
- •Chapter 9
- •I heard a car door slam outside and, annoyingly, Tina and Sinclair looked completely unsurprised.
- •I didn't knowwhat it was. But I could see the white Walgreens prescription bag peeking out of her purse. All of a sudden, I didn't want to be in this meeting.
- •Chapter 10
- •I died."
- •I glared up at her. "When I get off this floor I'm kicking the shit out of you.
- •Chapter 11
- •Chapter 12
- •I shivered. "Eric, I love you, but sometimes you give mesuch a case of the creeps."
- •Chapter 13
- •Chapter 14
- •Chapter 15
- •I, the fucking family calendar?
- •I didn't. Marjorie waited for me to catch on. I quietly trusted she had packed a lunch. Finally, she said, "Page forty-seven."
- •Chapter 16
- •I was beginning to feel like I was spending half my (new) life in parlors.
- •I nearly walked into a melting snowbank. "Seriously? You're asking me?" "I am but a loyal subject. Your will is my will."
- •I laughed.
- •Chapter 17
- •I slung my coat into the mudroom closet, kicked off my boots, and made for the kitchen.
- •I slunk into one of the chairs. "What people? It's her, and it's Liam. And no.
- •Chapter 18
- •I was hurt. Well, pretending to be. "Are you thaying I thould be athamed?
- •I glared. "You know, most sensible people would be scared of me."
- •Chapter 19
- •In fact, he'd shown up here a few months ago when he heard about my impending unholy nuptials. The gist of our conversation:
- •I could almost hear Sinclair in my head:Then don't .
- •I stammered, trying to say five things at once.
- •Chapter 20
- •I made a face. "Don't remind me."
- •Chapter 21
- •I had to laugh. The animals! Apparently all these studies had been done about how soothing and restful nursing home inmates—uh, residents—found live-in cats, dogs, and birds.
- •I shuddered, imagining Grandpa's wrath. As a member of The Greatest
- •Chapter 22
- •I stirred my tea, and simmered next to it. Like Korben Dallas inThe Fifth
- •I swung open the door.
- •I took a step forward, fragile baby-and-poop bomb bouncing tenderly in my arms. My mouth was beginning to hurt. "Sometimes, I just feel like I'm going to break, you know what I mean? Can you imagine?"
- •Chapter 23
- •Chapter 24
- •I swallowed my irritation. Cathie had had a hard life. Or death, rather. She was lonely. She was bitchy. I was the only person she could bug. Talk to, rather.
- •Chapter 25
- •It took a long time to find the door.
- •Chapter 26
- •I tried to squash the traitorous thought
- •Chapter 27
- •Chapter 28
- •It was coming from Alonzo's body.
- •Chapter 29
- •I looked around at the others. "When you use euphemisms like 'take care of it' and stuff, are we, I just wanted to make sure, are we talking about the same thing?"
- •I turned and walked a little ways away from the group. "Then you came over here and did it?"
- •I closed the phone and turned back to the group. "Okay! Where were we?
- •Chapter 30
- •I shook my head; if he was looking for answers, he had the wrong girl. "I'm so fucking thirsty right now," I admitted, "it's hard to get worked up about anything."
- •I followed her, groaning. What fresh hell was this? Couldn't I ever get a break? And why was Jess even bothering me with this stuff? She knew I
I stirred my tea, and simmered next to it. Like Korben Dallas inThe Fifth
Element , I was sure all communications were ultimately bad news. Why hasten it by cutting out the middle man?
"Uh-huh," Jessica was saying. "I'm not sure that's—uh-huh… yeah… yeah, but—listen, I'm just not sure if—let me just ask her, okay? She's right—hello?"
Jessica hung up and looked at me.
"Hours later or a day late?"
"Your stepmother won't be able to get the baby for another couple of hours." Jessica looked at the clock on the wall. "It's still early. I guess she—uh—lost track of—look, this doesn't prove your stupid telephone theory, okay?"
I could hear BabyJon's fretful squealing getting closer and closer. Then the kitchen door opened and Sinclair poked his head in. "The baby wants you," he called, and the door swung shut. Then I saw the door open again as Sinclair held the port-a-crib in his arms. It was a little too wide, fully open and extended, to go through the door, so Sinclair squished it a little and it popped through.
I leaped to my feet as Jessica cracked up. "You carried the whole crib down here? Stop that, you'refolding him up in it!"
"He has plenty of room on all sides," Sinclair said, louder, to be heard over BabyJon's escalating wails.
"Just pick him up! Or leave him there and come and get me, jeez." I picked him up and he quieted. "Don't blame you for that one, yes, Uncle Sinclair is a big poopie-head, isn't he?"
"I am not his uncle," he replied, making a beeline for the liquor cabinet, "and if I was, it would be Uncle Eric."
"It's Uncle Schmuck right now, bud! I can't believe you just dragged the whole thing down here, all unfolded and everything…"
"He seems fine," Sinclair said, dumping a shot of brandy into an empty teacup, which he then filled with hot water from the kettle.
"We're out of English Breakfast, so ha."
"I will struggle along." He gave the baby a look. "You are expecting your stepmother presently, yes?"
"She's running late." "Hours late or a day late?"
How well they were coming to know the Ant! It was enough to make me want to cry. No, that was the smell BabyJon's diaper was giving off.
"Hours," I said, nearly choking.
"I think that kid does have supernatural powers," Jessica observed as I gagged and looked around wildly for the diaper bag. "Powers in his pants."
"You guys. He's just a baby, doing what all babies do." I could hear the resonant chime of our front door bell. "Maybe that's the Ant!"
Sinclair called something out to me, but I didn't hear it. Okay, wasn't listening. Anyway, I practically galloped through the rooms and the halls that led to the front door. All would be forgiven if I could get out of changing this one sinister diaper.
I swung open the door.
"Majesty," the strange but familiar vampire said. She had a calm center that resembled Alonzo's. Had she been with the European delegation? Yes, I believed she had. Her small stature and close-cropped carroty red hair jogged my memory along. "I beg your indulgence in coming by without an appointment."
"Uh." I shifted BabyJon to my other arm. "That's okay. Uh—" "Carolina." "Right. Carolina. What's up." "I was just—" She looked around on the front step.
"Oh! Sorry, come in."
"Thank you, Majesty." She followed me in and swung the big door shut. "I will not keep you long. I was only wondering if you had decided Alonzo's fate." She seemed perfectly calm, but she couldn't have been. Unless she saw me as no threat whatsoever, and decided to swing by the mansion on the way to Caribou Coffee.
"You were? Wondering, I mean?"
"Yes, ma'am. We all are. Alonzo most of all, of course, but he has surprisingly little to say about you, which is frustrating for the rest of us, as you can imagine." She gave me a small, hopeful smile as if to say,Isn't all this just so silly ?
"Well, it's nice of you to check in." She shrugged. "He is my cousin."
"Oh! I didn't know that."
She looked puzzled, and rubbed her nose for a moment. Then rubbed it again. Maybe she was trying to get rid of the freckles. "We were introduced."
"Right, right. Well, about that—I'm sorry you guys are sort of stuck there waiting—you don't have to—" I realized what I was saying and stopped. Of course, they had to. She in particular, if they were family. Family! Real honest to God family; here I'd thought I was the only vampire with blood relatives. And what were the others supposed to do while this little Sophie/Alonzo/Liam triangle was resolved? Blow town and leave their buddy to swing?
But they couldn't exactly go around doing their normal vampire things while this was hanging over their head. And they had to be wondering if they were all going to be painted with the same brush when, and if, Alonzo was punished. Trouble was… "I didn't mean to leave you guys all waiting."
"Majesty, it is too bold of me to come by and ask your intentions, but it would not be the first time my curiosity led me down a sorry path."
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"Do you smell something horrible?" she asked, looking at my brother.
"Yeah, well, he's had a lot of bottles today—" "That is yourbrother ?" "Yeah. Look, that's a whole other—" "I thought you only had a sister." "Right, the devil's daughter, but—" "But how interesting! You must tell me more."
BabyJon blatted and I felt his diaper get warmer. And heavier.No! Hull integrity would not hold! She's losing it, Captain, she's losing it !
"Carolina!"
She jumped, and I continued before she could react further. "Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't talk to you right now. Everything's just a mess: my best friend's horribly sick and my other friend's got a crush on Alonzo, I'm stuck
babysitting hours past what I agreed to, this kid is shitting up every diaper he gets near, one of my subjects wants to turn her human boyfriend, my birthday's at the end of the week and I'm off blood, my grandpa's sick and he's moving in just down the street, I got shot in the chest with holy water by a young farm boy with a crush on me, and my life story is the promising new fall book. On top of that, I haven't done a fucking thing to prepare for my wedding in three months. It is—how do you say this in Europe?—justnot a fucking good time right now !"
Carolina had backed up until her back was flat against the door. "So sorry to intrude," she said.