I did some quiet meditation and had a nice glass of scotch. Although tempted to have many more glasses, I took some Melatonin and went to bed. At 3:00 am my phone rang.

With a sinking feeling I answered.

“Hello?”

“Anything worth having is worth suffering for, isn’t it?” I recognized her voice first and the line from Days of Wine and Roses second. Jesus. She’s waking me up at 3 AM loaded and still she quotes movies.

“Janine. It’s 3 AM. What happened to you?” I had gone to bed angry, but the moment I heard her voice it all went away. I didn’t like that, not one bit, it gave her a lot of control without my permission.

“Baby doll, I’m soooo sorry! Some friends showed up, and I went out for a while, and one thing led to another, and, well, I guess I’m still out. I’m pretty drunk.”

Duh. “And it didn’t occur to you to call until now?” I hated how that sounded, chiding and shaming.

“The night got away from me. I’m really drunk. And really high.”

“You said that already.”

“Can I take a cab and come to you? I need you.”

And there it was. It didn’t matter what time it was or what she’d done, my desire to be near her canceled everything. I 51

knew this was bad. I knew I would let her walk all over me. But what if she didn’t want to? I mean, this was a first offense, right?

Maybe she just made a mistake. And so the first brick in the foundation of my denial was cemented into place.

“Okay.”

When the cab rolled up in front of my apartment I had to help her out of it, and I had to pay the driver. I carried her up the stairs, kicked the door closed behind me, and gently put her down on my couch.

“What am I going to do with you, kiddo?”

“Is there any pizza left?” she asked.

“You know, I held out hope you would still show up until like ten. Stupid, foolish, I guess.”

She kissed me in response. Then she pulled away and started to cry. “I was afraid,” she said.

“Afraid of what?”

“How I feel. I remembered we had plans, Maggie; I blew you off on purpose. Then I went out with my friends to try to forget you, but I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“I told you. I’m afraid. I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love, Maggie. But I know I’ve thought I was. And it always goes bad.

Always. Like I’m just incapable or something. I always do this thing, I…I…”

“Self-sabotage?” I offered.

“Yeah. I guess you’d call it that. You scare the hell out of me.”

“You scare me too, but I keep showing up for this. Don’t you think I worry? Don’t you think I tried to forget you when you were in LA? I know where you’re career is going…you could have anyone you wanted. That frightens me. But when I see you I forget all that. I can’t help it Janine, I want to be with you. I don’t know how to do this either, I never have. I’m a self-sabotager myself. I’m mostly a garden variety drunk who got lucky with a great job and a cool place to live, but I really am just very lost most of the time.”

I got quiet for a moment. “Are you even going to remember this conversation tomorrow?”

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She smiled. “The cab ride was sobering. It still amazes me we don’t hear about more cabby accidents and fatalities.”

“Honey. Listen to me. You are maybe the only woman I have been with where I haven’t been anyone but me from the very first night. You make me feel naked, and vulnerable, and crazy. I think maybe that’s what love is, I don’t know. The world is insane. What I want more than anything is to stand with you, holding your hand, beneath a sheltering sky, letting passion run its due course. Maybe we will be a disaster. But maybe not, anything is possible. I’m not much of a religious person, but I do think in spiritual terms sometimes, and it seems to me that this—

you, me, us—is, I don’t know how else to say it—meant to be, meant to happen. I feel like I have looked for you my whole life, even when I didn’t know I was searching. Like you… just reached in, and put a string of lights around my heart.” I’d been waiting for the right moment to get a Desert Hearts quote into my conversations with Janine.

“Best dyke movie ever,” she said. “But I’ve got a better one for this moment. When Harry Met Sally. ‘ When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.’ I’m so sorry about tonight. Can you forgive me?”

“If you tell me we can try, that we can be honest with each other. Then yes.”

“Okay. Let’s do this. You get to be you and I get to be me, for better or worse.” She hugged me. “You’re not going to like me very much tomorrow.”

“You’re right.” I said. “But I will have forgiven you by mid-afternoon.”

“We have a show at CBGB’s in three weeks. Wil you come?”

My rock and roll girlfriend. Unbelievable. But this was happening. I had no idea what to expect, I was only glad in that moment she was there. I could look into her eyes, I could smell her perfume, she was, just then, undeniably mine. Maybe what I had said was true, I had been looking for her my whole life. I just knew I was willing to try, no matter what, I was willing to try and make this work.

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