- •Visit jms-books.Com for more information.
- •Chapter 1
- •I decided to play along. Perhaps she wasn’t so much of a snob, or even straight for that matter.
- •Chapter 2
- •I fought off the cracking in my voice and said, “Well, I guess we’ll be going shopping first, before I make an attempt at showing you how much like those damn romantics I can be.”
- •I navigated southern Jersey easily; I’d been doing it all my life. When you’re from there, you’re entire youth and much or your teen years are absorbed by the draw of the Atlantic Ocean.
- •I weaved a tale I’d relived in my head over and over for several years.
- •Chapter 3
- •I did some quiet meditation and had a nice glass of scotch. Although tempted to have many more glasses, I took some Melatonin and went to bed. At 3:00 am my phone rang.
- •Chapter 4
- •I brushed her hair away from her eyes. She started to say, 57
- •I didn’t want to love Janine Jordan, but I did. My heart broke for her in the moment, with her hand in my lap, at her dining room table, on an October late afternoon.
- •Chapter 5
- •I had a few more rum and cokes and tried to get comfortable in my surroundings. Sheila stayed by me and kept bringing me into conversations I didn’t want to take part in.
- •I was awake now, sober in an instant. Reality will do that to you. I returned to the party, dazed. Sheila found me back in the kitchen, headlong into a bottle of scotch, glass optional.
- •Chapter 6
- •I thought we were; my page was no blackouts, no moronic or dramatic behavior, no problem. Besides, I doubted her 78
- •I ran down the hall to the ladies room and vomited. I washed off my face with cool water, sank down on the floor, and 83
- •Chapter 7
- •I met with Dan the next afternoon and, much to my disappointment, he thought taking a vacation was a terrible idea.
- •Chapter 8
- •I looked over at her, hair blowing in the breeze with Wayfarers on. So beautiful, my angel, my muse, my musician.
- •Chapter 9
- •I’m trying? That’s what I was expected to accept? She wasn’t my troubled teenager failing a class, and I wasn’t her fucking mother. I’m trying. I could not believe that was all she had to say.
- •I couldn’t recall the last, if any, Arnold Schwarzenegger film I’d seen, so my action hero self wasn’t quite sure what to do next. Stupidly I stood there with the front door hanging open and 113
- •Chapter 10
- •Acknowledgements
- •About angela kelly
- •Visit us at jms-books.Com for our latest releases and submission guidelines!
I brushed her hair away from her eyes. She started to say, 57
“I just don’t understand what the big deal is,” but I stopped her at
“the.”
“Shut up honey,” I said and kissed her. I held onto her, and continued to kiss her until I felt her pulse quicken and heard her breathing become more rapid.
She said, “I’ve never been with anyone who kisses me the way you do.”
“I’ve never kissed another woman the way I kiss you,” I said, which was partly true since I had never met a woman like her.
“I guess I just don’t get the appeal. I mean, I’ve played with toys and stuff, but, you know, not actually attached to someone else’s body.”
“Janine, think about what it would be like to have me kiss you like that and make you feel that way and have me inside you at the same time.”
“Maggie,” she said, and placed her hand on my crotch,
“but you wouldn’t be inside me.”
“I would be…in spirit. I would be…in a way.”
She thought for a few minutes. “This means more to you than something sexual, doesn’t it?”
“Yes. Some women use them all the time, as a preferred sexual method. Some even wear them on a day to day basis, like a pair of socks.” She didn’t seem surprised. She wasn’t so naive as to not know about the bull dykes who were “packing” in the crowded bars on the lower east side.
“I’ve only ever had sex that way with women I…” I stopped myself short on the word “loved.” Instead I said, “…have been involved with somewhat seriously.” My extended pause did not go unnoticed. I imagined she took a mental inventory of my long list of exes, trying to guess who had qualified. In truth, there had only been three. I assumed she figured a higher number, and for some reason that made me feel bad.
She was still sitting on my lap with a hand on my shoulder.
“I don’t know baby, it’s sort of weird to me.” She turned to meet my eyes and asked, “Would you want me to do it to you that way?”
I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
58
“Well, you know, sure…if you wanted to.” With the weight of her on my lap and her other hand on my inner thigh, I was flushed and my loins were hot just thinking about it.
“Well, do you think I could take something the first time?
Like a Valium or something? I may need to work my way up to this.”
The fact she’d said “first time” implied there would be a second time, and that elated me so much it was all I could do to refrain from giggling like a little girl.
“Sure. Listen, I’m just going to ask you to think about it.
Don’t do anything on my behalf, it’s a big step.” As soon as the words came off my tongue I heard how idiotic it sounded, ‘a big step.’ There were no 12-step programs for strap-on virgins I was aware of. I decided to be honest.
“Listen to me. I may never have the courage to say this again, so I’m only going to say it once. This way of having sex I consider extremely intimate, it’s only with trepidation I brought it up in the first place. Sometimes I feel so overcome with desire for you I want to crawl inside your skin just to be as close to you as I can get. This is the only way I know how to get closer, to experience a moment with you we can’t get any other way. You don’t know because you haven’t…it’s just different.”
How transparent I must have been to describe the conflicting interests of love in the language of sex. While I was pleading my case for the most intimate kind of lesbian fucking, I couldn’t even tell the truth about my own intimate feelings. I didn’t know what else I could say, and felt I’d said too much already.
“I just wanted…” All desire was vanquished; all I felt was the sadness that accompanies realizing the heart will always win.