Infidelity epidemic sweeping cheating britain

By Julie Mccaffrey 

HAVING a bit on the side, playing away from home. Infidelity or adultery, straying or cheating... Whatever you call it, more people than ever are doing it. Our explosive new survey reveals that illicit affairs are rife in Britain - despite the damage they do.

On day one of our compelling series, we examine our shock poll results and the experts reveal just why so many of us are doing the dirty on our trusting loved ones...IT'S happening in our workplaces, in pubs and clubs, on the internet and even in the sacred marital bed... an infidelity epidemic is sweeping the nation.

If you thought your long-term relationship - founded on love and trust - was safe, it's time to think again. Because in our exclusive survey, one of the most extensive into the state of marriage in Britain, we've discovered that adultery is rife. One in six men in a serious relationship have cheated on their partners and one in 10 of all women have strayed. The figures help to explain why the UK has the highest divorce rate in Europe. They will also make many partners eye each other suspiciously.

Think your other half is safe from sexual predators at work? Think again. A third of all cheats first meet their lovers in the office - and many even have sex there. What about if he or she is out with an old friend? Bad news - one in four philanderers have been unfaithful with a friend. And just because your husband doesn't prowl the nightclubs doesn't mean he only has eyes for you. Our shock poll of nearly 2,000 Britons proves that just as many men (14 per cent) now meet secret lovers on the internet as in a pub or club.

"Infidelity is rife and the rates are rising," confirms psychologist Dr Lisa Matthewman, of the University of Westminster. She considers our survey concrete proof that having an illicit fling has become one of the most popular British pastimes - for both sexes. "Cheating used to be a very male domain but now more women are playing away, too. They are more financially independent and have less to lose if their relationship crumbles.

"Men and women are spending more time in the workplace, where they're encouraged to socialise to build team spirit. Almost inevitably, that close bonding leads to more affairs with colleagues. "These reasons, coupled with the fact that the stigma of divorce has faded as rates have risen, mean the fear of breaking up a home has lessened and temptation has become harder to resist. All things considered," she adds, "it's little wonder adultery has soared and will continue to climb."

Our survey elicited a host of candid confessions...

One in five cheats first have sex with an illicit partner in a car, while one in six choose a lover's bed or a hotel. Five per cent do it in their marital bed and three per cent have sex in the office. And don't bank on your partner being faithful just because you've been together for a long time. The vast majority of love cheats (63 per cent) were in a relationship for more than five years before straying.

But even the blissful honeymoon period is short-lived for many, as 18 per cent of brides and 12 per cent of grooms break their wedding vows barely a year after the confetti has been swept away. Most adulterers are enticed by the thrill of a quick fling rather than the promise of a long love affair, as 40 per cent of liaisons last less than six months and one in three are just a one-night stand. The subterfuge is also a big turn-on. The whispered phone calls, furtive meetings and secret sex sessions made 40 per cent of cheaters feel sexy and attractive, and a fifth feel younger.

Sex expert Janice Hiller says some folk simply can't help themselves. "For some, sex is a basic need, just like eating and sleeping. So if they aren't getting it at home, they'll seek it elsewhere. "Sex with a new partner releases endorphins, adrenalin and oxytocin - a chemical unique to orgasm - into the brain, so you'll feel fantastically excited. Some will get hooked on that feeling and continue to cheat."

But few liaisons end happily. More than a third of cheats felt dishonest and considered it a mistake. It also made one in five people feel stressed. "Everyone dreams of skipping off into the sunset with their lover but that seldom happens," says Judi James, relationship expert at match.com.

"People rarely sit down and think through what will happen to them and their partner if the affair wrecks their marriage. "The adulterers tend to be the ones who end up devastated, if not suicidal, when their marriage falls apart."

Judi advises anyone who is unhappy in their relationship to end it before falling into the arms of someone else. "Affairs usually happen because the opportunity presents itself - not because people come across the right person," she explains. "If your lover is happy to see you on the side, knowing you're married, what kind of person are they? To me, that relationship is doomed."

The fall-out from an affair can lead to divorce or a ruined relationship. Denise Knowles, relationship counsellor with Relate, believes people underestimate the effects of infidelity. "Every couple and family who are affected by an affair say their trust has been undermined. Suspicion then becomes part of the relationship and that can take a lot to overcome.

"You can rebuild trust over time but the partnership will never be as it was. People don't understand that when they embark on an affair. "Thinking you'll be able to smooth it over is unrealistic."

You'd think that a cosmopolitan pressure cooker such as London would have cornered the market on adultery but the most unfaithful partners actually live in Wales, where 16 per cent cheat, compared to half that number in London.

The most loyal lovers were Scottish, where 87 per cent insisted they'd never been unfaithful. But, according to Denise, the tendency to cheat may have an effect on the population as a whole. "Adultery has been around for as long as marriage. People are just more open about it now," she adds. "There are also more chances because more people work away from home and have mobiles and internet access. Denise concludes: "Infidelity nibbles away atour strong foundation - our family. "And that is tragic."

HOW TO HAVE AN AFFAIR AND GET AWAY WITH IT

IF you absolutely have to cheat, there are ways of covering your tracks that might help you avoid the inevitable hurt to your partner, says David Miller, relationship guru and manager of extramarital dating service ﾵwww.lovinglinks.co.ukﾧ

He advises: Disguise financial transactions. Use a secret credit card for bills. Don't suddenly change habits or tastes - developing an interest in opera when you've always liked pop, or going out every week night when you used to be in watching television, is a dead giveaway. Find discreet places to meet and imagine being confronted by your partner so you know what to say in advance. Tell your partner many people have seen your lookalike. If someone claims they saw you with someone else, blame it on your dead ringer. Use a separate mobile phone or a secure email. Buy your lover the same scent as your partner and don't date a smoker if you're a non-smoker. Smells often give a love cheat away.

SURVIVING ADULTERY AND KEEPING LOVE ALIVE

FINDING out your partner has cheated is horrid but you can work through it, says Relate counsellor Denise Knowles. "On learning of an affair the first reaction is to ask them to leave," she says, "but that won't make the problem go away. It's better for both parties to stick around and try to talk. "Resist the urge to make major changes in your life. You may need to make some alterations gradually, but drastic moves to obliterate the past may prove too much to cope with.

"If you do stay together you need to establish new guidelines for the relationship - work out what you can and can't tolerate from your partner. "Tell your children what is going on. There's no need to say mummy or daddy has had an affair but explain that you are having a few problems. Assure them you still love them and nothing is their fault."

Hopefully, if you put in the emotional homework, you should never find yourself in an unfaithful relationship. Judi James, of internet dating site ﾵwww.match.comﾧ, advises: "Flirting with each other keeps romance alive. Talk to and listen to each other. "Go out on dates, even if you've been married for years. Get dressed up, go somewhere special and try to impress your partner all night."

WAYS TO SPOT IF YOUR PARTNER IS UNFAITHFUL

AFFAIRS can turn people off love-making with their partner but the guilt can also make them over-eager in bed, so look out for a sudden changes in sexual appetite, says psychologist Dr Lisa Matthewman,

If your partner's phone is always on but suddenly it's switched off and they are unavailable, delve deeper into their odd behaviour, she continues. Changes in your partner's personal hygiene behaviour hint at cheating. If your other half used to have one shower a day but is now also having one when they come in from work too, ask why.

New-found interest in their appearance, such as buying new clothes and underwear or trimming or waxing body hair, can signal an affair. Our sense of smell is powerful, so sniffing perfume or a man's sweat on your partner can reveal they've had too much bodily contact with another.

Relate counsellor Denise Knowles adds: "Some people in counselling say they don't see a one-night stand as unfaithful. Some say a month-long affair isn't infidelity. "As a blanket definition, any relationship that causes emotional disturbance in the primary relationship could be construed as an affair."

Questions and Tasks:

1. Who is cheating more on their spouses – men or women?

2. What are the reason for infidelity?

3. Do you think it’s OK to have an affair to refresh your feelings to your marriage partner?

4. People who say they’ve been faithful to their spouses are lying. Is it possible to love one person only?

5. Do you agree that being unfaithful always comes out? Why does it happen?

6. Can you forgive infidelity? Why?

7. How to trust a spouse if they often go on business trips?