Best of mates

MORE people than ever before are living on their own. This week Dr Miriam explains why that need not mean a lonely existence, as long as we recognise the importance of making and keeping friends.

THIRTY-something men are twice as likely as women to be living on their own.Men in this age group tend to earn more than women, which means they are more likely to be able to afford a place of their own, say Edinburgh University researchers. But that's not the whole story.

Women are now more emotionally confident than their mothers and are less willing to keep a man in their lives at any price. They've discovered there are worse things than being on your own and one of them is being trapped in a bad relationship. The result is that men who might have shared a home with a submissive partner a generation ago now find they are on their own.

Making friends

ON average we make more than 400 friendships in a lifetime but only one in 12 will last. And, of these, only five will ever be considered true friends. I'm not surprised. Friendship is as special as falling in love and can last a good deal longer. It's certainly as precious.

My gut feeling is that there isn't much difference between the sexes when it comes to making friends. Men value a best mate as much as women, even if they are not so ready to acknowledge it. But when it comes to maintaining a friendship, men don't put in the same kind of work as women.

Working at it

BY work, I mean solicitude, helpfulness, kindness and sacrifice. How many times have you heard a man boast he only makes telephone calls when he has something to say? It is as if arranging where or when to meet was the only reason language was invented.

Friendships can endure even when huge physical distances separate the people involved. But it can't survive on silence. Well-meaning thoughts that never get spoken aloud can wither the closest companionship; just as "I-meant-to-get-in-touch" intentions that are never translated into action can kill it through neglect.

Calling someone to say hello is the verbal equivalent of a hug. And we all need plenty of those in order to feel valued and appreciated. We were made for social contact - our mental well-being suffers if we don't get enough. Psychologists believe it's a fundamental need.

Trusting people

BUT we don't have to be married and or in a one-to-one relationship. We may strive for that, but we can get along fine without it. But we do need people we trust who trust us back. People we can confide in without being judged, who can put up with our moods without bearing a grudge, who share our disappointment when we fail, and cheer when we succeed. People who know our faults and still like us.

Love at first sight might exist, but there's no such a thing as friendship at first sight. It's built over time and develops through thought, understanding and tolerance. And it's perhaps the most equal of relationships because we get out of it what we put in: a one-sided friendship is no friendship at all. Making friends is a survival strategy and we should all become students of it.

Questions and Tasks:

1. Whom can you call a “friend”?

2. Why does the notion of friendship vary from culture to culture?

3. Do you think men friendship differs from women friendship? Why?

4. How to make true friends?

5. Is it difficult for rich people to make friends? Why?

6. It’s better to make friends in business than to have business with friends? What do you think?

7. What happens when the person who has shared your secrets, hopes and troubles betrays your trust?