Books on Happiness / The Definitive Book Of Body Language- 2 students

Mirroring - How We Build Rapport

Walking in step - Charles leads, Camilla follows slightly behind; after the beginning of the Iraqi conflict in 2003, Tony Blair began to mirror George Bush's Thumbs-in-Belt gesture

Summary

Mirroring someone's body language makes them feel accepted and creates a bond and is a phenomenon that occurs naturally between friends and people of equal status. Conversely, we make a point of not mirroring those we don't like or strangers, such as those riding with us in a lift or standing in the queue at the cinema.

Mirroring the other person's body language and speech patterns is one of the most powerful ways to build rapport quickly. In a new meeting with someone, mirror his seating position, posture, body angle, gestures, expressions and tone of voice. Before long, they'll start to feel that there's something about you they like - they'll describe you as 'easy to be with'. This is because they see themselves reflected in you. A word of Warning, however: don't do it too early in a new encounter as many people have become aware of mirroring strategies since

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our original book Body Language was published and over 100 million people watched the television series that followed. When someone takes a position you have one of three choices - ignore it, do something else or mirror it. Mirroring pays big dividends. But never mirror a person's negative signals.

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Chapter 13

THE SECRET SIGNALS

OF CIGARETTES,

GLASSES AND MAKE-UP

Smoking is an outward signal of inner turmoil or conflict and most smoking has less to do with nicotine addiction and more to do with the need for reassurance. It is one of the displacement activities that people use in today's high-pressure society to release the tensions that build up from social and business encounters. For example, most people experience inner tension while waiting outside the dentist's surgery to have a tooth removed. While a smoker might cover up his anxiety by sneaking out for a smoke, non-smokers perform other rituals such as grooming, gum-chewing, nail-biting, finger-and foottapping, cufflink-adjusting, head-scratching, playing with something, or other gestures that tell us they need reassurance. Jewellery is also popular for exactly the same reason - it has

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high fondle value and allows its owner to displace their insecurity, fear, impatience or lack of confidence onto the item.

Studies now show a clear relationship between whether an infant was breast-fed and its likelihood of becoming a smoker as an adult. It was found that babies who were largely bottlefed represent the majority of adult smokers and the heaviest smokers, while the longer a baby was breast-fed, the less chance there was that it would become a smoker. It seems that breast-fed babies receive comfort and bonding from the breast that is unattainable from a bottle, the consequence being that the bottle-fed babies, as adults, continue the search for comfort by sucking things. Smokers use their cigarettes for the same reason as the child who sucks his blanket or thumb.

Bottle-fed babies are three times more likely to become smokers than breast-fed babies.

Not only were smokers three times more likely to have been thumb-suckers as children, they have also been shown to be more neurotic than non-smokers and to experience oral fixations such as sucking the arm of their glasses, nail-biting, pen-munching, lip-biting and enough pencil-chewing to embarrass an average beaver. Clearly, many desires, including the urge to suck and feel secure, were satisfied in breast-fed babies but not in bottle-fed babies.

The Two Types of Smokers

There are two basic types of smokers - addicted smokers and social smokers.

Studies show that smaller, quicker puffs on a cigarette stimulate the brain, giving a heightened level of awareness whereas longer, slower puffs act as a sedative. Addicted smokers are dependent on the sedative effects of nicotine to help them deal with stress and they take longer, deeper puffs and will also

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smoke alone. Social smokers usually smoke only in the presence of others or 'when I have a few drinks'. This means that this smoking is a social display to create certain impressions on others. In social smoking, from the time the cigarette is lit until it's extinguished it's being smoked for only 20% of the time in shorter, quicker puffs while the other 80% is devoted to a series of special body language gestures and rituals.

Most social smoking is part of a social ritual.

A study conducted by Andy Parrot of the University of East London reports that 80% of smokers say they feel less stressed when they smoke. However, the stress levels of adult smokers are only slightly higher than those of non-smokers anyway, and stress levels increase as the smokers develop a regular smoking habit. Parrot also found that stopping smoking actually leads to a reduction of stress. Science now shows that smoking is not an aid for mood control because nicotine dependency heightens stress levels. The supposed relaxing effect of smoking only reflects the reversal of the tension and irritability that develops during a smoker's nicotine depletion. In other words, the smoker's mood is normal during smoking, and stressed when not smoking. That means that for a smoker to feel normal, the smoker must always have a lit cigarette in his mouth! Furthermore, when smokers quit smoking, they gradually become less stressed over time. Smoking reflects the reversal effect of the tension and stress caused by the lack of nicotine in the blood.

Studies show poor moods occur during the first few weeks after quitting, but there is dramatic improvement once the nicotine is completely gone from the body, reducing craving for the drug and the stress that results from it.

Smoking is similar to hitting yourself over the head with a hammer because, when you stop, you feel better.

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Even though smoking is now banned in many places and contexts, it's an advantage to understand the connection between smoking body language signals and a person's attitude. Smoking gestures play an important part in assessing emotional states as they are usually performed in a predictable ritualistic manner that can give important clues to the smoker's state of mind or to what they are trying to achieve. The cigarette ritual involves tapping, twisting, flicking, waving and other mini-gestures indicating that the person is experiencing more tension than may be normal.

Differences Between Men and Women

When women smoke they will often hold the cigarette high with their wrist bent back in a wrist display gesture, leaving the front of the body open. When men smoke they keep their wrist straight to avoid looking effeminate and drop their smoking hand down below chest level after they puff, keeping the front of the body protected at all times.

Twice as many women smoke as men and both sexes take the same number of puffs per cigarette, but men hold the smoke in their lungs longer, making them more susceptible to lung cancer than women.

Women use the cigarette as a social display

to open the body and display the wrist; men close their bodies when they smoke and prefer secretive holds

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Men will often use the Pinch Hold when smoking, especially if they are trying to be secretive, keeping the cigarette hidden inside the palm. This gesture is commonly used in the movies by actors who play tough guys or who are acting sneaky or suspicious.

Smoking as a Sexual Display

Films and media advertising have always portrayed smoking as sexy. Smoking is another opportunity to emphasise our sex differences: it allows a woman to use wrist displays (we'll discuss this in Chapter 15) and open her body to a man and it allows the cigarette to be used like a small phallus being seductively sucked between her lips. A man can highlight his masculinity by holding the cigarette secretively and seductively. Previous generations used a seductive smoking ritual as an acceptable form of courtship with a man offering to light a woman's cigarette while she touched his hand and held his gaze longer than usual as she thanked him. In many places today, however, smoking is as popular as a fart in a spacesuit so the smoking courtship ritual is virtually dead. The key to the perceived female sexual attraction behind smoking is the submissive attitude it implies; in other words, it carries the subtle message that a woman who smokes can be persuaded to do things that are not in her best interests. While blowing smoke in a person's face is unacceptable everywhere, in Syria it's seen as a sexual invitation when a man does it to a woman!

How to Spot a Positive or Negative Decision

Whether a person has a positive or negative attitude towards his circumstances is revealed by the direction in which his smoke is exhaled, whether it's up or down. We are assuming here that the smoker is not blowing the smoke upwards to avoid offending others and that he could have blown the

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smoke in either direction. A person who is feeling positive superior or confident about what he sees or hears will blow the smoke in an upward direction most of the time. Conversely, a person in a negative, secretive or suspicious frame of mind will blow the smoke down most of the time. Blowing down and from the corner of the mouth indicates an even more negative or secretive attitude.

Smoke blown up: confident, superior, positive; smoke blown down: negative, secretive, suspicious

In films, the leader of a motorcycle gang or criminal syndicate is usually portrayed as a tough, aggressive man who, as he smokes, tilts his head back sharply and with controlled precision blows the smoke towards the ceiling to demonstrate his superiority to the rest of the gang. In contrast, Humphrey Bogart was often cast as a gangster or tough guy who held his cigarette inverted in his hand and blew the smoke down from the corner of his mouth as he planned a jailbreak or other devious activity. There also appears to be a relationship between how positive or negative the person feels and the speed at which he exhales the smoke. The faster the smoke is blown upwards the more superior or confident; the faster it is blown down, the more negative he feels.

If a smoker is playing cards and is dealt a good hand, he is likely to blow the smoke upwards, whereas a poor hand may cause him to blow it downwards. While some card players use a 'poker face' when playing cards as a way of not showing any

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body signals that may give them away, other players like to be actors and use misleading body language to lull the other players into a false sense of security. If, for example, a poker player was dealt four of a kind and he wanted to bluff the other players, he could throw the cards face down on the table in disgust, curse, cross his arms and put on a non-verbal display indicating he'd been dealt a poor hand. But then he quietly sits back and draws on his cigarette and blows the smoke upwards. And then he Steeples. It would be unwise for the other players to now bet on the next hand, as they would probably be beaten. Observation of smoking gestures in selling situations shows that when smokers are asked to buy, those who have already reached a positive decision blow the smoke upwards, whereas those who have decided not to buy, blow downwards.

The original study of smokers we carried out in 1978 showed that smokers took significantly longer to reach a decision in a negotiation than non-smokers and that the smoking ritual is performed most often during the tense moments of the negotiations. Smokers, it seems, are able to stall decisionmaking by diverting their attention to the smoking process. So if you want quicker decisions from smokers, negotiate in a room that displays a large 'No Smoking' sign.

Cigar Smokers

Cigars have always been used as a means of displaying superiority because of their cost and size. The big-time business executive, the gang leader and those in high-status positions are often portrayed as smoking cigars. Cigars are used to celebrate a victory or achievement such as the birth of a baby, a wedding, clinching a business deal or winning the lottery. It is not surprising that most of the smoke exhaled by cigar smokers is blown upwards. At a celebration dinner where cigars were distributed freely we noted that of 400 recorded cigar smoke exhalations, 320 were in an upward direction.

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How Smokers End a Session

Most smokers smoke their cigarette down to a certain length before extinguishing it in an ashtray. Women tend to slowly stub the cigarette out while men are likely to crush it with the thumb. If the smoker lights a cigarette and suddenly extinguishes it earlier than he normally would, he has signalled his decision to terminate the conversation. Watching for this termination signal can allow you to take control or to close the conversation, making it appear that it was your idea to end things.

How to Read Glasses

Almost every artificial aid a person uses gives them an opportunity to perform a number of revealing gestures and this is certainly the case with those who wear glasses. One of the most common gestures is placing one arm of the frame in the mouth.

Using the glasses to stall for time

As Desmond Morris pointed out, the act of putting objects against the lips or in the mouth is a momentary attempt by the person to relive the security he experienced as a baby at his mother's breast. This means that the Glasses-Arm-in-Mouth gesture is essentially a reassurance gesture.

If you wear glasses you may sometimes feel as if you are looking at life through two toilet paper rolls, but you are perceived by others as being more studious and intelligent, particularly in the early stages of a meeting. In one study, people pictured wearing glasses were judged by respondents as

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