Books on Happiness / The Definitive Book Of Body Language- 2 students

The 13 Most Common Gestures You'll See Daily

defensively. Instead, try talking to his crotch — responses such as 'You've got a good point there, Bob' and 'I can see where you're coming from' can teach a valuable lesson as well as causing riotous laughter when used at the right time.

Leg-Over-the-Arm-of-Chair

This is mainly done by men because it also uses the LegsSpread. It not only signifies the man's ownership of the chair, it also signals that he has an informal, aggressive attitude.

Informality, indifference and lack of concern

It is common to see two male friends laughing and joking with each other while sitting this way, but let's consider its impact in different circumstances. Let's say an employee has a personal problem and goes to ask his boss for advice. As the employee explains, he leans forward in the chair, his hands on his knees, his head down, with a dejected expression and voice lowered. The boss listens, sitting motionless, then leans back in his chair and puts one leg over the arm. The boss's attitude has now changed to lack of concern or indifference. In other words, he has little concern for the employee or his problem and he may even feel that his time is being wasted with the 'same old story'.

So what was the boss indifferent about? He may have considered the employee's problem, decided that it's not much of a problem anyway and become disinterested. He may even tell his employee not to worry and that the problem will simply go away

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As long as the boss's leg stays over the arm of the chair, his indifferent attitude will persist. When the employee leaves the office, the boss breathes a sigh of relief and says to himself, 'Thank heavens he's gone!' and takes his leg off the arm of the chair.

The Leg-Over-the-Arm-of-Chair can be annoying when it occurs during negotiation, and it is vital to make that person change position because the longer he stays in it, the longer he will have an indifferent or aggressive attitude. An easy way to do this is to ask him to lean across and look at something, or, if you have a wicked sense of humour, tell him there's a split in his trousers.

Straddling a Chair

Centuries ago, men used shields to protect themselves from the spears and clubs of the enemy, and today, civilised man uses whatever he has at his disposal to symbolise this same protective behaviour when he is under physical or verbal attack. This includes standing behind a gate, doorway, fence, desk or the open door of his motor vehicle and straddling a chair.

The Straddler wants to dominate or control while, at the same time, protecting his front

The back of the chair acts as a shield to protect the body and can transform a person into an aggressive, dominant personality. Men also have their legs spread in a wide Crotch Display, adding male assertion to the position. Most Straddlers are dominant types who will try to take control of others when they become bored with the conversation, and the back of the

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The 13 Most Common Gestures You'll See Daily

chair serves as good protection from any 'attack' by other members of the group. The Straddler is often discreet and can slip into the straddle position almost unnoticed.

The easiest way to disarm the Straddler is to stand up or sit behind him, making him feel vulnerable to attack and forcing him to change his position. This can work well in a group situation because the Straddler will have his back exposed and this compels him to change to another position.

So what would you do with a Straddler on a swivel chair? It is pointless to try to reason with a crotch-displaying man on a merry-go-round, so the best defence is non-verbal. Conduct your conversation standing up and looking down on the Straddler, and move into his Personal Space. This is unnerving for him and he can even fall backwards off his chair in an attempt to move away.

Next time you have a Straddler coming to visit you, be sure to seat him on a fixed chair that has arms to stop him from taking his favourite position. When he can't straddle, his usual next move is to use the Catapult.

The Catapult

This is a seated version of the Hands-on-Hips pose except the hands are behind the head with the elbows menacingly pointed out. Again, it's almost entirely a male gesture used to intimidate others or it infers a relaxed attitude to lull you into a false sense of security just before he ambushes you.

The Catapult: cool, confident, knows it all and thinks he has more bananas than anyone

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This gesture is typical of professionals such as accountants lawyers, sales managers or people who are feeling superior dominant or confident about something. If we could read this person's mind, he would be saying things such as, 'I have all the answers', or 'Everything's under control', or even 'Maybe one day you'll be as smart as me'. Management personnel regularly use it and newly appointed male managers suddenly begin to use it, despite the fact that they seldom used it prior to their promotion. It is also used by 'Know-It-All' individuals and it intimidates most people. It's the trademark gesture of men who like you to realise just how knowledgeable they are. It can also be used as a territorial sign to show that the person has staked a claim to that particular area.

It is usually clustered with a Figure-Four leg position or Crotch Display, which shows that he not only feels superior, he's also likely to argue or try to dominate. There are several ways you can deal with this gesture, depending on the circumstances. You can lean forward with palms up and say, 'I can see that you know about this. Would you care to comment?' then sit back and wait for an answer.

Women quickly develop a dislike for men who use the Catapult in business meetings.

You could place something just out of his reach and ask, 'Have you seen this?', forcing him to lean forward. If you are a man, copying the gesture can be a simple way to handle the Catapulter because mirroring creates equality. This doesn't work for a woman however, because it puts her breasts on display, leaving her at a disadvantage. Even flat-chested women who attempt the Catapult are described as aggressive by both men and women.

The Catapult doesn't work for women, even flat-chested ones.

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The 13 Most Common Gestures You'll See Daily

If you are a woman and a man does this, continue the conversation standing up. This forces the Catapulter to change position so he can continue the conversation. When he stops the Catapult, sit down again. If he catapults again, stand up. This is a non-aggressive way of training others not to try to intimidate you. On the other hand, if the person using the Catapult is your superior and is reprimanding you, you will intimidate him by copying this gesture. For example, two equals will use the Catapult in each other's presence to show equality and agreement, but if a mischievous schoolboy did it, it would infuriate the school principal.

In one insurance company, we found that 27 out of 30 male sales managers used the Catapult regularly around their salespeople or subordinates but rarely in the presence of their superiors. When they were with their superiors, however, the same managers were more likely to use submissive and subordinate gesture clusters.

Gestures That Show When a Person is Ready

One of the most valuable gestures a negotiator can learn to recognise is seated readiness. When you are presenting a proposal, for example, if the other person were to take this gesture at the end of the presentation, and the interview had gone well up to that point, you could ask for agreement and would be likely to get it.

The classic position showing readiness for action

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Our video replays of salespeople interviewing potential buyers revealed that, whenever the Seated Readiness gesture followed a Chin-Stroke (decision-making), the client said 'yes' to the proposal more than half the time. In contrast, if during the close of the sale the client took the Arms-Crossed position immediately after the Chin-Stroke, the sale was usually not made. The Seated Readiness gesture can also be taken by the angry person who is ready for something else - to throw you out. The preceding gesture clusters indicate the person's real intentions.

The Starter's Position

Readiness gestures that signal a desire to conclude a meeting include leaning forward with both hands on both knees, or leaning forward with both hands gripping the chair as if they were at the start of a race. If either of these occur during a conversation it would be wise for you to take the lead and resell, change direction or terminate the conversation.

On your marks, get set: in the starting blocks - readiness to end an encounter or a conversation

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Summary

The body language signals covered in this chapter are fairly easy to observe because most involve big gestures. Not only is it important to understand the significance of these signals, it's vital to good communication that you eliminate any negative gestures from your own repertoire and practise using the things that will give you positive results.

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Chapter 12

MIRRORING - HOW WE

BUILD RAPPORT

They all look the same, dress the same way, use the same facial expressions and body language but each will tell you he's 'doing his own thing'

When we meet others for the first time, we need to assess quickly whether they are positive or negative towards us, just as most other animals do for survival reasons. We do this by scanning the other person's body to see if they will move or gesture the same way we do in what is known as 'mirroring'. We mirror each other's body language as a way of bonding, being accepted and creating rapport, but we are usually oblivious to the fact that we are doing it. In ancient times, mirroring was also a social device which helped our ancestors fit in successfully with larger groups; it is also a left-over from a primitive method of learning which involved imitation.

One of the most noticeable forms of mirroring is yawning - one person starts and it sets everyone off. Robert Provine found that yawning is so contagious you don't even need to see another person yawn - the sight of a wide-open mouth is enough to do it. It was once thought that the purpose of

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yawning was to oxygenate the body but we now know that it's a form of mirroring that serves to create rapport with others and to avoid aggression — just as it also does for monkeys and chimps.

Wearing the same outfit as another woman is a mirroring no-no. But if two men show up at a party wearing the same outfit, they could become lifelong friends.

Non-verbally, mirroring says 'Look at me; I'm the same as you. I feel the same way and share the same attitudes.' This is why people at a rock concert will all jump to their feet and applaud simultaneously or give a 'Mexican Wave' together. The synchronicity of the crowd promotes a secure feeling in the participants. Similarly, people in an angry mob will mirror aggressive attitudes and this explains why many usually calm people can lose their cool in this situation.

The urge to mirror is also the basis on which a queue works. In a queue, people willingly co-operate with people they have never met and will never see

again, obeying an unwritten set of behavioural rules while waiting for a bus, at an art gallery, in a bank or side by side in war. Professor Joseph Heinrich from the University of Michigan found that the urges to mirror others are hardwired into the brain because co-operation leads to more food, better health and

Learning to mirror our parents begins early: Prince Philip and a young Prince Charles in perfect step

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economic growth for communities. It also offers an explanation as to why societies that are highly disciplined in mirroring, such as the British, Germans and ancient Romans successfully dominated the world for many years.

Mirroring makes others feel 'at ease'. It's such a powerful rapport-building tool that slow-motion video research reveals that it even extends to simultaneous blinking, nostril-flaring, eyebrow-raising and even pupil dilation, which is remarkable as these micro-gestures cannot be consciously imitated.

Creating the Right Vibes

Studies into synchronous body language behaviour show that people who feel similar emotions, or are on the same wavelength and are likely to be experiencing a rapport, will also begin to match each other's body language and expressions. Being 'in sync' to bond with another person begins early in the womb when our body functions and heartbeat match the rhythm of our mother, so mirroring is a state to which we are naturally inclined.

When a couple are in the early stages of courtship it's common to see them behave with synchronous movements, almost as if they are dancing. For example, when a woman takes a mouthful of food the man wipes the corner of his mouth; or he begins a sentence and she finishes it for him. When she gets PMT, he develops a strong desire for chocolate; and when she feels bloated, he farts.

When a person says 'the vibes are right' or that they 'feel right' around another person, they are unknowingly referring to mirroring and synchronous behaviour. For example, at a restaurant, one person can be reluctant to eat or drink alone for fear of being out of sync with the others. When it comes to ordering the meal, each may check with the others before ordering. 'What are you having?' they ask as they try to mirror their meals. This is one of the reasons why playing background music during a date is so effective — the music gets a couple to beat and tap in time together.

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