Rules for Effective Listening in Negotiation

Good negotiators, like good communicators generally are active lis­teners. Most of us, absent training and practice, are relatively poor listeners. Extroverts usually have particular difficulty in developing listening skills. Quietly listening, on the other hand, comes natu­rally to introverts. All negotiators should follow the rules set forth in the following box.

• Talk less and listen more. Seek new information.

• Do not stop listening before the other person finishes because you think you know what he or she is going to say.

• Do not stop listening in order to remember what you want to say next.

• Do not assume that you know what the other person means.

• Do not interrupt.

• If you do not understand, say so.Show interest. Lean forward, nod, or smile.

Rules for Effective Speaking in Negotiation

"Speech is silver, silence is golden" German proverb

The following rules should be adopted as general guidelines permeating all of your negotiation messages:

• Do not answer a question if you are not prepared.

• Do not answer a question that was not asked, unless you are sure that it will aid the process of mutual understanding.

• Do not be afraid to answer a question with a question.

• Do not answer a question if the timing does not suit your strat­egy, but promise to answer it later.

• Do not ask a question that will trigger the reciprocal question back to you if you are not ready or prepared to answer it.

• After you ask a question, stop, close your mouth, and open your ears so that the person can answer and you can hear!

• Occasionally ask a question to which you already know the answer in order to test the other's veracity.

• Restate or summarize what you understood the other person to say.

• State your understanding and appreciation for the other's position.

• Do not be offensive or rude.

• Until you are ready to agree, use conditional statements and hypotheticals.

• Do not say things to show off.

• Do not be afraid of appearing stupid.

• Do not be afraid to be silent.

If you are surprised by the rule, do not be afraid of appearing stupid, bear in mind that it is not the same as being stupid! Many times we fail to seek clarification because of this fear. It is unlikely that your counterpart will presume you stupid for seeking informa­tion. However, if that does happen, it will give you an advantage.

Filtering

The principle of filtering is premised on knowing who you are and what type of personality the person has with whom you are deal­ing. To be effective in the communication process, one must be aware of his or her own internal editing, recognize clues, and relate transmissions to the personalities involved. We are largely unaware of our automatic editing. Our natural tendency is to assume that others are like us. We project our characteristics onto others. Our re­actions to others depend in large part on how we perceive them. While perception is addressed at greater length elsewhere in this book, our focus here is on practicing filtering techniques.

Filtering removes the debris of our automatic editing and al­lows for effective transfer of intended meaning. There are two basic rules for filtering:

1. Know your prejudices, biases, and tendencies, and allow for them.

2. Listen and speak to the other in his or her language.

It is the failure of the filtering process that accounts for much tension, anger, destructive conflict, and many breakdowns of the negotiation process. The way to improve your filtering skills and, therefore, your communication and negotiation skills is to recog­nize how you interact, how you react to your opposites, and how your opposites react to you.

Usually the hardest part of that quest is acknowledging how others perceive you. For example, to your opposite you may be per­ceived as argumentative or even abrasive when you think you are merely getting to the point and getting to resolution. To your oppo­site you may be perceived as scattered or wishy-washy when you think you are being open to alternatives and trying to accommodate.

In order to improve your filtering skills, make a note of your in­terpretation of and reaction to the characteristics and behaviors of the various personalities and temperaments described in other chapters. Next, make a list of the effort you must make in negotia­tions with your opposites. Remember, the more you are able to use your nonpreferences, the fewer blind spots you will have in negoti­ation. Some examples are provided to get you started. Following the practice examples is a general filtering approach to use in resolving conflict caused by personality differences during negotiations.