Chapter 23

SUNLIGHT STREAMED through a gap in the blinds and made Kim squeeze her eyes shut. Not completely awake, she rolled over to escape the piercing light. A sharp pain in her lower back brought her to full alertness. Ugh. She sat up and rubbed her hands over her face. I'm getting too old to fall asleep on the floor.

Looking around the room, Kim only took a moment to register several things. It was no longer night, and the wine glasses had been removed from the hearth. What pierced her heart was the realization that Jess had left without waking her.

What did you expect? You know damn well how hesitant Jess is to get romantically involved. Kim drew her knees up to her chest. Damn it. Why did you do that? If you'd just been patient for once in your life you could've had it all: a friend and a lover. She wrapped her arms around her legs and buried her face in her upraised knees. But no, you had to throw yourself at her. Of course she's gone. She didn't want to face you after you forced her into having pity sex. And then sobbed in her arms like a baby. Crushing regret overwhelmed her. You've ruined the best friendship you ever had.

A warm hand touching her back almost sent Kim into orbit.

It can't be.

Kim's head whipped up. You didn't leave me. Her relief was so intense it rendered her momentarily speechless.

"Hey, Kim. You okay?" Jess asked.

"Yeah. You just startled me."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. I had to use the bathroom." Jess offered her hand.

Kim clasped it and allowed Jess to pull her off the floor.

Face to face with Jess, she was suddenly tongue-tied. Now what? Should I even mention what happened last night? She ran her hands over her rumpled T-shirt and sweats. I must look a mess.

Jess's smile seemed a bit unsure. She cocked her head.

The gesture reminded Kim of Thor when he was trying to figure something out. That thought brought a smile to her face. Relax. Just let things happen in their own time.

"How about I make us some breakfast?" Kim said.

"Oh. Sorry," Jess said. Her smile disappeared. "I can't —"

Kim's insecurities roared back. I should've realized. She just stayed to be polite. "That's okay. No problem. I've taken enough of your time. I won't hold you up any longer." She turned away, intent on heading to the front door to let Jess out.

Jess's hand on her arm stopped her. "You didn't let me finish," she said. "I'd like to stay, but I need to go pick up Thor. On the weekends, the kennel is open from seven to nine in the morning, then not again until the afternoon. If I don't go get him now, I won't be able to pick him up until five o'clock."

God, Kim. Get hold of yourself. Don't jump to conclusions. Jess doesn't seem to be freaking out. She put aside the astonishment that observation caused for later contemplation. "I understand. Go pick up the big guy," Kim said, her fears temporarily laid to rest. She turned once more and walked to the front door.

Jess followed in her wake. She grabbed her jacket off the back of a dining room chair and shrugged into it. "Looks like it's going to be a nice day, now that the rain has stopped." Jess cleared her throat. "I was wondering... um. Would you like to go out to lunch later?"

See, have a little faith. "Sure. Where did you want to go?"

"I was thinking of our favorite Mexican place since they have an outdoor patio."

"Why outside?" Kim wasn't thrilled with the idea of eating outside. Even though the sun was out, it was still cool and damp.

"Well." Jess shifted and looked at her feet. "I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I brought Thor along. I don't want to leave him home alone so soon after he's been at the kennel overnight."

You are such a big softie. Kim was pleased when Jess showed her softhearted side. It was such a contrast to her tough-as-nails work persona. That Jess was comfortable enough to let her see what Kim felt was the real Jess McKenna meant a lot to her.

She grasped Jess's hand and gave it a firm squeeze. "Of course I don't mind. Bring Thor. You know I love the big guy."

When Jess looked up, her vivid blue eyes were filled with warmth.

"What time do you want to meet at the restaurant?" Kim asked.

"Thor and I will pick you up at noon?" It sounded more like question than a statement. Jess peered at her from under half-lidded eyes. "If that would be okay?"

Kim studied Jess for just a moment, intrigued by her body language. What's this? Jess looked almost — shy. She quickly thought of how Jess had worded her invitation to lunch and now the offer to pick her up.

Oh... is she asking me on a date? They normally went to restaurants and other places in separate vehicles.

Only one way to be sure. "I'd love to go out on a date with you and Thor. I'll be waiting for you at noon."

The dazzling smile that blazed across Jess's face assured Kim that she had been right. A date with Jess. Even after what they had shared last night, the thought was both thrilling and scary.

"Maybe after lunch, we could go for a walk, then back to my place... for a movie or something?" Jess asked, with a bit of an uncharacteristic stammer.

Wow. She's inviting me to her house? Even after what happened last night? Kim wondered what all this meant for their relationship. Worry about that later.

"That would be great." She glanced at the clock in the kitchen. Damn. "You better get going."

Jess raked a hand through her hair. "Yeah."

Kim flipped open the dead bolt and put her hand on the doorknob.

"Kim." Jess stepped close, but didn't touch her.

Something in Jess's voice caught Kim's attention. She met Jess's gaze and froze.

Jess's eyes had turned silvery-blue. She moved forward, closing the distance between them.

Oh, yes. Please.

Jess's lips brushed hers in a soft, tender kiss.

Kim leaned into the kiss. Relief mingled with pleasure. She hadn't messed up things between them after all.

"I'll see you later," Jess whispered, her voice gone husky. She started to move away, then swept back in for a second kiss.

Arousal washed over Kim like a wave at high tide.

When Jess attempted to deepen the kiss, she eagerly opened for her.

Jess's tongue slid into her mouth.

Kim groaned deep in her chest. She clutched at Jess's jacket as her knees turned weak.

Strong arms wrapped around Kim and pulled her close.

Everything ceased to exist for Kim — except Jess. The feel of her body pressed against the length of hers, Jess's scent filling her senses, the press of her tongue in Kim's mouth.

Panting, Jess pulled back from the torrid kiss.

Kim whimpered. My God. She had kissed her share of women but had never experienced anything so powerful.

Jess pressed her forehead against Kim's. Her breath hitched in her chest. "Wow," she muttered.

Kim's heart soared with the knowledge that Jess had been just as affected by the kiss.

"I better go," Jess said. She didn't sound very thrilled with the idea.

The last thing Kim wanted was for Jess to leave. If she doesn't pick up Thor now, she'll feel guilty later and so will you.

"Go get our boy and I'll see you both in a little while," Kim said.

A brilliant smile made Jess's face glow. She looked as if she was considering kissing Kim again. With a rough shake of her head, she apparently thought better of it.

Although disappointed, Kim knew it was for the best. Her body was still thrumming with arousal. One more kiss and she would drag Jess off to her bed.

"Okay. Later," Jess said before slipping out the door.

It wasn't until the door closed behind Jess that Kim realized what she had said. Our boy. Kim shook her head. Oh boy!

Jess pulled into a parking spot outside Kim's condo complex but made no move to get out of her SUV. "I can do this." She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants. "It's just like all the other times I've been out with Kim. We've been going out together for months." Even as Jess said it, she knew it wasn't true.

Last night had changed everything.

Now that she had touched Kim so intimately, she could not hide the depth of what she felt — from herself or Kim.

Add to that the shock she had gotten this morning when she woke up with Kim in her arms. She had tried to write it off as both of them being overstressed and tired. After all, they had slept on the floor. Then she remembered Halloween. You claimed that time it was too much pizza and beer. There's more to it than that and you know it.

Jess sighed. The thought of spending the night with Kim wrapped in her arms was an appealing one. It was not something she had wanted to do with either of her exes. Both had complained about her rarely spending the night and never cuddling up to sleep when she did. But Kim's different. You've known that for a while.

Despite her lingering fears about how she was going to react when Kim took control and wanted to make love to her, Jess was determined to make this relationship work. She had already stepped well outside her comfort zone a number of times where Kim was concerned. She's worth it.

"Okay. Enough of this." She looked into the back seat. "Time for me to go pick up our date."

Thor's tail thumped against the seat.

Jess reached for the bouquet of flowers lying on the passenger seat. She picked them up, set them back down, then picked them up again. Shaking her head, she blew out a breath. "Make up your damn mind." The flowers had seemed like a good idea, but now she wasn't sure. "She's already your friend. You don't have to impress her."

Turning slightly, she held up the flowers to Thor. "What do you think? Take them?"

Thor yawned.

"You're no help." Jess laughed. "Great, I really am losing it. Now I'm asking a dog for advice." She shook her head. What she really wanted was for Kim to feel special. Flowers it is, then.

She took a moment to make sure at least two of the windows where cracked open for Thor. Her mind made up, Jess climbed out of the truck, flowers in hand. She leaned back inside and met Thor's eyes. "I'll be right back. Thor. Stay. Watch," she said before closing the door.

A fire blazed in the fireplace. The logs crackled and popped. Kim sighed when warmth crept back into her chilled limbs. The morning sunshine had given way to clouds. Another storm loomed on the horizon.

Kim kicked off her shoes. She pulled her legs up onto the couch and tucked them under her. She had grown quite comfortable in Jess's home.

Thor was stretched out in front of the fire like a huge furry rug.

"Hot chocolate as promised," Jess said, returning from the kitchen. "Hope you like it with marshmallows."

Looking up, she smiled. "Yes, I do. Thanks." She accepted the mug Jess offered.

Jess settled onto the couch next to her.

I could get used to this.

A sense of contentment filled Kim as she sipped her chocolate.

It had been a very long time since a woman made her feel as special as Jess had today.

It still amazed her that she had not realized Jess had feelings for her beyond friendship until recently. Maybe it was because she still did not trust her own judgment after Anna, who was admittedly the last in a long line of mistakes. Or maybe it was the fact that Jess was so good at hiding her feelings.

Either way, Kim was very glad that things had turned out the way they did. She had a wonderful friendship with Jess that could only make their growing relationship stronger. With the deepening of her relationship with Jess old fears had surfaced, but Kim refused to give in to them. Not everyone you let yourself care about will lie to you. This time will be different. I know it will.

Kim turned sideways so she was facing Jess. Her knees pressed against Jess's thigh. "I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Less than three weeks to go." She bounced a little in place. "Are you going to put up a tree?"

Jess's gaze darted away from Kim for a moment. "Since I work on Christmas, I don't put up a tree."

"So you've always covered on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?" Kim had been dismayed to find out that Jess planned to work back to back twelve-hour shifts. She had hoped they could spend at least part of the holiday together.

"I always volunteered to work the holidays when I was an attending. Now that I'm head of the department, I feel if I provide a good example, it will encourage other single doctors to do the same. I know most people celebrate the holidays but I've always believed that staff with young children should get Christmas Day off. Same with the residents. The ones with children get excused from the duty schedule — if at all possible."

Ernest blue eyes met Kim's. "This is the first year I've ever wished I didn't have to work."

Kim fought to hide her surprise. I can't believe you admitted that to me. "I wish we could spend the holidays together, but I understand." She rubbed her hand over Jess's shoulder. "I think it's a wonderful thing you're doing. Christmas is such a special time for families, especially those with young kids."

Jess's face went dark. With a shake of her head, Jess's expression cleared. "Thank you for understanding."

That wasn't a happy memory. Does her family give her a hard time?

"Do you celebrate beforehand with Sam?" Kim knew that Jess was going to San Diego tomorrow to go Christmas shopping with her sister.

"Oh yeah. We celebrate. Sam wouldn't have it any other way." Jess laughed. "She loves Christmas. But we usually don't get together until the weekend after Christmas." An indulgent smile spread across Jess's face. "I'm sure she already has a tree up and her apartment decorated."

"So does she go home to your family on Christmas Day?" Kim asked.

"No. Sam volunteers to work both days of the holiday as well. She feels the same way I do about that."

"How about you? I didn't see a tree at your place either." Jess's brows furrowed. "Or have you changed your mind about going home for Christmas?"

Her mother had called and tried to guilt her in to coming home. One Christmas with her mother shoving eligible men at her every chance she got had been enough to remind Kim why she never went home for the holidays. Even if it meant spending Christmas alone, she would not go back to Michigan.

"No. Definitely not," Kim said, unable to keep the bitter tone from her voice. That wasn't the only reason she wouldn't go home for Christmas. She refused to let her mother taint what were some of the best memories of her father. Despite the painful emotions thinking of him stirred, his love of Christmas and everything associated with it was something she had chosen to keep alive.

Kim laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "Fair warning. I'm with the 'you have to have a tree for it to really feel like Christmas' camp." Come on, ask her. "I've been meaning to ask you if you'd be interested in going with me to pick one out."

Jess smiled. "Sure. I'd like that. It would be fun."

Go all the way. Ask her for what you really want but have been too chicken to ask. "And decorate it... if you wanted."

"Really?" Jess's eyes sparkled and her face lit up.

So maybe it isn't just Sam who loves Christmas. I don't know just how, but I'm going to make this special for you. "Of course. How can Santa bring you presents without a tree to put them under?"

Jess grinned. "Now you sound like Sam."

"Well, then obviously, she's a very smart woman." Kim laughed.

"Um..." Jess lowered her gaze. She picked at the seam of a couch cushion before finally looking up. "Would you like to meet her sometime?"

Kim's jaw dropped. This is huge. She had wondered if Jess would ever feel comfortable enough to introduce her to Sam. It wasn't hard to see how nervous Jess was about making the invitation. Help her out.

"I'd like to meet your sister." She put her hand on Jess's leg. "Whenever you're ready."

"She wants to meet you too," Jess said.

She's talked to her sister about me? It had not occurred to Kim that Jess would talk about her. Other than the fact that Sam was a police officer, up until today Jess had told her next to nothing about her sister. What has she told her? About Memorial? Or just that we're friends?

When the muscles under her hand tensed, Kim was pulled out of her musings. She looked down at her hand, surprised to find herself stroking Jess's thigh.

She started to pull away only to be stopped by Jess sliding her own hand over and entwining their fingers.

Passion-darkened silvery-blue eyes met hers.

Arousal shot through Kim at the look of want on Jess's face. Kim leaned forward to claim Jess's lips.

Jess met her halfway.

Her tongue slid into Jess's mouth. Mm, I could kiss her all day.

The kiss deepened as Jess's tongue wrestled with hers.

Breathlessly, they broke apart.

Kim pressed her forehead against Jess's collarbone. "You are such a good kisser," she said, trying to catch her breath.

"You're not so bad yourself."

"Not so bad." Kim lifted her head to mock scowl at Jess. "What kind of compliment is that?"

"A not so bad one?" Jess laughed.

She poked Jess in the side. "I'll show you not so bad."

A little half smirk twisted Jess's lips.

Kim swooped in and captured Jess's lips in a searing kiss.

She smiled into the kiss when Jess moaned. Oh yeah. Much better. Kim rose up on her knees and pressed their breasts together. Her long held yearning to touch Jess would no longer be denied.

Jess's arms wrapped around her waist.

Using her dominant position, she pressed Jess back on the couch as she continued to kiss her hungrily. Kim groaned into the kiss when she settled firmly on top of Jess.

The warm, pliant softness of Jess's body turned to stone underneath her.

Jess wrenched her mouth away from the kiss.

Her heart pounded in her chest.

She pushed the oppressive weight off her chest and sprang off the couch.

Once free, it only took a second for Jess's brain to catch up with her wayward body.

No. Not with Kim.

Kim's stunned face looked up at her from the couch. She pushed herself back into a sitting position.

A red wave of anger flowed over Jess. Her fists clenched to her sides, she moved away from the couch.

Goddammit! One day. One day and you've already fucked it up. The reaction had become ingrained over the years. At this point, it was purely instinctive. It had nothing to do with Kim. You shouldn't be in this relationship. Kim deserves better than you.

Kim gently touched her arm. "Jess. Are you okay?"

Jess jumped. She was so intent on beating herself up, she hadn't noticed Kim approach.

Her anger drained away. She forced herself to meet Kim's gaze. Shame weighted her shoulders. "Yeah. Sorry."

Jess could see the questions in Kim's eyes but she didn't have any answers for her. At least not any she was willing to give. You have to tell her something. She's a smart woman. And don't forget a psychiatrist. A damn good one.

She offered her hand and waited for Kim to take it, then entwined their fingers. "Would you sit back down with me?"

Kim nodded. She sat down next to Jess on the couch.

Blowing out a breath, Jess tried to come up with something to say. "I'm sorry about that. You caught me by surprise. Um... I don't like to be on my back."

Kim's eyebrows shot up. She started to say something, then seemed to reconsider. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I did something that made you uncomfortable." Kim squeezed her hands. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"No. There's nothing to talk about." The lie tasted bitter in her mouth.

"All right, Jess." Kim pulled her hands back and clasped them together in her lap.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Jess knifed her fingers through her hair. "Listen, would you mind if we skipped the movie tonight?" Feeling exposed and vulnerable, Jess didn't think she could deal with Kim in her bed tonight — no matter how innocently. "I was thinking it might be better if I went ahead and drove down to San Diego tonight. It would give Sam and me more time in the stores tomorrow." Coward.

"Whatever you want." Kim hesitated. "Would you prefer I called a cab?"

What? Pain stabbed her heart that Kim would think her capable of doing something so low. "God no. Of course I don't want you to call a cab. I'll take you home."

Unsure of her reception, Jess reached out tentatively. Her hand trembled. When Kim didn't pull away, she gently cupped her cheek. She stroked Kim's face with her thumb.

Kim offered a timid smile.

Jess made a slow approach, giving Kim plenty of time to refuse the kiss. She sighed as their lips gently brushed.

"I'm so sorry," Jess whispered.

She kissed Kim again, both of them sighing into the contact.

Jess pulled back and looked deeply into Kim's soft blue eyes. "Are we okay?" she asked, her voice trembling.

"Always." Kim sealed her declaration with a gentle kiss.