Chapter 34

JESS GAZED DOWN into the woman's pale, emotionless face. Her eyes had a vacant look as if she had retreated to somewhere no one could touch her.

Her stomach roiling, Jess gripped the rails of the gurney with white-knuckle intensity. She had not reacted like this to a sexual assault case in years. The stress of trying to confess to Kim over the past month had stirred Jess's own dark memories.

She forced her gaze away from the patient and focused on Caroline Beck, a third-year resident, standing on the other side of the gurney. Jess inclined her head toward the door.

When Caroline joined her near the door, Jess spoke in a low voice. "Have you done a..." Jess silently cursed the tremor in her voice, "kit before?"

Caroline peered at Jess. "Yes. I know the procedure." Her brow furrowed. "I can do this."

Jess stuffed her hands in her lab coat pockets to still their shaking. Do your damn job. Years of practice allowed Jess to don her ER chief persona like a protective mantle. Once again firmly in control, she said, "I know you can. Get one of the female nurses to assist you." Her eyes bore into Caroline's. "Just the two of you in the room. No one else."

"Of course, Dr. McKenna." Caroline moved back to her patient.

Jess opened the exam room door and stepped out into the corridor. Humiliation tinged the relief she felt at being out of the room.

Caught up in her churning emotions, Jess didn't realize she wasn't alone.

"Hey, Jess." Kim was leaning against the wall just a few feet away.

No. Not now. Jess froze.

Kim stepped close. "You okay?" she asked, her voice soft and warm.

One look into Kim's loving blue eyes stripped Jess bare.

She was sure Kim could see into her soul, straight down to her deepest shame. Panic struck as swift and painful as an arrow's point. Jess spun on her heel and fled. She heard Kim call out, but her shame gave wings to her feet.

Jess paced around her office. You knew this would happen. It was just a matter of time. The demons of her past were slowly, but surely destroying her future. Myra had it right all along. You're damaged goods.

Despite the current situation, the past month had been the happiest Jess could remember. Each day, she fell deeper in love with Kim. They had not spent a night apart since Christmas.

But one thing had marred that happiness. Jess slammed her fist into her palm. No matter how hard she tried, she was not able to stifle her reaction whenever Kim tried to take control of their lovemaking.

The lie that there was nothing wrong had become a draught almost too bitter to swallow. Every time Jess uttered the lie, the light in Kim's eyes dimmed a little more.

Jess was trying. Just last week, she had allowed Kim to go down on her for the first time. Granted, she had had to be in the upper position, but still, it was an intimacy she had never allowed anyone before.

And still you lie.

Many times in recent weeks, she had longed for the courage to tell Kim what even Sam didn't know. But just the thought of seeing disdain and pity replace the love in Kim's vivid blue eyes made her sick to her stomach.

You're a coward. Why else have you been hiding out from Kim all afternoon?

Jess had avoided Kim since seeing her outside the sexual assault victim's room. She had not come back to her office until she was sure it was well past the time when Kim left for the day.

And now you're hiding in your office to avoid going home.

Jess dropped into her chair with an sigh. She buried her face in her hands. God. What am I going to do?

Jess parked in front of the house. An icy ball filled her stomach. The house was dark, and Kim's Jeep was not in the driveway.

It had never dawned on her that Kim wouldn't come home.

She looked into the backseat at Thor. "I really fucked up, boy."

Pain weighted her shoulders as she unloaded Thor and then made her way into the dark house.

The silence was oppressive.

"Come on, big guy. Let's get you fed."

Jess went about feeding Thor on autopilot. With Thor taken care of, she returned to the living room and flopped down on the couch.

She stared at the cold, dead ashes in the fireplace. They were the perfect representation of what her life had been like before Kim. Kim was the spark that breathed life and fire back into her world.

If you don't do something, your fear is going to cost you the best thing that has ever happened to you.

Steely resolved filled Jess. No. It's not going to end like this.

She grabbed her keys and headed for the door. Please let her be where I think she is.

The meager light from the fireplace did little to pierce the darkness of the room. A musty, unused smell permeated the air.

Kim sat huddled in the corner of the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest. She stared into the flickering flames.

Her mind was filled with memories of Jess. In front of this very fireplace, Jess had held her and comforted her over a patient's death.

Tears flow down her face. This is what happens when you open your heart and let yourself love someone.

She had been happy with Jess. Her relationship with Jess was unlike any of her previous ones. She had opened herself to Jess in a way she had never done with anyone else.

That was what made Jess's repeated lies all the more painful.

Memories of the past tortured Kim every time Jess looked her in the eyes and lied. She shut down a little more each time it happened.

You love someone, and in the end they will leave you. They lie and then leave you — one way or the other.

Something had snapped inside her today when Jess ran from her. All those old fears she had tried so hard to overcome came roaring back.

A knock on the door startled Kim. I can't deal with anyone right now.

The knock came again, louder than before. "Kim? Are you there?"

It was the last voice Kim expected to hear. She came for me?

Kim wiped her face on her sleeve. She flipped on the lamp next to the couch and then moved to the door.

Her hand hovered over the knob.

Jess knocked again. "Please let me in."

Kim opened the door and found a very disheveled Jess. She looked as if she had raked her hands through her hair countless times.

"You weren't at home," Jess said.

Kim was tempted to correct her but bit her tongue. "I had some things I needed to get done around here." Now who is lying?

Jess shoved her hands into her pockets. "Can I come in?" Her voice held a pleading note.

Every instinct told Kim to say no. She gazed into Jess's vulnerable blue eyes and lost the battle. She didn't have the heart to refuse her.

"Okay."

Kim walked away, leaving Jess standing in the doorway.

Jess stared after Kim for a moment, then stepped inside and shut the door behind her.

Kim sat on the couch and stared into the fire.

Jess followed and eased down on the opposite end of the couch. She had never seen Kim like this — so closed off. Even her position reflected her withdrawal. Kim's knees were drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around herself. She reminded Jess of a flower bud, its petals folded over each other in a tight cocoon, protecting the vulnerable inner center.

Fear shafted through Jess. You're losing her. She scrubbed her hands on her pants. "I'm sorry about what happened at work."

Kim turned her head. Her gaze pierced Jess. "The case upset you?"

Jess's jaw clenched. Don't lie. "Yes... It reminded me of the past... of what happened... to me." Her hands gripped her thighs with viselike force. "I've wanted to tell you. I swear. I... I..." Tell her.

Her heart was roaring so loudly in her ears she missed Kim's words.

"What?"

"I've never told you about my dad."

Jess blinked at the non sequitur. She stared at Kim. In all the time she had known her, Kim had mentioned her father only once. She never talked about him. Why now?

"I was such a daddy's girl," Kim said. "Even at sixteen, I still loved going places and doing things with my dad." Her eyes took on a faraway look as if she was seeing another time and place.

"Right around the time I turned seventeen, things began to change. Small things at first. I'd find my dad sleeping in his recliner on a Saturday afternoon. He was never one to sit around, much less sleep during the day." Kim's arms tightened around her legs. "Then it got too obvious to ignore. He didn't have any energy and was losing weight."

Kim turned and looked at Jess. "I kept asking him, 'What's wrong, Dad?' He always said the same thing, 'Just a little under the weather.'" Kim's hand slashed sideways. "'It's nothing.'" Her hand slashed again, punctuating each word, "'No. Big. Deal.'"

Jess flinched hearing her own words.

Kim's eyes locked on Jess's with laserlike intensity. "And I believed him."

Realization slammed home. Oh, God. No.

A single tear slid down Kim's face. She rested her chin on her knee.

"Four months later, he was dead."

"I'm sorry," Jess whispered. Her heart broke for Kim. She longed to reach out and comfort her but feared her touch wouldn't be welcome. She sat on her hands to keep from giving in to the impulse. "I'm sorry," she said again, at a loss for exactly what to say.

Pain and sorrow filled Kim's eyes. "For a long time I thought he had been trying to shield me from what was happening." She rocked back and forth. "But no matter how he rationalized it to himself, what he was really doing was protecting himself."

Just like you. Jess's stomach lurched and bile burned the back of her throat. She struggled not to give in to the nausea.

"He didn't want to face telling me he was dying. He set all his affairs in order. I found out later, even my older brothers knew." Kim let her legs drop to the floor and turned to faced Jess fully. "I loved him so much. But right up to the end, he looked me in the eyes and lied." She captured Jess's gaze and held it. Her eyes glistened with tears, but her voice remained firm. "I can't do that again. I won't do that again."

Jess's restraint broke. She slid across the couch and wrapped her arms around Kim. "I'm so sorry. So sorry." Her words held a multitude of meaning.

The twisted knot in her stomach let go when Kim's arms wrapped around her waist.

Jess buried her face in Kim's neck, only then becoming aware of her own tears. "So sorry," she whispered again.

A soul-deep sigh escaped Kim's lips. She soothed her fingers through Jess's sweat-damp hair. Although she didn't quite remember how, they had ended up face to face, entwined on the couch. Their shared tears had mingled in a cathartic release.

Seeing Jess struggle earlier had made Kim realize just how difficult what she was asking of Jess was.

Jess had her face buried in Kim's neck.

"Jess?" Kim pulled back a little.

A whimper escaped Jess, and she tightened her arms around Kim's back.

"Come on," Kim said. "You must be smothering."

Muttering something unintelligible, Jess pressed closer.

Kim brushed Jess's hair back and placed a soft kiss on her jaw line.

Jess lifted her head. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and her face was splotched with color.

Kim was sure her own appearance was a similar sight. She pressed her forehead to Jess's. "I've said it before and I'll say it again. We're quite the pair — aren't we?"

A wobbly smile trembled on Jess's lips. "Yeah."

After disentangling herself from Kim, Jess sat up. She reached down with a trembling hand and gently stroked Kim's face.

Kim leaned into the touch. After having shared her deepest pain and secret fear, there was no keeping an emotional distance from Jess. She sat up next to Jess. Her brow furrowed when Jess moved away to sit on the far side of the couch.

Jess wedged herself into the corner and drew her legs up under her. She wrapped her arms across her belly.

She's trying to comfort herself.

"Jess?"

"I should have told you. You deserve to know."

Now that Jess had admitted what Kim had suspected all along, she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the details. You owe it to Jess to hear them, no matter how painful.

She faced Jess and waited.

Jess rocked back and forth. "I... It was... He..."

It killed Kim to watch Jess struggle, stopping and starting but never quite getting the words out.

This is hurting her too much. You can't force this.

"Jess. It's okay. I know."

Jess shook her head roughly. "I have to tell you." Her gaze met Kim's.

Worry gripped Kim at the look in Jess's eyes.

Jess's demeanor reminded her of an abused dog she had once seen — eyes filled with fear, yet desperate to please.

Kim moved closer, then slid off the couch and knelt in front of Jess.

"And you will tell me, but it doesn't have to be today. Whenever you're ready." Kim leaned up and softly brushed their lips together. "You're worth waiting for."

A sob escaped Jess's lips. "Thank you." She brushed at both their tears. "Will you come home? Please."

A kiss filled with all the love in Kim's heart was her answer.