The Secrets of Living Happilly Ever After

In her new book, Happily ever after, author Laura Martin reveals the secrets of a happy marriage. Its message is upbeat and optimistic. We interviewed Laura at her home in Colorado.

Q: How has marriage changed in the past fifty years?

Life used to be much simpler, with fewer choices. When we look at marriages in 1950s, most were of the “Father Knows Best” and “The Donna Reed Show” kind. The man was the breadwinner; the woman, the homemaker. There was also an optimism then – an expectation that you would do better economically then your own parents. Now, women often work outside the home, too. There are economic pressures to do so – it’s not just the question of women wanting careers – and there are no guarantees of financial well-being. There’s also a lot more stress to deal with outside of the family – international terrorism, drugs, diseases that were unheard of just a few decades ago. Often now, both parents spend their days in high-stress jobs in a more stressful world in general and come home to a lot of responsibilities – children, house, bills – to name a few. There’s not a lot of time for each other, let alone for oneself.

Q: You paint a pretty grim picture of life nowadays. Yet your book is optimistic. How come?

I have faith in our ability to rise above the challenges of our times. I think there are some fundamental requirements, though, for a happy marriage. You can’t live happily ever after unless you marry the right person in the first place.

Q: What do you mean by “fundamental requirements”?

You have to be in love with the person you marry. Of course, I don’t mean you have to stay in that stage of being in love where all you can do is think about the other person! No. That stage of courtship lasts only a short time. But after the initial excitement subsides, you should still be in love. You also must totally respect the other person, and you should like him or her. You should also not need the other person to fulfill every one of your needs. Other people – friends, children, coworkers – have a place in your life, too. If you expect your partner to be everything for you, you’re bound to be disappointed.

Q: So, assuming you’ve met the fundamental requirements, what are the secrets to living happily ever after?

Make time for each other. No matter how high-pressured your job, no matter how much time you need to devote to your children, set aside some time every day to be alone with each other. Ask each other how your day was and what’s on your mind. Listen totally. When your partner has a problem, don’t jump to solve it or to dismiss it as unimportant. Let the other person talk it out and he or she may solve it alone or realize it’s not important. Be your partner’s best friend.

Q: Anything else?

Yes! I know this is going to sound like a contradiction, but give each other space, too. In other words, we need to be alone sometimes; some people need solitude more than others. Find out if your partner does, and find a way to accommodate this need. And speaking of needs, we all need to know we are loved, but we don’t all need to have it expressed the same way. Some of us are auditory, some visual, some kinesthetic. The auditory people need to hear the words “I love you”, the visual people need to “see” it – like getting flowers or being taken out for dinner; the kinesthetic people need to be touched. Make sure you express your love in the way your partner needs you to.

Speaking

1. How has marriage changed in the past fifty years according to Laura Martin? Have men’s and women’s roles changed?

2. What is the main requirement for a happy marriage?

3. What does it mean to be in love with the person you marry?

4. When are you bound to be disappointed?

5. How can you make time for each other?

6. In which ways can love be expressed?

Role play

With your group, add to this list of common things that husbands and wives argue about. Choose students to role play the conflicts to the group. What do you think can be a good solution to these problems?

1. The husband thinks his wife is spending too much money on clothes.

2. The wife thinks her mother-in-law is too bossy.

3. The wife wants to have a baby but her spouse does not.

4. The wife is tired of being a housewife.

5.__________________________________________

6.__________________________________________

Speaking

Poll the Group: Modern Marriages

What do you think of marriage today? Read these statements together. list two more. Find out how many students in your group agree or disagree with these statements about marriage. Discuss the results with the class.

	Agree	Disagree
Marriage is better today than it was 100 years ago
Being married is better than being single
If two single people love each other, they should get married and not worry about marriage problems

  Reading and Writing

PROBLEM PAGE

Read the letters, match them with the psychologist’s answers, then choose one to your liking and continue an answer giving a good piece of advice. Use some of these words and expressions:

Why don‘t you…? If I were you, I would….

Why not….? A good way to…… is to…….

What / How about……..ing? The best way to… is to……..

I think you should…….. I think it‘s a mistake to…..

You could / might……. Stop……..ing and start ……..ing.

1. I’ve been married three years to a girl who is now twenty. She quit high school to marry me … She didn’t know a thing about being a wife when we got married, but I thought she’d learn. Well, she hasn’t even tried. The house looks like a pigpen. She fixes sandwiches for dinner, or open tin cans. All she wants to do is go roller skating with her girl friends. On my wedding day, I was the happiest guy in the world. What went wrong?

2. The children ask me why Daddy says “ex-scape” instead of “escape”, and “have went”. When they ask him, he gets furious and accuses me of putting them up to it. In company his grammar is so bad it’s embarrassing. He refuses to go to a night school or hire a tutor. What can I do?

3. My husband keeps crossing things off the grocery list because he says they aren’t necessary. He says, “You don’t need to buy laundry bleach. Clothes don’t have to be snow-white. Why buy shampoo when you can wash your hair with a bar of soap? Furniture polish is a waste of money. Rub a little harder.” We aren’t rich people, but we can afford some of the extras in life. It burns me up when he is so tight with me while he spends money on hunting and fishing equipment, drinks for the friends and card playing.

4. Jack and I have been married sixteen years. He had a good education and I always told myself he’d make the grade. Well, he never has, the paycheck barely covers the necessities. Our five kids are healthy and smart, but they keep me on the brink of exhaustion. If Jack takes me to a movie every couple of weeks, it’s a big deal. He’s a swell guy, and I love him, but this isn’t what I expected out of life. A meal in a restaurant would be like a dream come true. Tell me, is this a life?

5. I am both mother and father to my four children. The youngest is two, the oldest is twelve. No, I’m not a widow. But my husband says the children are my job. He has never washed a face, changed a diaper, helped with a homework lesson or played a ballgame with his sons. The only time when he talks to his children is when he wants them do something – and then it’s an order, not a request. I know I can’t change him, he’s unbelievably obstinate. What I would like to know is how the boys will feel about their father when they grow up?

a. You bet it’s a life, Jane, and a good one. Did you know that people can get just exhausted from boredom as from overwork. Sure you get fed up, everybody does, but don’t lose your perspective. You’ve got the things that count. Pity the poor millionaire. He’ll never know the thrill of paying that final installment …

b. All marriages are happy, it’s living together afterwards that’s tough. Marriage is the difficult business of living with another human being. It’s in-laws, doctor bills, dishes in the sink and mortgages. If you were given facts about marriage instead of romantic fiction, you might be less shaken when faced with some of not-so-attractive aspects of married life ...

c. When your children grow up they’ll feel toward their father exactly the same as they feel now. They will hate him. The tiniest baby knows when he is loved and when he’s being ignored. Children who are rejected by their father suffer permanent emotional scars…

d. Well, there’s nothing you can do. Very often well-educated women who marry poorly educated men seem not to notice grammatical defect and limited intellectual interested until after they’re married. The husband who will make no effort to help himself is hopeless; and you can’t divorce a man just because he says “have went”…

e. Every woman is able to handle the grocery money without supervision. If only your husband is employed, he should give you an allowance to spend as you please. If you both are working, your income should be treated as one. In a good marriage there should be no “mine” and “thine” – only “ours”…

Exercise 3

Read and translate it in a written form.

The wedding was that Saturday…. The pair of them stood there, looking tremendously uncomfortable, each silently reinforcing the other’s preconceived notion that this „do-it-yourself wedding” ( as Phil referred to it ) was going to be ( as Stratton kept predicting ) “an incredible horror show”. Just because Jenny and I were going to address a few words directly to one another.

„ Are you two ready?“ asked Mr Blauvelt.

„ Yes“, I said for both of us.

„ Friends“, said Mr Blauvelt to the others, „we are here to witness the union of two lives in marriage. Let us listen to the words they have chosen to read on this sacred occasion“.

The bride first. Jenny stood facing me and recited the poem she had selected. It was very moving, perhaps especially to me, because it was a sonnet by Elizabeth Barret:

When our two souls stand up erect and strong,

Face to face, silent, drawing nigh and nigher,

Until the lengthening wings break into fire…

From the corner of my eye I saw Phil Gavillery, pale, slack-jawed, eyes wide with amusement and adoration combined. We listened to Jenny finish the sonnet, which was in its way a kind of prayer for

A place to stand and love in for a day,

With darkness and the death hour rounding it.

Then it was my turn. It had been hard finding a piece of poetry I could read without blushing. I mean, I mean, I couldn‘t stand there and recite lace-doily phrases. I couldn‘t. But a section of Walt Whitman‘s Song of the Open Road, though kind of brief, said it all for me:

… I give you my hand

I give you my love more precious than money,

I give you myself before preaching or law;

Will you give me yourself? Will you come travel with me?

Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?

I finished, and there was a wonderful hush in the room. Then Ray Stratton handed me the ring, and Jenny and I – ourselves – recited the marriage vows, taking each other, from that day forward, to love and cherish, till death do us part.

By the authority vested in him by the Commonwealth, Mr. Timothy Blauvelt pronounced us man and wife.

Erich Segal, Love Story

Exercise 4

Translate these sentences into English:

1. Мої батьки побралися 26 років тому. Мій тато (високий широкоплечий брюнет) довго залицявся ло симпатичної блондинки – моєї мами. Але заручились вони лише через два роки після знайомства, коли закінчили університет.

2. Мама одразу прийняла його пропозицію, відмовивши багатьом іншим парубкам. Згодом вони святкували розкішне весілля. На мамі була красива біла сукня, а на татові чорний елегантний костюм.

3. На свій медовий місяць молодята поїхали відпочивати в Крим, адже вони одружились у липні.

4. Згодом народилась моя старша сестра Леся, і батьки думали, що вона буде єдиною дитиною. Але це тривало недовго, і через 5 років Леся перестала нудьгувати, займаючись моїм вихованням.

5. Мені подобається багато дівчат, але особливо я небайдужий до однієї, яка живе у сусідній квартирі. На жаль, вона має хлопця, і я часто бачу їх разом. Я не знаю, чи це серйозно, чи просто захоплення.

6. Леся пішла в маму – така ж вродлива. Багато хлопців хотіли б зустрічатись з нею, але вона всім відмовляє і чекає на свого принца. Їй вже 25, і мама каже: “Дивись, не залишись старою дівою”.

7. Свекруха терпіти не може свою невістку тому, що та не поважає та ненавидить її. Вони погано лагодять, тому що не хочуть піти назустріч одне одному. Так часто буває, коли зустрічаються люди з різними характерами, один, наприклад, впертий та стриманий, а інший запальний і нетерпимий.

8. Марина худа як тріска і дуже мініатюрна. Вона кучерява, тому й носить волосся, заплетене в коси. Їй подобаються кремезні мязисті хлопці, вище середнього зросту, але вона ще ніколи не закохувалась і не ходила на побачення.

9. Часто дівчата не хочуть міняти своє дівоче призвіще після одруження. Через це у них виникають проблеми з родичами зі сторони чоловіка.