Chapter 11

"Good morning dear," said Danielle, as she met her daughter at the bottom of the stairs. She always cringed at watching her visually challenged daughter, navigate the long staircase. It took her a long time and it was very hard, but she had learned not to be to over protective.

"Good morning Mom." Erin slipped an arm around her mother’s petite waist. Of the two girls, Erin most resembled her mother. They were both the same size with twinkling green eyes, her mother’s just a shade darker. They also shared the same hair color, but Danielle’s was just starting to show her age.

A variety of delicious aroma’s greeted the two women as they made their way out onto the patio. "I thought we’d eat out here today," explained Danielle. "Your father had an early golf game, so it’s just us."

"That’s nice. I miss our time together."

Danielle kissed the top of the blonde head, as Erin seated herself. "So do I dear. Now what can I get you?"

"Just coffee and croissants please."

"Sweetheart, that isn’t much."

Erin dropped her head and smiled. Having had that conversation so many times before, she just gave in to save herself time. "Okay. I’ll have some fresh fruit and a small helping of eggs. But I have plans for lunch, so I don’t want to fill up."

Danielle set a plate in front of her daughter and proceeded to prepare her own. Erin poured a splash of cream and two spoonfuls of sugar into her freshly brewed coffee and stirred, careful of the sterling silver spoon tapping against the expensive china cup.

"Tell me about your plans dear."

She hesitated for just a moment, choosing her words carefully. "I...I’m going up to the mountains with a friend, for a picnic and horseback riding." Erin hated lying to her parents and had only told a couple of small whites to save their feelings.

"That sounds like fun." Danielle took on a sullen expression. "Your father and I used to go on picnics...a long time ago," she added sadly. "Of course he would laugh if I were to suggest one now. I’m sure he would say, why do you want to drive all the way to the country just to eat lukewarm food on the hard ground, when we have this beautiful dining room."

Erin read the underlying melancholy in her mother’s voice. Her emotional glasses seemed to be rose colored when it came to her mother’s happiness, but that spark of life appeared to be missing in her demeanor of late. Erin placed a comforting hand on her mother’s. "Mom, are you okay? I mean really okay?"

Danielle sighed, but smiled at her precious daughter. "Yes sweetheart, I’m fine," she said with a false confidence.

"You may be fine, but you’re not happy are you?"

"Oh Erin, don’t mind me." Danielle swept her arms across the view. "I am sitting in the lap of luxury, what more could I want," she said with an unbelieving giggle. She was determined not to clutter her daughter’s life with her petty problems. The maid halted any further conversation by announcing that there was a phone call for Mrs. Casey.

Danielle returned to the table a few minutes later. "I’m sorry that took so long. I’m chairing the annual church dance. You will be coming this year won’t you dear?"

Erin sighed and pushed the food around on her plate. "I’ll give a donation, Mom. But I don’t think I’ll be attending this time."

"But it’s the perfect social setting for meeting some nice young man. I’m sure Jason would come if he knew you’d be there."

What is it with my sister and my mother and Jason, she thought with exasperation. Maybe it’s because he’s the only man they ever saw me date, she reasoned. At least Bridgett knows the truth now. I never have to lie to her again. But... "Mom, I’m not interested in Jason. We dated ten years ago in high school, that’s all. I’m sure he’s not sitting around, pining away for me."

"But you didn’t just date, you went steady and he has asked about you. Yes, his mother said he’s seen other women, but apparently he’s never forgotten about you."

"He was the only boy I really trusted back then," said Erin. High school was so confusing for Erin, as it is with many gay teens. She found herself looking at the females running around with their shorts and tight tops, were as a boy without his shirt, showing off his muscles, did nothing for her. She could never join in the "boyfriend" talks with the other girls, who she suspected were mostly just exaggerating, but she had no basis to really judge. She had no one with which to talk to about all the conflicting emotions and physical feelings filtering through her body. She had been friends with Jason since grade school and when her parents pressed her to start dating, act like a normal teenager her father had put it, she accepted Jason’s offer. She never let him get passed the kissing, hand holding stage and he never pressured her for anything more and for that she appreciated who he really was and came to love him, but only as a dear friend.

Only when Erin went to college, did she finally feel comfortable enough to begin exploring other options. In the middle of her sophomore year, Erin discovered that her roommate was gay, but she felt no attraction to her, other than friendship. It took her another month after the discovery, to finally discuss the topic with Anne.

The pre-med student was very compassionate and patient with her many questions. They had, on several occasions, visited a lesbian bar, close to campus. Erin wasn’t scared so much as cautious and selective. Anne had warned her of diseases and educated her on safe practices. Only when Erin met Megan did it seem right. They shared many things in common, including a heritage. The short, red head was also an English major and many study sessions led to heated, lingering kisses. Because she truly cared for Megan, and more importantly trusted her and respected her, did she decide to take that important step. After spending a fun, festive March afternoon together, celebrating St. Patrick, they spent a loving night in each other’s arms, both sharing their bodies for the first time. It was a wonderful experience and Megan was gentle and patient, as was she. But Erin still felt something missing. She wanted that special feeling that she had always dreamed of, an experience where two souls connected. She and Megan continued to see each other and had some great times, but even though it was unspoken, each knew it was not a lasting love. Their romantic relationship returned to a friendship, long before their graduation.

Erin still held a warm place in her heart for the young Irish woman and they had talked many times, especially after Erin’s accident. Erin was so happy when she learned that Megan had found the love of her life and was a bit envious, until that amazing June evening when it was finally her turn to be complete.

"Are you dating someone now Erin?" asked her mother, pulling Erin from her thoughts of school.

"Why do you ask, Mom?"

"Because I’m curious. I happened to be walking by your room last night and overheard the last of you’re phone conversation."

I’m gonna have to make sure that my door is closed tight from now on. Erin pushed away her nearly empty plate and cleared her throat. "Yes Mom, I am seeing someone."

Danielle broke out in a huge smile of joy and relief. She wanted her youngest daughter to be as happy as her oldest, as happy as she had once been. But she prayed that Erin would find a lifelong happiness. "That’s wonderful dear. When can we meet him?"

Erin released a breath and consented her conscience to tell another ivory fib. The truth would come later...much later. "Mom, this is a new relationship and I need to give it time. We need to concentrate on us first. I promise you when the time is right, I will introduce you."

"All right," said Danielle. "Can I at least know his name?"

It is gender neutral I guess and she’ll really grill me if I don’t tell her something. "It’s Jamie."

Danielle Casey hugged her daughter for several parental seconds. "Well, I’m sure he’s very nice and I’m happy for you," she finally said, placing a kiss to Erin’s forehead.

Oh boy, thought the author through her smile.

 

"My mother overheard me say goodnight to you last night," said Erin to the woman seated next to her.

"And," prompted Jamie, as she guided her SUV down the winding road, toward the ranch in the California hills.

"And, she asked me if I was seeing someone and I said yes, but that we needed time and she would get to meet you soon. I did tell her your name though."

Jamie nodded absently. "But not that I’m a woman. Good," she sighed. "After the drive last night, I bet your father will want to kill me when we finally meet and I ain’t ready to die just yet."

"Sweetheart, my father won’t even remember you. Even if I took you home tomorrow."

"If you say so." Jamie tried desperately to hide her concern.

 

The golden palomino galloped across the lush, emerald pasture, her white mane flying freely behind her. On her back, two riders enjoyed the warm sun, shining down on them and the breeze created as the animal’s strong legs carried them away. Two fair arms were wrapped tightly around a taught abdomen and a smile-laden face pressed against a strong back. The tall woman, holding the reins, echoed the expression, but with just an added touch of sadness, not because of her riding companion, but because of her own regretful memories.

"I love you," said Erin. She felt the reaction in the body molded to her, as the horse was slowed to a gentle walk. "Okay, what was that for?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh no." Erin pulled a tanned cheek around and gave it an understanding kiss and a reminder. "Talk and listen, remember?"

Jamie responded with a subdued smile "Yeah, I remember. There’s a grove of trees just ahead. We’ll stop there and talk, okay?" Jamie felt the nod, as the yellow head resumed its previous position.

Carefully dismounting and securing the horse to a branch, Jamie led her friend to the shade of a tall oak. They sat cross-legged, knee-to-knee. Jamie needed the space, but at the same time craved the contact that their positions offered.

Erin softly rubbed a jean-covered knee. "Okay, why did you stiffen up when I said I love you?"

Jamie fidgeted with the long blade of grass she had liberated from the ground nearby, and sighed. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to," she said around the knot in her gut. "I love to hear you say that."

Erin smiled. "Good, because I love to say it. And I intend to say it for the rest of my life. You do intend to be around to hear it that long, don’t you?"

There was a hesitation. Fear gripped Erin’s heart and she grabbed for a hand.

"Jamie, you’re not having second thoughts, are you?" A deep intake of breath was heard.

"No. I don’t want to, but..."

"I don’t like buts. Actually, I am very fond of one in particular." Erin grinned and got the response she hoped for.

A slight chuckle broke the tension. "Well, the feeling is very much mutual. I do love you Erin, no doubt about it."

"But you still have doubts about a relationship?"

"My doubts are all about me. I...I had a dream last night. I thought I had gotten over the guilt." Jamie threw aside the blade of grass in frustration.

"That kind of guilt doesn’t just vanish in an instant," Erin explained patiently. "I know that. I just ask that you keep trying." She raised the hand in hers and gave it a kiss. "On the beach the other night, you gave yourself permission to love and to be loved. I don’t know if that’s easy for anyone. Most people worry about getting hurt. But you worry most about causing the hurt. And I understand why, but I want you to get passed that, no matter how long it takes. I want you to be happy because you deserve it. Tell me about the dream," she asked quietly.

"It was about Sandy. The same things I told you the other night. She was on her knees begging and whining, telling me that she loved me and pleading with me to say I loved her. Finally I did, just to shut her up. But of course I didn’t mean it. It just got worse from there. She wouldn’t leave me alone no matter how rude I was to her. She was there at my door all the time; she followed me around like a shadow. That’s when I set it up for her to see me with another woman and..." Jamie angrily wiped the tears falling from her eyes.

Erin covered both knees in front of her with consoling hands. "Jamie, you can’t continue to see her blood on your hands. Sandy was an extremely dependent person with severe emotional and maybe even mental problems. She would have latched onto anyone and ended up with disastrous results. They were her problems."

"That doesn’t matter. She is still dead because of what I did."

Erin called on the knowledge she had learned in school. "Did you want her to die?"

"No, of course not! I just wanted her to leave me alone."

"That’s right, that’s all you wanted. Maybe what you did was a little harsh, but you had no idea she would run in front of that car. It was a tragic accident, but that's all it was...an accident."

Jamie grasped at irrational straws. "But if I would have just seen that she had problems, maybe I could’ve helped, instead..."

Erin scooted herself around and wrapped her arms around her hurting friend. "Sweetheart, you were suffering from your own emotional difficulties at the time. You were in no condition to recognize hers. Uncontrollable circumstances led you to make a misguided decision. But you are not responsible for her death."

There was a long silence as the dark haired woman processed every bit of information.

"I am not responsible for her death," she whispered, after several long moments.

Much hugging and consoling caresses followed until the tears had vanished and the sobs quieted. "But it still hurts," admitted Jamie.

"I know. That’s because you have an incredibly caring soul."

"But, I never thought I had a soul at all, until I read your book and wasn’t absolutely certain until I met you. You are very special Erin Casey. You saved my soul."

One gentle kiss became two and then three turned into four. Two entwined bodies lowered themselves onto the plush carpeting of green. Hands roamed over cloth-covered curves. Breaths were shared and actions were quickly heading toward the point of no return. Suddenly lips ceased their actions and foreheads met.

"We should stop," came Jamie’s breathless suggestion.

"Yes. We can’t do this here."

Jamie moved onto her side and propped her head on her hand. "How do you know so much about psychology anyway?" she asked of their previous conversation.

"I minored in it in college. I thought it would help me develop better fictional characters, if I understood why we human animals, do the things we do."

"Guess it worked huh?" Jamie plucked a strand from the blonde head.

"Was that a gray hair?" Erin asked, through a yawn.

"No silly it was grass."

Jamie leaned over for a simple, but loving kiss. "You won’t have any gray hairs for a long time. And even then I will tell you that you are even more beautiful then you are on this day."

Erin smiled. Hearing Jamie talk about a future together filled her with a joy unsurpassed by anything she had ever felt before.

Fuzz tickled her chin, and then stopped. There it was again. Erin reached up and brushed away the irritant with fingers protruding from the tan wrap. A few seconds later it was back, strong enough this time to bring her to reality. Her head rested on a firm, denim-clad thigh. Three hands covered her rumbling, stomach. "I guess I fell asleep huh?"

"That you did, but that’s okay. You’ve only been out about thirty minutes," said Jamie as she checked her watch and tossed aside the tickling flower. That hand came back down and resumed stroking the soft blonde hair beneath her fingertips. "Didn’t you sleep well at your parents house last night?"

"I slept fine." A huge happy smile crossed her face. "In fact I had a dream too."

"A good one I hope."

"A very good one. In fact it was a reoccurring dream that I used to have as a little girl. But I haven’t had it in about thirteen years."

"Maybe it was just being in your old room."

"Possibly, but I think it’s more. You want to hear it?" Erin asked with an anxious lilt.

"Absolutely."

Erin pulled their entwined hands under her chin as she explained. "I was playing in this huge meadow, filled with wild flowers and tall grass that tickled my bare legs as I ran through it. There were a couple of tall trees, but there was one in particular. It didn’t stand nearly as tall as the others, mostly because it leaned sideways. It was so unusual looking, like its branches were reaching for something. The trunk was pretty thick and it had a lot of low hung branches, perfect for climbing, so that’s what I did. Couldn’t go very high, but it was still fun. I was sitting on a strong branch swinging my legs and watching a hawk that was flying off in the distance. All of a sudden I hear a voice asking if they could play too. I climbed down and met this little girl. I told her my name and we started playing. We climbed in the tree, chased each other through the meadow and back again, made daisy chain necklaces." She smiled, remembering. "I had never had so much fun, as I did with her. I had the dream many times, but she never told me her name. And the next day, I could never remember what she looked like. All I could remember was seeing long dark hair bouncing around as I chased her. We were the best of friends; I knew that right away. And I felt safe with her, not that I was really afraid of anything, she just made me feel... protected.

Jamie had her head leaned back against the tree and her eyes closed, picturing the scene.

Erin laced the fingers of their joined hands and squeezed. "I had the dream again last night, but it was a little different. We played all day long and started to walk back to our tree, hand in hand. We got there and she turned to me. I finally got to see her face. Then she said...my name is Jamie and I’ll be your best friend forever."

Her revelation was met with silence, but curiosity got the better of her. She carefully reached up from her reclined position and touched the quiet face. A huge, happy smile greeted her fingertips.

"I was just trying to imagine what you looked like as a little girl," explained Jamie, playfully nipping the exploring fingers.

"I had much longer hair and a few freckles across my nose, which have thankfully faded. Bridgett described me as to cute for my own good. But I was never sure if she meant my looks or my personality," she chuckled. "I have some pictures at home if you’re really curious."

That got a big reaction from the tall woman. "Of course I am! I’d like to know everything about you. I don’t suppose your mother has any of those embarrassing type baby photos. You know the ones with your cute, little, naked butt showing."

Erin blushed. "Yes, I’m afraid she does."

"Can’t wait." It was now Jamie’s turn to yawn and stretch her long legs. "I wish we had known each other as children," she said wistfully. "Maybe you could have saved me from falling into that dark spiral of anger."

"So do I sweetheart. But everything happens for a reason. We found each other when we were supposed to. We’ve come together to stop the loneliness, heal the wounds...reunite a soul."

They lay there a few more minutes, each thinking about the same subject, desiring the same thing.

"Jamie?"

"Yeah."

"I need to ask you something."

"Okay. You can ask me anything."

"Are you...I mean have you ever...been tested?" She heard Jamie chuckle. "What’s funny about that?"

"Nothing," said Jamie. "To answer your question, yes, I got tested right after I moved here and it was negative."

Erin was relieved after hearing the story of her rough past.

"I was laughing because I was remembering something. On my lunch hour, just a few days after I met you, I found myself at the clinic, getting another test, just to be sure. I never gave it any serious thought as to why I did it, but I guess my subconscious knew we would end up here. That was negative too, by the way."

Erin explained that she had only had one sexual partner and that they were both virgins, so she was confident in her health.

They shared a few more serious thoughts and a few laughs until Jamie gathered up the horse’s reins and announced it was time to head back.

"Can we just walk for a little while?" asked Erin.

"Sure."

With their arms around the others waist and the horse trailing behind, they trekked back across the meadow.

Erin took a deep breath of scented air. "Are there flowers around here somewhere?"

Jamie looked around in an arc. "Yeah, as a matter of fact, wait here." She handed over the leather reins.

Just a few seconds later, she heard Jamie’s footsteps brushing through the tall grass.

"For you," said Jamie, placing the white and yellow bloom in Erin’s left hand.

She brought the flower to her nose and recognized it. "A daisy."

Jamie reclaimed a hand and started off.

Nature’s calming notes blanketed them in peace as they walked along. But a sudden screech of a bird halted their movements.

"I don’t think I’ve ever heard a hawk around here before." Jamie tracked its flight across the sky and when her head came back down, she saw it.

Erin heard the sharp intake of breath beside her. "What?"

"I don’t believe it," said Jamie, with awe.

"What is it?"

Silence.

Erin hated this kind of silence. "Jamie, please tell me what’s wrong?"

The nervous timber of her love’s voice pulled Jamie from her reverie. "It’s okay sweetheart. There’s nothing wrong."

Erin visibly relaxed. "Good. Then mind telling me what has your attention?"

Jamie pointed a long finger off to the south. "It’s a...I mean it looks like...but I don’t know how..."

Erin snapped impatient fingers in front of a mesmerized face. "A few more coherent words if you please. What are you seeing?"

"It’s your tree."

"My tree?"

"Yes. The one you described from you’re dream."

Erin laughed. "You’re kidding."

"No. There it is about a hundred feet in front of us." Jamie shook her head, still in disbelief. "All the times I’ve been out here and I don’t remember it. I mean there are a lot of trees around, but that one is unusual."

"Come on." Erin pulled the dark haired woman forward, trusting her to offer directions.

When they reached the oddity, Erin put both hands against it, feeling the rough bark. She made a complete circle, knowing just when to step over one of it’s large, above ground roots. "This is it," she said with glee and reached above her to grab a thick branch. Lifting her feet, she slightly swung her body. "The daisy, the hawk and now the tree. This is where my dream took place, even though I never knew it existed."

Jamie stepped forward and took the lithe woman into her arms. "Hi, my name is Jamie and I’ll be your best friend forever."

The kiss that followed sealed their connection and locked their hearts together for an eternity...again.