What Helps?

To answer the question, "What helps?", we need to consider what triggers disagreement and conflicts. The single biggest cause of conflict and disagreement between parents is alcohol. Parents who try to discuss parenting issues and problems under the influence of alcohol are usually unskillful, impulsive, emotional and reactive. Even a minor amount of alcohol can create problems. The second biggest cause of conflicts and disagreements is the failure of parents to discuss their approach to parenting before the need arises. Very few parents discuss how to handle problems until they are facing a problem. A proactive approach to parenting is far more effective than a reactive response to problems. The third trigger involves past experiences in which parents react to each other and to their children based on what happened in their respective pasts rather than what "is" happening in the moment. Painful memories and fears can drive parents to over react and under react. Young children have a hard time understanding reality when a parent lives in the past. A parents behavior and values should fit reality.

The solutions for most parents are probably obvious at this point, but they are still worth mentioning. Why? Because following this advice is cheaper than paying for counseling, and it is easier to prevent a problem now than it is treat it later.

• Don’t discuss parenting issues in front of your child until both parents talk about it and resolve the issue in private. Avoid expressing your disapproval of the other parent’s position or comments in front of a child.

• Single parents should avoid sharing the power and responsibility for parenting with a non-family member unless the relationship is stable, acceptable and respected by your child.

• Don’t discipline or discuss a potentially volatile topic with your child if you have been drinking. Parenting and alcohol never mix.

• Settle on a parenting approach that is good enough and you will both support. It does not help if you agree on an approach in to order avoid an argument and then don’t support each other latter.

• Decide what you expect from your children before they raise issues that would result in a parental disagreement or conflict.