Stealing

My son of nine is stealing from shops. What can I do?

There is really no simple answer; each case is different. I am convinced that most stealing by children is due to a lack of love at home. If you have not given your son love for nine years, it is hard to say just how to make up for the de­ficiency over night.

Every child steals at one time or another. Most adults will smuggle if they can—a customs official once told me he kept his eye on parsons. A good parent will not make a fuss when Tommy steals a quarter from Mommy’s purse.

It is the moral parent who is so dangerous. “You wicked boy. Didn’t you know you were doing wrong?” I wonder how many delinquents have had moral mothers. It is highly dangerous to give a child a feeling of guilt. The better way is to say: “Tommy, you took a dollar from me; give it back to me, it’s mine.” This is valid. What is entirely invalid is to take the moral attitude that he is a bad, sinful boy.

No one is completely honest. We adults are such hum­bugs about honesty. How many of us are honest because of fear of the police? If we make a long distance call from a telephone booth, and the operator says “Your three minutes are up, sir. I’ll let you know what the extra charges are when you have completed your call,” how many of us won’t just hang up when through talking and stalk out of the phone booth? Oh, it’s only the telephone company, and one is cer­tainly allowed to cheat that colossus. Honesty, be hanged!

Many a father who cheats the Income Tax Bureau will wallop his son for stealing.

On a recent train trip, the regular seats were all taken, so I went into a Pullman, ready to pay the difference. In a journey of several hours no one came around to examine my ticket. Did I go to the ticket office and say: “I traveled in a parlor car; I want to pay the difference?” It is so easy to rationalize, so easy for me to argue, “If the railway com­pany wants to lose money by not having its men collect fares, why should I help them out?” Yes, we’re all so piously honest until the chips are down.

Freedom breeds a tremendous amount of tolerance; at least three parents have complained to me that Summerhill made their children too tolerant. In 45 years, I have never seen a child jury at Summerhill punish a young thief for stealing; all they demand is that the thief pay back what he stole. Adult juries please copy.

Alfred is just a little past 12. Last week, I got a note from the principal of his school that the boy was caught stealing some fruits from a grocery store. He was labeled as a thief. His punishment was to stay in after school an extra hour each day for 30 days. I know he’ll live through this ex­tremely severe punishment, but I don’t want the boy to feel guilty for the rest of his days and writhe under the shame of being a thief. What can I do to help the situation?

I would have given the boy a dollar reward for his enterprise—but then, I am concerned with the boy and not with the stolen fruit.

The principal’s job should have been to try to find out why your boy stole¹. That worthy apparently is ignorant of the truth that hate never cured anything. His punishment was plain hate.

Most children steal at one stage or another; most are lucky enough not to be caught. Severe punishment can make a boy an enemy of society. “They punished me badly, and to hell with them; I’ll fight them forever, and be anti­social forever.” Fortunately, most boys are healthy and do not develop this extreme reaction.

Teachers, as a rule, are ignorant men. They know little of psychology. They take the easy way. For them, punish­ment, at least, shelves the responsibility of investigating the cause. Punishment gives the teacher a quiet life. The damn­able thing is that such treatment is universal in schools in all lands.

But, my clear lady, do ask yourself if you are giving the boy enough love. I am convinced that most young thieves steal love symbolically.

In Summerhill, of course, we get occasional stealing but we deal with it without introducing punishment. All the school community asks is that the money be repaid. And I always warn every young thief that if he steals out­side the school, the police may be called in and then I won’t be able to protect him. For the law, like that principal, seeks punishment.

A bold parent would have asked that principal if he ever stole when he was 12? A bad teacher is always one who has forgotten his childhood, and therefore is completely out of touch with the young.

You ask what you can do to help? Love him, hug him, approve of him! Tell him frankly that his teacher is wrong.