Forster N. - Maximum performance (2005)(en)

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person was on your side, and you would be more amenable to any suggestions and ideas they might have. If you think that someone has offered a bad idea, don’t disagree with them instantly, ask questions: ‘Why do you think that would work here?’, ‘Has this been trialled elsewhere and been successful?’, ‘What do other people think about this idea?’ If it is a bad idea, questioning will reveal this, and there may still be something useful to be uncovered even in an idea that first appears to be unworkable.

Inevitably, there will be occasions when we have to deal with hostility and conflict. This happens when the childish (‘I want’) part of our psychologies comes into conflict with ‘I want’ parts of other people’s psychologies, and the adult part of our minds goes temporarily AWOL. If you are becoming emotional or angry, pause before making your response to diffuse some of your tension or use the ‘finger and thumb’ exercise described in Chapter 2. Then rephrase in your own words the content and feeling of what the sender seems to be saying (‘I can see that you feel very strongly about that . . .’). This demonstrates to others that, even if you disagree with their ideas or opinions, you recognize that they have a strong emotional attachment to theirs. If you don’t do this, tempers can quickly became inflamed, as this example illustrates:

The politics of the GST, in both the Lower House and the Senate, is throwing parliament off balance – and it is on the edge. Instead of question time yesterday, there were pointless points of order, niggling, insults, gag motions, divisions and the suspension of the largest number of government MPs in one sitting. Shabby politics imbued every action and blame should be equally apportioned. Instead of eschewing personal abuse, character assassination, personal reflections, disorder, ridicule, obscenity and outright threats, the Australian Parliament is approaching the style of the gang fights of the old Taiwanese Legislature.

MPs [ ] shouted abuse and mouthed obscenities at each other across the chamber. MPs were told to ‘shut up’, ‘sit down’, ‘crawl back under your rock’ and ‘get out of the house’. Among the insults were terms such as, ‘national disgrace’, ‘sanctimonious windbag’ and ‘smirker’. Some MPs silently mouthed the words ‘**** off’. Ms. Kernot [then a Labour MP], who had called for new styles of behaviour on Monday, yelled at Mr. Abbot [a Liberal Minister] before being suspended from the House for a display of macho bravado.

(Abridged from Shanahan, 2000)

Another reason why active listening can be difficult is that most communication is non-verbal. Researchers have known for many years that facial expression (55 per cent) and vocal expression (38 per cent) have the most impact in communication dialogues, with just a small proportion (7 per cent) deriving from the flow of words coming out of people’s mouths (Mehrabian, 1968; Mehrabian and Weiner, 1967). This

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you think because you know that you are right and they are wrong. Let’s see how this dialogue might progress from here.

But, we’ve put in more than four months of training on the system we’ve got. People have got used to it and won’t want to change again so quickly.

I don’t agree. We’ve got to keep pace with change. If people don’t like it, they’ll just have to lump it.

I think we need to carry people with us, not ride roughshod over them.

Well, if they’re not with us, they’re against us and no one’s irreplaceable you know.

Well, I think you’re wrong, our staff are vital to this organization and I’m not going to support your suggestion.

Look, you’re missing the point here. If we don’t get this new system in place soon, we’ll all be out of a job in [interruption] . . .

. . . And you don’t appear to understand that blah-blah-blah . . .

Thus we can see that the first answer is confrontational and this dialogue will continue on its merry way until one or both people lose their tempers. The second answer represents the widely used, ‘Yes, but

. . .’ approach. Let’s see how this dialogue might progress.

But, we’ve put in more than four months of training on the system we’ve got. People have got used to it and won’t want to change again so quickly.

I hear what you’re saying, but surely it will benefit us all in the long run if we move to the new system now. We’ve got to keep pace with change, you know.

Yes, but if you put our staff offside they may start leaving and then we’ll have real problems.

Yes, but we’ll have even more problems if we don’t keep pace with change.

Yes, but not as big as the problems we’ll have if staff starting leaving.

Yes, but blah-blah-blah . . .

Like the first dialogue, this one will continue until one or both people lose their tempers. Although it appears to be polite, ‘Yes, but . . .’ is a

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façade. It actually means ‘I still don’t agree with a word you are saying, you moron, so why don’t you shut up and listen to my ideas?’ ‘Yes, but

. . .’ conversations invariably lead to people digging their heels in and defending their original positions more and more vigorously. There will of course be many occasions when ‘but’ is an entirely appropriate word to use in conversations. However, if used repetitively in this fashion it will drive people further and further apart, they will listen less and less to the other person and no resolution will be reached. Let’s see how the dialogue using the third answer might progress.

But, we’ve put in more than four months of training on the system we’ve got. People have got used to it and won’t want to change again so quickly.

I see. You’re concerned that moving to the new system would cause serious morale problems amongst your staff?

I’m very concerned. I understand why we need the new system, but I’m really concerned about the effect it will have on our staff in the short-term.

Well, we have a real problem don’t we? We have to get the new system in, but it could simply overwhelm people. What would you suggest?

Do we need to implement the new system immediately? If we had a lead-in time of 2–3 months that would give us time to persuade people of the need to embrace the new system. If we can offer them some kind of small financial bonus for any additional training they might need, I think we could swing this.

That’s possible. It would certainly be better and more cost-effective than putting people offside by trying to impose it on them now. Why don’t we come up with a timetable and put this in as a joint recommendation to the Board?

Good idea. I’m glad that we could resolve this so quickly. (Adapted from Gould and Gould, 1990)

The third answer represents the active listening approach. This is by far the most effective style, because it shows that, while you may not agree with someone’s ideas, you take him/her seriously and respect their point of view. This immediately makes other people less defensive because you’ve given them an opportunity to let off some steam. This is vitally important if the other person feels very strongly about their opinions or ideas. But should we bring emotions and feelings into play in dialogues with fellow employees? Do we want ‘irrational’ emotions

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cluttering up discussions? In fact, we do. It is a widespread myth that ‘emotions’ lead to irrational behaviour. Irrational behavioural outcomes, such as anger, are actually caused by the repression of feelings and emotions. When you allow someone to express these, they will usually calm down and become more rational and open-minded (and, in this context, recall the role that emotional intelligence can play in leadership from Chapter 1).

From here, it becomes possible to move forward. To reiterate some of the points we made earlier, only when others have finished talking should you take the opportunity to get others to listen to you (winning an audience). When you reply to them, show them that you have listened. Accentuate where you agree, but ask questions where you disagree and instead of saying things like ‘No’, ‘You are wrong’, ‘I disagree with you’ or ‘Yes, but . . .’, ask ‘Why do you say that?’ or ‘What would happen if we tried this? ‘Is that going to work in these circumstances?’ People usually have an emotional attachment to their ideas and opinions. If they feel that they are being attacked for these, they will fight back or back off resentfully (a direct consequence of the fight–flight response identified in Chapter 2). Their ideas may well be bad, but reveal this to them by questioning them, not by contradicting them. If the ideas being proposed are unworkable, they’ll soon be buried and there still may be a good innovative idea waiting to be uncovered. As we will see in Chapter 9, almost every innovative idea in history was initially dismissed as being ridiculous and/or unworkable when it was first proposed.

If you really don’t agree with another person’s point of view, simply tell them how you feel about it. They cannot deny how you feel about something, even if they disagree with your ideas. Always look for compromises early, seeking out ‘Win–Win’ rather than ‘Win–Lose’ solutions. The key is to do this without being aggressive, judgmental, appeasing or sarcastic. You merely have to stay friendly, be assertive and tell people how you feel about your proposal and, of equal importance, use facts and information, rather than opinions or polemic, to support your position. Last, recognize that sometimes we will be wrong. Take this on the chin, learn from it and move on. Be man, or woman, enough to say to someone else, ‘You were right, I can see that now.’ Most people will take this as a compliment and, more importantly, will see that we are willing to listen to and learn from others, not an arrogant know-it-all. The techniques described above are not foolproof and may not work with really aggressive or toxic individuals, because, as the American movie director Woody Allen once observed, ‘You can’t intellectualise with Nazis.’ However, they do work well with most people, in almost all work situations.

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Listen and you learn what makes people tick, you learn their attitudes, you learn what they think about the work they do and the processes by which they do that work, you learn what they think about the people who manage their workplace. When you’ve heard what you need to know to make a judgement, to make an instructive or constructive contribution, only then do you open your mouth and say just enough to make the point you want to make.

(David Parkin et al., Perform Or Else, 1999)

Seek first to understand then to be understood. (Ancient Chinese saying)

How to spot liars

If ascertaining the truth from employees, suppliers, clients or customers is an important part of your job, you can also familiarize yourself with many of the non-verbal signs of lying. According to the psychologist who analysed the videotapes of Bill ‘Teflon’ Clinton’s evidence in the Monica Lewinsky hearings during 1998, there are 22 of these. Interestingly, Clinton actually did believe that oral sex with ‘that woman’ did not constitute ‘sexual relations’, a belief that was – allegedly – a product of his Southern upbringing. Signs of lying include leaning forward, touching or rubbing the nose, lack of direct eye contact (in most, but not all cultures), eyes dropping down to the left and right, rubbing the earlobes, folding the arms, crossing the legs, furrowing the brow, wrinkling the centre of the forehead, sweating, dilating pupils, forced laughter and indignant childish anger outbursts. Very few people, most notably actors and politicians, are able to consciously control their facial expressions and body language. There are also computer programs that can identify and analyse ‘micro-tics’ that are not detectable by the naked eye (Geary, 2000). If you think someone is lying to you, the best way to confirm this is not by confronting them directly, but by asking questions. This is standard operating procedure in police and military interrogations. Sooner or later they will either trip themselves up, or give themselves away, by contradicting something they have already said.

Giving feedback to staff

Another important element of interpersonal communication concerns the manner in which we give feedback to staff. This comes in two main forms. The first is the manner in which organizations relay information to and from their employees. This will be described in the next section and, in the context of leading and managing change, in Chapter 8. The second concerns the more formal feedback given to employees at work

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and in performance appraisals. The next self-development exercise is designed to identify ways of giving feedback to people in one-to-one situations in a non-emotive and supportive way.

Exercise 3.2

Feedback skills

Below are a series of statements that might be made to employees in response to poor performance or their failure to complete a work task. Can you think of less emotional, biased and negative ways of giving this feedback?

Yii Chern, you are always late to meetings. Your attitude towards punctuality is sloppy.

Sally, your last presentation was a disgrace. Get your act together in future.

Alan, you always seem to be asking me for help with your work. It’s not my job to constantly help you out. Get a grip on things, OK?

Wee Chong, you are too quiet and introverted to brief your project team properly.

Linda, the way you handled that difficult customer was a bloody disgrace. The next time you do that you’ll be out on your ear, flogged to within an inch of your life blah, blah, blah. . . .

Is that clear?

What a cock-up! Why can’t you lot do things properly when I tell you to do them?

And, if your boss is giving you a hard time:

You are always on my back and blaming me for doing a poor job. You treat me like a moron and I never know what I’m supposed to be doing!

Please compare your answers with these:

Yii Chern, you are always late to my meetings. Your attitude towards punctuality is sloppy.

Alternative: ‘Hi Yii Chern. We’ve noticed that you’ve been arriving late to our last three meetings. Is there a problem?’

Sally, your last presentation was a disgrace. Get your act together in future.

Alternative: ‘Sally, how do you think your presentation went? Would you like to go over the content of your presentation together before next week, so that you can do a really good job in front of the group?’

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Alan, you always seem to be asking me for help with your work. It’s not my job to constantly help you out. Get a grip on things, OK?

Alternative: ‘Alan, you seem to need extra help with your work a lot at the moment. Is everything all right? Would you like to talk with me about your workload?’

Wee Chong, you are too quiet and introverted to brief your project team properly.

Alternative: ‘Wee Chong, I was really nervous at first when doing formal talks in front of my colleagues. I did a course on presentation skills and found that this gave me great confidence. I’ve got some information on this in my office. Would you like to borrow this? And how would you feel about running your presentation by me before you do the next one?’

Linda, the way you handled that difficult customer was a bloody disgrace. The next time you do that you’ll be out on your ear/flogged to within an inch of your life blah, blah, blah.

Alternative: ‘Linda, some customers can be very difficult. Would you like me to give you some help with handling the difficult ones? When are you available this week?’

Is that clear?

Alternative: ‘Can you please run that by me in your own words so that we can make sure that we are in agreement about what needs to be done?’

What a cock-up! Why can’t you lot do things properly when I tell you to do them?

Alternative: ‘OK everyone, please tell me calmly what’s happened and let’s work out how we are going to deal with this problem.’ Conversely, if they have done a great job, use the old sports coach trick and say, ‘You have done a fantastic job . . .’, don’t take the credit yourself.

You are always on my back and blaming me for doing a poor job. You treat me like a moron and I never know what I’m supposed to be doing!

Alternative: ‘When you treat me this way I feel demotivated and confused. Could you please give me clearer guidance on my performance so that I can do a better job for you?’

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In summary, feedback should focus on behaviours not personalities (that is, ‘When you behave like that/do that. . .’, not ‘You are a &@#%!

. . .’). Being aggressive, hectoring and negative does not help anyone and will turn all reasonable people into resentful monsters. All feedback should be given as near as possible to the event (‘Well done – great job’). Initially focus on the positives and be as constructive as possible. Be very specific about what you want your staff to do. Try to avoid vague suggestions such as ‘You should do a bit more preparation.’ Check that they understand what you have said and ask for their reactions to your comments (‘What do you feel about this?’). If people do make mistakes, try to use these as opportunities for learning, not punishment. Try to replace negative words (‘don’t, ‘can’t’, ‘shouldn’t’ or ‘won’t’) with positive ones (‘do’, ‘can’, ‘should’, ‘will’). The main problem with negative feedback is that this only tells people what they should not be doing, not what they ought to be doing. Constantly criticizing staff for mistakes and focusing on errors will reduce feelings of competence, and undermine motivation and performance. Over a long period of time this can create a culture of punishment and negativity. Jointly agree future goals and courses of action and end your discussion with a compliment. In a sports coaching environment, there is overwhelming evidence that not only does positive feedback enhance motivation and performance, it produces players who enjoy their sport more, show greater enthusiasm in coaching sessions and perform better overall (for example, Carron, 1984; Smith, 1979). The same principles apply in a work context. Having said this, the ‘three warnings and out’ principle has to be applied here. Employees cannot be allowed to make mistakes indefinitely, and if they cannot learn from their mistakes they should be moved on and replaced.

Feedback skills checklist

Focus on the positives first.

Focus on behaviours, not personalities.

Be hard on the problem but gentle on the person.

Be descriptive and constructive, not judgmental or evaluative.

Use positive or neutral language.

If you have to be critical, explain where improvements can be made in the future.

Check that your feedback is understood.

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Agree joint courses of action.

Make allowances for the abilities of high, medium and low ability employees when giving feedback.

Give people a fair go, but apply the three warnings and out principle when required.

And, remember,

If your employees go away thinking about their behaviour . . . you’ve succeeded.

If your employees go away thinking about you and your behaviour . . .

you’ve failed.

Exercise 3.3

Accentuating the positive

This is an exercise you can experiment with the next time you’re at work. Try to say nothing negative and only communicate with your staff or colleagues in words, phrases or questions that are either neutral or positive for an hour or two. When you have got used to doing this, try to last half a day, using only words or phrases that are either neutral or positive. Then try to go a whole day using only words or phrases that are either neutral or positive.

Summary

Exercise 3.4 concludes the first part of our review of communication skills. As we’ve seen, many managers believe that they are good communicators and it is other people who lack this important ‘soft’ skill. So the first reason why communication can cause problems must be that most people are not as good at communicating as they like to believe they are. The reality is that we can all improve our communication skills by learning to listen actively to colleagues and junior staff, by learning strategies to diffuse conflict and anger (see Chapter 7 for further information on this) and by giving appropriate feedback to our employees. These basic interpersonal communication skills also form the basis of formal presentation skills, which will be reviewed later in this chapter. They also play a pivotal role in leading organizations, a topic we will look at in the following section.