Very often therapy does not seem to be an option, hence the only right thing the woman can do is leave.
Usually, domestic violence takes forms that don’t resemble any of the problems that could be solved through therapy. Many victimizers justify spousal battery by criticizing their victim, making her believe she is so miserable that she deserves being hit and punched. Consequently, most battered women think that there is something wrong with their weight, appearances or actions, rather than admit their beloved husband is a psycho and needs therapy. Some others think that the reason for the battery lies with the fact that her husband simply hates her, again considering him perfectly normal meanwhile. This vast majority of women, who think their problem does not lie with their husbands’ being mental, never consider therapy or counseling helpful. As a result, they think calling it quits is the only way out from the abusive marriage.
Talking an abuser into therapy is extremely hard, if at all possible.
Hardly any abuser recognizes he has a problem and seeks help. With vast majority it goes quite differently: they constantly victimize their partner thinking it is absolutely normal, and once the woman voices the problems and suggests counseling, he either laughs to her face and changes subject or goes ballistic and beats this will to take him to therapy out of her, once and for all. Either way, the persuasive talk has little effect. At the same time, walking away results a much safer, quicker and more reliable option.
Therapy takes years of constant hard work and attempts.
Even if the woman succeeds in the persuasion job, she involves herself in a serious, hard and long-lasting procedure, which will start bearing fruit only after long years of committed counseling and ever-lasting work on the marriage. Not every woman is willing or strong enough to bear this burden and it is not her obligation to do so, hence here the woman is the only person entitled to take the decision of whether she wants this for herself or she would rather opt for the easy way out.
Therapy and couple counseling often fail and batterers lapse into the old game.
According to different research, the rates of recidivism in domestic abusers who have been through individual therapy or couple counseling ranges from 30 to 45%, some 30% of those being the ones who simply seized to abuse their partners for reasons other than therapy. This alarming statistics proves that taking the brave decision of going through therapy and never giving up on marriage and the beloved person, can be painful, self-destructive and little effective. Opting for counseling rather than leaving the abuser is not a panacea, but the only chance for both of the people to fully overcome the problem of home abuse and start over.
Conclusion
The problem of domestic violence is a very complex one; it has a wide range of root causes and takes a variety of forms. However, at the end of the day, there are still only two possible effective solutions to this problem, and the victim’s dilemma and choice always lie between the same old two options: stay and help or leave and forget. Since all people are different and so are their family environments and patterns of abuse they are subject to, there can’t be a universal action plan, suitable for all; rather, all steps and measures to be taken bear such high importance that they have to be tailored to the couple and their personal profile. Home abuse is no camp for generalizations. The abovementioned suggests that it is highly wrong and incompetent to take any of the two sides and advocate for any of the two options the victim has. A battered woman should feel no pressure in taking the decision of whether to fight for her already most destructive and broken marriage and support her enemy, or leave the abusive environment once and for all. In either case, she will end up losing something, shall the gain outweigh the loss.
Personal view
I personally believe that if a woman leaves a batterer, she actually gains more than she loses. No woman should tolerate battering, moral humiliation, physical intimidation, or any other form abuse takes in their homes. Abuse is the sign, indicating that the relationship is rotten to the core and can no longer be considered something worth fighting for. It takes two to pronounce wedding vows, hence it again takes two to follow them; and once your husband goes beyond any imaginable limits by brutally breaking his solemn vow, you should stop being bound by the promise you’ve made. At the same time, putting a firm end to an abusive relationship, without regrets, doubts, or reconciliation attempts, may help the victim get over the destructive relationship, and have a chance at a new, abuse-free life.
List of Sources
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Council on Scientific Affairs, American Medical Association. Violence against women: relevance for medical practitioners. JAMA 1992;267:3184-9.
http://www.vera.org/publication_pdf/249_476.pdf
Davis, Robert C., Christopher D. Maxwell and Bruce Taylor. 2003. Preventing Repeat Incidents of Family Violence: A Reanalysis of Data from Three Field Tests. Washington DC: U.S. Department of Justice, National Institute of Justice (NCJ 200608). http://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/200608.pdf.
Davis, Robert C. and Bruce G. Taylor. 1999. ‘Does Batterer Treatment Reduce Violence? A Synthesis of the Literature.’ Women and Criminal Justice, 10(2): 69–93.
http://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/205022.pdf
http:// http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/treatment.html
http:// www.womensaid.ie/policy/natintstats.html#X-201209171230591
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/domestic-violence.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence