Growing pain (by Vernon Scannel)

The boy was barely five years old,

We sent him to the little school

And left him there

To learn the names of flowers in jam jars on the sill,

And learn to do as he was told.

He seemed quite happy there

Until three weeks afterwards

The darkness whimpered in his room.

I went upstairs, switched on his light

And found him wide awake, distraught,

Sheets mangled and his eiderdown

Untidy carpet on the floor.

I said: “Why can’t you sleep? A pain?”

He snuffled, gave a little moan,

And then he spoke a single word:

“Jessica.” The sound was blurred.

“Jessica? What do you mean?”

“A girl at school called Jessica,

She hurts” – he touched himself between the heart and stomach

“She has been aching here and I can see her.”

Nothing I have read or heard

Instructed me in what to do.

I covered him and stroked his head.

“The pain will go, in time” – I said.

I know an old lady (folk song)

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly,

I don’t know why she swallowed a fly.

Perhaps, she’ll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a spider

That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,

But I don’t know why she swallowed the fly.

Perhaps, she’ll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a bird –

How absurd to swallow a bird.

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,

But I don’t know why she swallowed the fly.

Perhaps, she’ll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a cat –

Fancy that – to swallow a cat.

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,

But I don’t know why she swallowed the fly.

Perhaps, she’ll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a dog –

What a hog – to swallow a dog.

She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,

But I don’t know why she swallowed the fly.

Perhaps, she’ll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a goat,

She just opened her throat and swallowed the goat.

She swallowed the goat to catch the dog,

She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,

But I don’t know why she swallowed the fly.

Perhaps, she’ll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a cow,

I don’t know how she swallowed the cow.

She swallowed the cow to catch the goat,

She swallowed the goat to catch the dog,

She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,

But I don’t know why she swallowed the fly.

Perhaps, she’ll die.

- I know an old lady who swallowed a horse.

- Is she dead?

- OF COURSE!

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